The HardCore Blogs of Meleezon
by ProjectXii1
Summary: The life of a HardCore Meleezon told as a comedy story. Also contains actual people from the realms. COMPLETELY REHAULED with new scenes, grammar corrections and Blog 28
1. Blog 1 – Fear and Run Away

**HC Blogs of Meleezon**

**A brief history of Meleezon:**

Meleezon is currently a Hardcore Amazon on the USEast gateway of started chronicling her life through 'blogs', which very quickly evolved into a strange and unique comedy where interactions and events that happened within the game govern how the story goes.

As with all linear game following D2 story, the first chapter may seem a tad familiar. The real humour starts when Meleezon gets her Rogue companion, and she meets more real-life people on the realms.

All characters (not including Diablo 2 NPC's) met within these blogs were played by real people, and have been immortalized here as a tribute for helping Meleezon during her life.

Sadly, Meleezon 'expired' not long ago during my long travels when I was away from the internet. She has now been 'reborn' on USEast, and is looking forward to awaiting whatever challenges the 1.11 patch will throw at her. Divo still by her side, the new Meleezon's story will pick up on the steps of Hell, where the old Meleezon expired. (But first I have to write the missing blogs up till then :P)

Enjoy

_Blog 1 – You Don't Have to Fear Something to Run Away_

A mysterious stranger entered the Rogue Encampment. Tall, blonde and rather well endowed, she held firm a shield in one hand, and a sword in the other. These were not the weapons of her culture. For she was Meleezon, one brave warrior from the Amazonian Isles who chose to abandon her race's heritage weapons of bow and spear, and take up arms in an epic quest to prove her worth – up close, and very personal.

---------------------

Stumbling under the weight of her heavy stash, Meleezon managed to lug the massive chest over to a nearby campfire, and plonk it on the ground. She let out a sigh of relief, and sat on its top.

Looking around, she could see the encampment was really quite a dump; rag tag tents scattered everywhere, a makeshift blacksmiths in one corner. Everyone in the camp had gone silent upon her entrance, and all eyes were on her. Meleezon glanced uncomfortably at each of them.

"What? Yes, this is my real hair colour, now stop staring. And if anyone touches my chest, I'll kill them."

All the men in the camp suddenly began to chuckle and the women simply rolled their eyes. Meleezon narrowed hers and glared at the entire camp.

"I meant my stash here and you know it."

Slightly annoyed at the rough start she was having in this new place, she took up her weapons.

"Right. Where can one find a quest round here?"

A woman dressed in purple slowly made her way over from a tent.

"Greetings. I'm Akara. I heal people and talk a lot. And I mean a lot. Seriously, don't get me started. I'm also the head brewer, so be nice or the beer prices go up."

Meleezon nodded.

"Alrighty. Do you have a quest that only a hero of great skill such as myself could complete?"

"I surely do. In the land outside this camp - we're not really sure what it's called cause no one spends much time there – there's a place of great evil -"

"Threatening your camp, lots of baddies; kill, slaughter and massacre them all. No prob. I'll be back for the beer when I'm done."

She exited the camp before the healer could utter another word, completely unaware she had her skirt tucked into her underpants.

---Fast Forward---

After a quick and slightly pointless number of battles outside the Rogue Encampment, Meleezon paused to rest outside the entrance of a cave. Bad smells and disgruntling noises drifted up towards her.

"The Den of Evil and Not Nice Things", a sign at the entrance said. "Do Not Enter… unless you're 2 feet tall, female and a member of the Fallen race."

Meleezon measured herself using her hands.

"Hmm... well I'm not a Fallen, but I am around 6 foot 2. That'd make me 3 times as good as the females they want! Look out boys here I come."

Though she was alone, Meleezon had resolved there was nothing she couldn't handle by herself. She feared no man or creature, and never would. Yet, as she entered the cave and saw the twenty or so angry little creatures sitting around a campfire eating cooked rouge, she couldn't help but feel the sslliigghhttest bit unsettled. They spotted her, and immediately grabbed their tiny scimitars.

"Harri Sacht!" they cried.

"Oh, ouch guys. That hurt. Really."

"Greepin dargot!"

"C'mon, you can so do better."

"Ooken ardie!"

"MY MOTHER WAS A SAINT!"

---Fast Forward – Bloodshed Later---

Meleezon wiped her sword clean.

"Well, I guess I won't have much to worry about if 2 foot tall munchkins, dumb zombies and quill rats are the only things I'll have to deal with. "

A deep, resounding growl made her think perhaps she'd spoken too soon.

Out of the tunnel ahead came a massive Gargantuan Beast. His great paws clawed in all directions, and as he approached Meleezon he swung a wide backhand, striking her shield and sending her flying into the wall.

"Whooaa… B-tch Slap of Doom! Think you're pretty tough ay, furball?"

Thankfully, Meleezon had mastered this art long ago (probably the reason why she currently had no male partner) and with a quick backhand lash-out, she gutted the beast and ended it.

"I'll be back for you later. Always wanted a Wendigo skin rug"

---Fast Forward---

Meleezon finally found the evil that was brewing trouble in the cave; an disgusting looking zombie with even worse smelling breath.

"Corpsefire ay?" she said, reading a name tag pinned on the zombie's chest. She wrinkled her nose, somewhat unimpressed by the drooling rotbag in front of her. The old zombie slowly turned her way and grinned a toothless smile.

"Arrrrnnn?"

"Oh, you wanna eat me Corpsey? Not before we dance!" Meleezon cried. She sliced her sword to his left and right, making him move in a slow-motion P-Diddy-like rap routine (only better).

"Arrrrn," retorted Corpsefire, and tried to get close enough to strangle her. Unfortunately, Meleezon simply chopped off both his hands.

"Hands to yourself Corpsey, and while you're at it…"

-Chop-thunk-

"… get your eyes off me too."

She waited for the body to flop to the floor, and then began to casually frisk the area for anything of use.

"Hmmm… shiny javelins. That's it? Hmph, I find them when I DON'T need them."

Highly dissatisfied with her winnings, Meleezon decided to return to camp and ask for free beer. At least that'd make the whole deal slightly worthwhile.

---Fast Forward---

Akara was pleased with Meleezon's success in the Den.

"I am grateful for your actions, but I never even told you what I really wanted you to do. I could have wanted you to bring back three pieces of grass from the caves floor, or the left pinky of a Fallen for all you knew."

"Bah, I don't think anyone actually bothers to find out the complete details of quests these days. How about that reward you were just about to offer?"

"Why yes, I will grant you the ability to improve your skills in… whatever it is you big island women have skills in."

Meleezon stared at her half-drunk pitcher of beer.

"I'll never finish this… unless… up the drinking skills, on the double!

"A wise and well thought out choi… wait…"

---Fast Forward – Later---

Meleezon finished her sixth drink, and was just wondering what to do next, when two other would-be heroes wandered into camp. Not wanting to be the rude neighbor, Meleezon headed over to say hello.

"Yo, I'm Meleezon. How you's doin'?"

"Hey," said the Necromancer. "I'm Scary Dude, and I'm doing well. This here is Lourt Cho," he gestured to the Assassin woman beside him. She smiled politely and nodded, but said nothing.

"Hah! Scary Dude! Fitting name," Meleezon said. She suddenly noticed his clay golem was staring at her very intently and drooling...

"Yeah, I'm proud of it," said Scary Dude, "Anyways, I'm off to rescue Cain. Wanna come?"

"Um… Cain? Who or what is that?"

"Oh, you know: some guy who lived through Diablo's first return, knows all this really 'important' stuff. Akara wants us to rescue him so she can get some advice on how to defeat the evil corrupting this land blah blah blah. Fact is; it'll be profitable. You in?"

"Sure," said Meleezon, "But if I die... you are so not going near my body"

-mumbles something about Necrophilia under her breath-

---Fast Forward – The Dark Woods---

"Ahhh! It's Treehead! Ru -... no wait...

---Rewind – The Stony Field---

"Aahhhh! It's Rakinishu! Run away!"

Meleezon screamed while running frantically in circles being chased by a little blue demon. Rakinshu was a fabled pest of the stony fields, and Scary Dude had just insisted they take a short cut. The necromancer watched Meleezon's plight in amusement from a distance.

"Need some help, do you?"

"Shut up and kill him, you freaky dead-loving moron."

Scary laughed and casually pulled out his wand.

"Biggus Gnashers Chompo El Bitey!"

A pair of glowing flexible bones shot from the tip of his wand and chased down the Fallen pursuing Meleezon. They bit his skin and bore deep into the flesh.

Rakinishu gave a single squeal and fell over.

"He's dead," Scary grinned.

It took a few minutes for the words to register, and Meleezon finally stopped running in circles.

"I knew that" she replied, "I was just... feeling energetic. I'm allowed to FOR GODS SAKES STOP YOUR GODDAM GOLEM FROM STARING AT ME!"

---Fast Forward – Back in the Dark Wood---

"Ah! It's Treehead! Run!" Meleezon screamed while running in circles being chased by a giant Wendigo. He snarled with fury and showed no signs of tiring despite the long pursuit.

.   
Lourt Cho, who had been silent and unhelpful till now, bravely ran in for the rescue. But after her head was nearly separated from her body, she decided it might be safer if she bravely opened a town portal and bravely ran through it.

Scary Dude was hiding behind a rock, desperately fiddling with his wand.

"Goddam it Necromancer, get your hands off your wand and do something!"

"Just a second, I've just got to -"

Suddenly skeletons rose from the ground all around them. Meleezon screamed in horror and ran for a massive dead tree, scrambling up it to safety. To her surprise, they started attacking Treehead, and the giant beast was beaten in mere seconds. Scary Dude came out from behind his rock, grinning widely.

"Well, that wasn't too bad," he said. "My trusty skeletons always do the trick. We're just lucky there were some… less resourceful hero's here before us. I imagine old Treehead has munched on a few in his time."

Meleezon, still cautious of the roaming skeletons, began to climb down the tree trunk.

"Hmmm yeah. I'm not sure which I prefer; him or those walking bonebags."

A piece of bark ripped off in her hand as she made her way down. Noticing mysterious markings on it, she quickly rolled it up and placed it in her backpack before Scary could notice.

"It's ok, my skeletons are completely harmless. To us anyway. And it's not like Treehead was that hard to fight."

"Hard? HARD! I almost died! Screw you; I'm going back to camp. I'm sure there's something else I should be doing."

Meleezon stormed off in a huff leaving Scary Dude to his Undead play pals.

**Next Blog: Love the Dead… But don't get caught**


	2. Blog 2 – The Curse Btch and I

Blog 2 – The Curse B-tch and I

Returning to camp, Meleezon spied the local warrior woman, Kashya, wandering in circles while reading a book.

"Oh, is that this month's copy of 'Cosmedieval'?" asked Meleezon excitedly,

"No, it's the diary from one of my lieutenants," replied Kashya. "From just after she got corrupted."

"Any juicy goss then?"

"Not so far. But this part is interesting:

'Dear Diary,

Today, Andariel corrupted me and made me the head of my own undead army. It's not an awfully bad thing, you know; being corrupted. I've had a real craving for human flesh, but other then that I just want to conquer the world. But like, doesn't -every- girl want to do that? Nothing new I say. Anyway, I'm off to the graveyard to raise some more Undead. Maybe I'll return soon and kill that cow Kashya. She always thought I was her best friend. Yeah right, like I ever meant it when I said 'Guys like butch chicks!' Ha, what a blonde…"

"That b-tch!" yelled Meleezon, "Where is she? I'll show her how dumb we blondes aren't… I mean... wait..."

Kashya raised an eyebrow, and smirked secretly.

"No doubt she's in the graveyard. Do stop by and pay her a visit. I'll give you a mercenary to help you out with the rest of your quests if you do."

"Why not give me a mercenary now? It'd make it far easier."

"If you do it alone, I'll tell everyone you're not as blonde as they think."

"Done. I'll be back in five minutes max."

---Fast Forward – The Cold Plains---

On her way to the inevitable confrontation with Blood Raven, Meleezon ran into yet another Necromancer.

"Hi! I'm Shogun Folk," he said, extending his hand.

"Another Necro?" said Meleezon in surprise. "I thought you guys were rare, if not extinct, especially in hardc... I mean in this land where death is final."

"Err... yeah," said Shogun, pulling his hand back. "So… what are you doing at the moment?"

"Oh, just off to kill some nasty Rogue raising the Undead in a graveyard."

"Sounds cool, can I come?"

"You don't have a corpse fetish like the rest of them, do you?"

"Eerrr…no. Absolutely not! How could you think such a thing? Although, If you do happen to spot a zombie with particularly attractive feet, could you perhaps point it out for me?"

"Right… um… let's go…. kill Blood Raven."

---Fast Forward---

Meleezon thought about the possible tactics she could use to defeat Blood Raven and her army, and decided that the Undead Hoard protecting her should die first. However...

"Which are the good Undead? I can't tell yours from hers!" screamed Meleezon in frustration, trying to attack yet another friendly skeleton and failing.

"Mine are the white ones," Shogun replied.

"Gee thanks. If I was colour blind I'd be screwed."

"You'll never stop me!" cackled Blood Raven, "…until I've used all the corpses in this graveyard. Then we might have a problem."

By this time the graveyard was full of the Undead; Zombies and Skeletons were beginning to over flow out of the gates and despite all the confusion, Shogun seemed strangely calm.

"Um, Shogun, isn't this getting a bit drastic?"

"Never fear. Ouchus Maximus Hurtyous!"

A strange red glow took hold of Blood Raven.

"Hahaha! You're a Curse B-tch!" Meleezon laughed.

"Yes, yes I am. But try attacking Blood Raven, you should be pleasantly surprised."

Meleezon, curiosity getting the better of her, boldly dodged the Undead and unleashed a volley of blows upon the corrupted rogue.

"ARGGHHHH!"

Blood Raven's limbs were easily cleaved from her body and she fell to the ground in a pile. The magics binding the Undead to her dissipated in a wave of lightning, and they toppled over, as dead as her.

"Hooray!" Meleezon said happily. "That'll teach you to call people blonde, I sure proved you!"

Shogun raised an eyebrow.

"Don't you mean-"

"No. Shut up. Don't talk and maybe I'll forget you were going to say anything." She kicked a zombie to make sure it was absolutely dead. "Well! I guess we should head back and get our companions."

Shogun, who had busily been organizing Blood Ravens body into funny poses, jumped up looking slightly embarrassed.

"Oh. Yeah sure. Let's go."

"Shogun, put Blood Ravens foot back"

"Fine." 

---Fast Forward---

"What? What the HELL do I need with a Rogue who can shoot bolts of fire? How pointless! Give me another one!" Meleezon yelled at Kashya.

Kashya quivered in fear at the mighty Meleezons wrath, and pulled another Rogue out of the line of mercenaries.

"This is Divo. She knows how to use Cold magic."

"That's better," said Meleezon, pleased. "Hello Divo, ready for some action?"

"Ew, get away from me you sicko, I'm no lesbain."

"That's... not what I meant..." started Meleezon.

"You're not my Mum. You can't control me!" Divo tried to run away and was inevitably pulled back by the 'invisible leash of service'.

"Hah! Yes I can. As long as I have this contract, I own you till I get bored and trade you in for a better model, or you die. In which case, I'll resurrect your ass. You can't escape."

Divo scowled and promptly ignored Meleezon. Shogun had his new Rogue too and was deep in conversation regarding the various gases that accumulate within a corpse.

"Hey Shogun, I'm going to go find and free Cain now. Apparently Scary Dude just couldn't cut it. You wanna come?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, sure. Just gimme a few minutes. We're having a... good discussion here."

Meleezon smiled at Shogun and snickered.

"Oh, are you? Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to have a Rogue companion?" she winked.

"A wand," replied Shogun.

Humour is wasted on morticians.

**Next Blog: "Stay awhile and listen, or I'll bust a boot into your scrawny ass."**


	3. Blog 3 – The Curse Btch and I Part II

_Blog 3 – The Curse B-tch and I Part II_

Feeling more confident in her abilities since her close brush with death the last time she tried to rescue Cain, Meleezon strode over to Akara.

"I think I'm ready to go rescue that old geezer now. How do I get to Tristram? I didn't even ask Scary Dude when I was traveling with him."

"Well, we need a scroll. It was supposed to be on a tree in the Dark Woods, but Scary Dude sent me a message saying he couldn't find it. I guess I was wrong."

"Oh wait, you mean this scroll?" Meleezon reached into her backpack and pulled out the rough piece of bark covered in runes.

"Why, yes! That's highly convenient".

Meleezon handed the scroll over to the old healer. Akara studied it, turned it upside down, held it up to the light, then finally flipped it over.

"Oh here it is. Instructions for getting to Tristram:

1: Go to the Stony Field.

2: Find 6 giant stones in the field, and head-butt 5 stones in the order shown on the other side of this paper. (Note: if head-butting doesn't work, just try pressing the stones softly)

3: Stand back and watch the dramatic lightning display put on for your entertainment pleasure.

4: Step through the portal.

5: Take off your shirt and jump up and down a lot."

Meleezon raised an eyebrow, snatched the paper from Akara's hands and re-read the last line.

"5: Take off your shirt and… Goddam it Shogun I told you NOT to go through my stuff!"

---Fast Forward – Cold Plains---

On their way to the Stony Field, Meleezon met another well known pest who she'd forgotten to visit before.

"So Bishibosh, we meet at last!"

"Eeyark. Ookan argho eep"

"Why thank you. You're looking well too. Although you won't be in say... oh… 3 seconds when I hack your head off."

"Yoink gar?"

-Chop hack-

"Stand back Divo, he's going to blow"

"Huh….?"

-BOOOOM-

"Oh my god… it's everywhere… it's in my battle wounds!... and my hair… oh my god, my new shoes!"

---Fast Forward – Stony Field---

Meleezon and Shogun were within sight of the stones, when they came across a small encampment of Fallen. After a quick, but satisfyingly bloody battle, Meleezon scanned the dead for anything useful, and spotted a shiny two handed axe. At the same time Shogun did. They both lunged but the Necro got there first.

"Hand that over," said Meleezon.

"I want the money I'll get from selling it," replied Shogun.

"I need it, you don't. You're pushing my buttons," growled Meleezon.

"Oh? Which buttons are they?" replied Shogun.

"The ones with a skull and crossbones that says I should go hostile on your bony ass."

Suddenly, as if from no where, a shiny glowing two handed axe appeared on the ground.

"Hey check that out!" said Shogun, "Looks cool... but you can have if you want."

Meleezon heaved her new weapon upon her shoulders. Just for fun, she chased down a lone Carver and cleaved him in two.

"Bet you're not so fond of carving now, ay? Ay? Huh? Get it?"

Shogun didn't find it funny. Meleezon chased him the rest of the way to the stones.

---Fast Forward---

"There. Finally. I told you we should have tried pressing the stones first, but nnnooooo… you really wanted to do the head-butting thing."

"C'mon, you can't say watching my Golem smashing his cranium against the rocks again and again wasn't amusing."

"Oh... alright. I admit it. Now let's go to Tristram."

"Didn't you forget to do step five…"

"RUN, CURSE B-TCH, RUN!"

---Fast Forward---

"Hey look, a dead cow-"

-BBOOOOOOOMMMMM!-

---Fast Forward---

"Deckard Cain, if you want to live, go to the Rogue Encampment!"

The doddery old man shuffled out of his cage.

"I thank you for saving my -"

"GO TO THE ROGUE ENCAMPMENT!"

Cain was surprised but nodded. Suddenly, a large Zombie stumbled out from behind a building.

"Griswold!" cried Cain happily, "Come give your old friend a hug!"

Meleezon promptly interjected.

"Dude, he's dead! Can't you see that? Look how slow he's walking. And he smells. And look at his clothing! All ripped!"

Cain thought these facts over.

"Slow. Doesn't bathe. Can't sew... yup! That's Griswold the Blacksmith all right! Come here, you old fooler you."

"Aaarrrnnn..." replied Griswold, still stumbling towards them. He'd covered around 3 metres in the past 2 minutes.

"Look, he can't even talk!" yelled Meleezon.

"Are you sure?" asked Cain, "That's the way he always says hello."

Meleezon had had enough. She pulled a town portal from her backpack and handed it to Cain.

"GO! NOW"

Cain look confused, but took the scroll anyway.

"I don't know how to get to this Rogue Encampment, but I'll try," he said.

He opened the town portal and walked through. Six feet away, another town portal opened, and Cain walked back out.

"By the Gods!" he cried, "The minions of Diablo have even reached the Rogues!"

Meleezon slapped her forehead and ground her teeth. Cain was a perfect example of why the elderly were encouraged to wander in the jungle of the Amazonian Isles. She opened a town portal of her own, picked up Cain and threw him through.

Meanwhile, Griswold was getting dangerously close. He picked up speed from 4 steps per minute to 6. Meleezon looked for Shogun, and spotted him teasing some Goatmen by casting a fear curse on them.

"How does it feel, how does it feel?" he screamed while chasing them through the burning buildings.

"Oi, Shogun. Care to do the honours?" Meleezon enquired.

Shogun paused long enough to cast that familiar red curse.

"Thanks."

-Chop. Thunk-

"Hmph," thought Meleezon as she frisked over the body, "for an ex-blacksmith, old Grissy sure carried crap gear."

She walked over to the portal Cain had disappeared through.

"Shogun I'm going now. Are you coming or are you going to terrify those goats into bleating themselves?"

The chuckling Necromancer left his entertainment and followed Meleezon through the portal. 

---Fast Forward---

"Thank you for saving me from that doomed town, hero. I would surely have starved to death in another 2 or 3 minutes"

"No problem. Now, let's talk payment."

"Surely. As reward, I shall analyse any magic item you bring before me, make 'hmmm' and 'ahhh' noises to make it sound exciting, then tell you randomly what it does. If you don't like what it does, I'll make something else up until we get something you do."

"Sounds useful… what do these gloves do?"

"Hmmm….. ahhhh!"

"What? What do they do?"

"Let's see. I'd say… +3 to nose picking."

"….what."

"Don't like that? Ok+2 to ass scratching?"

"You're not helpful in the slightest. Just give me a rare weapon or I'll wipe the grass with your bald head."

"Just try it punk. I'm ex-Horadrim, I know the moves!"

-Does some Kung-Fu style Matrix moves. Breaks hip.-

"….. would you settle for a thumb wrestle?"

"Why did I waste my time rescuing you? I'm going to see Akara."

---Fast Forward---

"You have saved the life of Deckard Cain," said Akara happily, "and for that I shall reward you."

She handed Meleezon a shiny ring.

"Ooohhh... sparkly... but what does it do?"

"It will increase the speed in which you cast spells by ten percent." Akara beamed, "It was a prized possession of my family." 

Meleezon said nothing. Then, after awhile, she walked over to the local Blacksmith, Charsi.

"I'll give you 260 gold for it," Charsi said.

Meleezon agreed and made sure Akara could see as she handed over the worthless ring and took the gold. She flipped the peeved healer an obscene hand gesture as she walked past.

"Amazon. Not Sorceress. There's at least 4 bra sizes between us for crying out loud!"

Shogun was packing his stuff. Apparently he'd decided that loving the living was far more rewarding then loving the dead, as he and his Rogue were planning to run away and get married.

"Where's the ceremony going to be?" asked Meleezon.

"The Cemetery, of course," scoffed Shogun. "It's so peaceful. And we'll be surrounded by my darling's rotting relatives. She really likes the idea. I think. At least, I'm pretty sure that was 'vomit of happiness'. Comes with the tears, right?"

Meleezon waved goodbye and went off in search of a new quest.

**Next Blog: "What do you MEAN you don't want my blood? Ooohh... the virgin thing... hehe... ahem."**


	4. Blog 4 – Oh My God, They Killed Divo!

_Blog 4 – Oh My God, They Killed Divo!_

Meleezon and Divo had been wandering for days, looking for something to do. And suddenly, to their surprise, they came across a book in the middle of the Stony Field.

"What exactly is this doing here?" asked Meleezon curiously.

"Don't look at me, I didn't write it!" said Divo indignantly.

Meleezon looked at her ditzy companion and shook her head. She opened the book and began to flick through some pages:

"Recipe of the month… how to please your Paladin… seven pros of demonic possession… hey check this out: "The Countess"."

Divo and Meleezon read through the story of The Countess together.

"Well, I can see why that submission won the 200 gold weekly prize," Divo said when they were done.

"Yeah. What a freak. Hey, how bout we go pay her a visit?"

"Uumm... alright. But I have this weird feeling I'm going get hurt during this quest."

"Oh nonsense… you'll be fine!"

---Fast Forward – The Black Marsh---

The Black Marsh proved to be challenging, as Meleezon and Divo alone crossed its swampy surface. In the distance, a small band of corrupted rogues could be seen. Divo immediately sprung into action. 

"I'll free you sisters!" she cried, running towards them and firing her bow wildly.

"Ahhh.. Divo... I dunno if that's such a good idea. One of those Rogues looks like she might have special powers and -" 

Thwack-wack-wack-wack-wack 

-Divo has died-

"Hmmm... multi-shot even. Oh well, back to town"

---The Black Marsh - Take 2---

The Black Marsh proved to be challenging, as Meleezon and Divo alone crossed its swampy surface. In the distance, a small band of corrupted rogues could be seen. Divo pretended not to notice them and instead pointed out a large, run down pile of stone.

"There's the Forgotten Tower. Lets go plunder it for wealth, steal from the dead, defile coffins, and perhaps run into that skanky ho, 'the Countess'?"

"Sounds like a plan," agreed Meleezon.

They entered it's depths with steady hearts.

---Level 1---

"Look Divo, Rogues! Shall we go free them?"

"Ummm... later. I've just found a really interesting speck of dust." 

---Level 2---

"Divo, watch out for those goatme-"

-Divo has died-

"Goddam it. Another 270 gold gone."

---One Trip to Town Later – Level 3--- 

"Ooohhh... ghosts! Are you scared Divo? ... Divo? Oh come on! No one could honestly get lost in a level this small."

---Level 4---

"Right, another Rogue. And by the look of all those colours on her arrows, I'd say she has the ability to inflict any elemental damage she wishes to her attacks. You stay here Divo, I'll go take them out." 

-Thock-ock-ock-ack-wack-twang -

-Meleezon has 3 life left-

"Well... hmm... Hey Divo, that Rogue said you uncorrupted ones couldn't shoot for $hit"

"WHAT? That b-tch! I'll rip her freakin' hair ou-"

-Thock-ock-ock-ack-wack-twang-

-Divo has died-

"Oh well, least this time she was actually useful," Meleezon mused after picking through the Rogue remains. "And look! A shiny bow! That should make for a good 'sorry for tricking you into being a diversion and making you commit suicide' gift."

---Back at Camp---

"Meleezon, I've been asked to have a word with you about your treatment of hired colleagues. Apparently, and I'm not mentioning any names, but one or more feel that you've been letting them die a tad to often."

Kashya was trying to pull her 'I'm a tough Rogue and your an outsider' trick.

"Divo said that?" Meleezon asked, eyebrow raised.

"I didn't say Divo," replied Kashya.

"She's been my only hired companion."

"Ummm... yes... well... just treat them with a bit of respect hmmm?" 

"Fine. Here's the resurrection money. Now Divo, come. Heel."

"Ahem," glared Kashya.

Meleezon rolled her eyes.

"Fine. Lets go Divo."

---Level 5---

"Now Divo, you have a shiny new bow. Be careful. I'm sick of paying to bring your arrow ridden corpse back to life."

"Maybe one day it'll be your arrow ridden corpse they find," glared Divo.

Meleezon laughed.

"Hah, didn't you read the fine print of our contract? If I die, you die. No matter how fit and healthy you are, if I drop stone dead, you'll follow. And there's no resurrection for you then."

Divo looked nervous.

"Um... are you sure you want to do so much fighting? Maybe you need a back massage? A foot rub perhaps? I can run around and crash tackle demons if you like?"

Meleezon motioned with her axe to a nearby doorway.

"Through there is the Countess. She likes to bathe in the blood of virgins." 

"Oh, then you should be quite safe," retorted Divo

"It was to your brother," replied Meleezon.

"YOU B-ITCH!"

Suddenly a voice floated through the doorway.

"Care for a blood bath?" it asked.

Meleezon stormed in and took a battle stance.

"Your blood bathing days are over, whoare. I'm gonna..."

"Shhhhh! Do you mind, I'm on the phone," hissed the Countess. She was sitting in a bubble bath, phone to her ear. A switchboard beside her was alight with flashing buttons. Above read: **"1800-SACRI-FICE: We'll Get Your Blood Boiling."**

"And now I'm taking my finger, and gouging satanic symbols into my arm with the nail. Ooohh... yeah that feels so good," the Countess was cooing into the phone. "Would you like to touch me?... Ummm... sure, tentacle suction cups feel nice... I guess." 

Meleezon stared in disgust.

"No wonder no one comes to this tower anymore. What a horrible display." 

The Countess looked annoyed and hung up the receiver.

"Can I help you? I'm trying to run a business here. Do you have an appointment?"

"No," replied Meleezon, "But Divo here is really interested in what it feels like to 'swing the other way'."

"Hmm.. sorry not today. The 'Dungeon Mistress Meets Innocent Virgin' role-play isn't open during the week."

"I'm kidding. I'm here to put you out of business."

The Countess rolled her eyes.

"Typical. You start a business, slaughter a few virgins and everyone's out for your head."

---Fast Forward---

"Here Divo, catch"

"AARRHHH! Don't throw it around... IT'S STARING AT ME! Gross, I'm going to spew."

---Fast Forward - Back At Town---

"Hey everyone! I killed the Countess! I'm a hero!" Meleezon shouted while in the middle of the encampment.

Gheed, Warriv and Cain seemed unimpressed.

"Mmmm... yes. Well done. Thanks to you, now I have to spend my lonely Saturday nights willing a strong breeze to blow through camp when a Rogue walks by," mumbled Gheed. "Thanks alot."

Suddenly Charsi came running up.

"My hammer! My hammer! I've lost my wonderful hammer. I left it at the Cathedral!"

Meleezon looked surprised.

"How'd you _just_ realise you'd lost it? It's been like 3 weeks. And I've seen you using one all the time. Where'd that go?"

Charsi looked embarrassed.

"Oh... that wasn't actually a hammer. That was a rock tied to some wood. I was hoping it'd do the trick just as well. I made this sword with it and it's perfect!" she said, holding out a mace for all to see. 

"Fine, I'll go get your damned hammer. But I better get something good from it."

Charsi looked confused.

"Do you want me to give you something now or after you get back from the Barracks? Cause Gheed's done that like 3 times, and I swear he hasn't even stepped out of the gates once to fetch my hammer, like he promised. There's only so many 'favours' I'm willing to perform."

"Ummmm... I'll be back soon."

**Next Blog: Tamoe Shamoe, Who's Scared of Quill Rats Anyway?**


	5. Blog 5 – Muscles, Friends and FREE4U

_Blog 5 – Muscles, Friends and FREE4U_

After an extremely pointless and uneventful walk through the Tamoe Highlands, Divo and Meleezon arrived at... oh wait, something did happen.

---Rewind---

"Hahah! Take that, Quill Rats! Feel the wrath of REAL projectiles!"

"You really get into killing those rodents, don't you Divo?"

"Wouldn't you if you didn't wear much in the way of rear protection and one day you sat down on what appeared to be a grassy rock? It took me a freakin' week to get all those spines out! Not to mention the humiliation of having Akara 'heal me' every day."

"Good point."

"Ahah! Another one!"

-Boink-

"What the hell was that, Divo? I've never seen that happen before."

"I... don't know. Whoa! Check out my arm! It's a muscle! Awesome! I feel stronger now!"

"Um, yeah. Good for you."

"I feel stronger now! I feel stronger now!"

"Shut up."

---Fast Forward---

"So this is the Rogue Citadel, your home Divo?"

"Yeah. Isn't it lovely?"

Meleezon watched as a Carver ran past, dragging his butt along the carpet and leaving a charming brown trail.

"Yes… could do with some cleaning though."

Divo began to give the guided tour.

"We're in the Citadel Gate at the moment. Walk through this door and look! Now we're in the Outer Cloister! Step back through, now we're in the Citadel Gate again! Outer Cloister…. Citadel Gate… Outer Cloister –"

"Divo, would you like to know what it feels like to be cut in half?"

"Not really"

"Then shut up and show me the way to the Barracks."

At the entrance of the Barracks, Meleezon was surprised to be greeted by not one new companion, but three. A Barbarian was the first to wave in greeting

"Yo, I'm Balthassar, and that's a nice rack!"

"I beg your pardon?" said Meleezon in surprise.

"Sorry, I was talking about those weapon racks over there," he said, gesturing over to a wall lined with pole arms in the Barracks. "Anyway, the Sorceress beside me here is Frozen Spooky. She's-"

"I can introduce myself, you _man_," the tall woman wearing a rather skimpy green fabric interrupted. She looked Meleezon up and down and wrinkled her nose. "Ah, hello? Red is, like, sssoooo last week. You really want to be seen fighting the forces of evil in THAT? Puh-lease."

Meleezon smiled sweetly and pretended like she didn't really want to rip the b-tche's head off and shove it down her throat.

"Grrr… me Hidalgo!" said a rather stupid looking Druid who was standing next to Frozen and panting. He scratched himself behind the ears, growled at some buzzing flies, and mumbled something about wanting to 'mark his territory'. Balthassar, who had obviously been traveling with these two for awhile, winked at Meleezon and let out a gasp.

"Hidalgo! Quick! I think your tail is trying to get away!"

"Huh? Wha?... Where?"

The druid immediately looked frightened and began to run in circles, chasing his behind.

"He's not even in werewolf form," said Meleezon, watching the display of sheer stupidity.

"I know, makes it all the more funny," said the Barbarian. "Just don't ask him about his fleas; he's named them all."

"Ahhhh! Me lost Itchy! Itchy, where are you? Bitey, look for Itchy. Bloaty look after Bitey."

Balthassar sighed with obvious pity.

"Anyway, we're about to go in and take on the Smith. Apparently he's guarding a hammer or something."

"Oh yeah, I need that hammer," said Meleezon, "I'll come too."

"Sure, and maybe the Smith will fall in love with your fashion sense and whisk you away to his four bedroom cesspit in Hell." Frozen was just asking to be b-tch slapped.

"Go stand on a corner. Oh wait; you're a cold enchantress aren't you? Was your nickname at school 'Cold Fish' perhaps?"

"How dare you!... It was Fridgette, but that's not important!"

"Oooohh cat fight! Where's a video camera when I need one?"

"Shut up Balthassar. I know your nickname was 'Wee Willy' in high school."

"Why were you called that Balth?"

"Eeer… no reason… let's go kill the Smith."

---Fast Forward---

"ARGH! He's trying to smell my ass!"

"Oh Divo, that just means he wants to be your friend!"

---Fast Forward---

"Fee Fi Fo Fum. I smell the… pwhoar… bloody Hells… when was the last time you guys washed?"

The four heroes (and hired Rogue) stood in the forging room of the Barracks. The Smith, holding his nose and spraying some air freshener in their direction, was standing near a mighty anvil, upon which sat a small glowing hammer.

"You're not to pleasant yourself, Pinky," retorted Meleezon.

"I'll grind your bones to make my butter. I'll tear off your skin and use it for a toupee. I'll drain all your blood and make a nice gazpacho soup, garnish it with some parsley, sour cream, other assorted herbs… it'll be divine."

"You haven't practiced these much have you?"

"No not really. Would it be easier to say 'I'm gonna kill you'?"

"Yes"

"I'M GONNA –"

-Chop-

"Dude… Balthassar. What the hell? You never told me you could jump through ceilings."

"Family secret. Sorry, but that guy talked too much."

He walked over and picked up the hammer.

"Here Meleezon, you take it back to town. I'm gonna scout around abit and kill some more…"

At that moment, piercing static in their ears made all the heroes cringe. Someone was broadcasting a message over the "Slick, Quick, Hero Communication Channel".

(Every hero had a micro-communication chip implanted in their heads for easy person-to-person talking. Great for choosing which take-out everyone wants, and unanimously deciding who has to tip the delivery boy.)

The static died and a voice became clear in their ears.

"Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? FFWWEEPPPPP oops sorry, guess it is. Ahem: To all heroes in the area, I am the great Assassin Selenah, and I am retiring. I have left lots of stuff near Charsi to help you's out. I've told her not to touch it, but you can't be sure, so get there quick before the greedy b-tch takes it for herself.

Thank you for your time………. Now Gheed, about that charm of your-"

Before the message had even fully ended, 4 simultaneous town portals had been opened and used.

---Fast Forward - Back in Town---

"Mine mine mine!" screamed Balthassar, running to pick up some armor.

Meleezon didn't have time to talk; she just grabbed whatever was closest.

Frozen Spooky spotted the Artic Belt and almost wet herself with joy.

"Ooooohhh! This will go really well with my furry Ugg-boots."

Hidalgo was standing on the bridge, on the other side of camp.

"Where? Where free? Me can't find!"

Meleezon admired her prizes with glee.

"Wow! Blue shoes! I wonder what they do?"

Balthassar, who was busy polishing his new armor, looked up and snorted.

"Damn, I knew I should have grabbed them. Those are Gorefoot, the ancient blue bouncing booties of the Barbarian. I'd wrassle you for them… but I couldn't care all that much. This armour is enough."

"Hmm…" Meleezon said, putting the boots on her feet and testing them. "Bouncing booties, ay? How does it work?" She crouched and jumped; achieving a very stylish bunny hop. Divo clapped in admiration.

Her next find was labeled "Bladebone"; a single handed axe and a rather unique looking weapon at that. Meleezon tested it by swinging in a wide ark and nearly lopping off the end of Divo's pony tail.

"You cow! You almost cut my hair off! That would have been a good salon treatment wasted!" Divo said, almost crying.

"Stop the tears, and try this on for size," Meleezon said, giving her a brand new bow with the words "Raven Claw" engraved on it.

"Ooohhh… I've got to go target practice!" she said, heading in Gheed's direction.

And finally, Meleezon held up and studied a great two handed sword.

"My word, that's Soulflay!" Cain said in aghast as he spotted it. "That's an amazing old weapon bathed in the poison of –"

"Did I ask your opinion, baldy? Get back in the corner and stay there."

Cain sulkily headed back to his corner of the encampment and Meleezon tried to lift the sword up to test it. Unfortunately for her it weighed far more then she could handle, and she fell ungracefully onto her behind.

"Eh, it's probably crap anyway," she said, tossing it into her stash.

Charsi, glaring at the heroes through squinted eyes, made a huffing noise.

"I should have at least got _some_ kind of gift for watching those weapons for you."

Meleezon bent down, picked up a rock with some strange symbols on it and tossed it to her.

"You can have that. I have no use for it."

"What is it?"

"A pet rock. If you look after it it'll grow!"

"OOHH!" Charsi squealed in delight. "Oh I love it! Come here, you. I'm going to hug you and squeeze you and name you George…"

The heroes watched her walk away to build a new home for her friend.

"Ummm… shouldn't we give her the hammer?"

"Heh, in a minute, Divo. Have you seen my new shoes?"

**Next Blog: "You'll imbue my WHAT with magic powers?"**


	6. Blog 6 – L337 Blacksmithing Skillz

Blog 6 – 1337 Blacksmithing Skillz and Shortcuts

Meleezon finished admiring herself in her new gear and packed the rest away in her stash. Balthassar and Frozen called out to her as they left camp:

"Nice meeting you Meleezon, but we've got to go retrieve Hidalgo. He spotted a rabbit and if we don't stop him soon he'll get his head jammed down a warren again."

They left, and Meleezon strode over to the blacksmithing tent. Charsi had her rock in some water, apparently giving it a bath.

"You're a dirty rock, yes you are."

"Ah, Charsi? Here's your hammer."

"Wow! Thanks!" she cried, dropping the rock with a splash. "That was ssoo sweet of you."

"Yeah. That's me. Sweet all over. Give me my reward."

"Of course! Just give me a weapon or bit of armour, and I'll use my special hammer to imbue it with magic powers." Charsi said, making twinkling motions with her fingers and going 'ooohhhh' in a spooky way.

"Alright…" said Meleezon cautiously. "I've been saving this helm for awhile. Imbue it for me."

"Sure!" says Charsi. She took the helm, went over to her anvil and smacked it three times with her hammer. After a quick glance over, she returned to Meleezon and handed it back.

"…. So what does it do?"

"I don't know. I just imbue it."

"It has three dents and is twisted slightly out of shape. It's broken, not imbued."

"Umm… I'm pretty sure it's magic now." Charsi said indignantly, while making twinkling motions with her fingers and going 'ooohhhh' in a spooky way.

"No, it's f-&ed. There's a difference. I don't count that as my reward." Meleezon threw the helm away and handed Charsi some chain mail. "Imbue that. And this time, don't wreak it."

"Sure! No problem!" nodded Charsi. She took the armour and returned to her anvil.

-6 hours later-

"Here you are."

"Ok. Now, what does it do?"

"Oh you know… makes you stronger… bit resistant against some elements…"

"That's it?"

"Well… yeah."

"It took you 6 hours to make my armour do that?"

"Oh no, that only took 10 minutes."

"Then what'd you spend the other 5 hours and 50 minutes doing?"

"Making that hole there!" says Charsi, pointing to a gap in the armour around the belly button. "It'd perfect for putting gems or jewels in and looks reeaalllyy stylish."

Meleezon took her armour and began to back away slowly.

"Ahhh… yeah. I'm sure it is. Thanks Charsi... I'm just going to go over here now and…"

Charsi watched the Amazon running away at full speed and sighed.

"Well, that's gratitude for you. But you still love me, don't you George? Yes you do…"

---Fast Forward---

Meleezon and Divo stood at the entrance to the jail and peered into the gaping blackness all around them. Various torture devices filled the area and endless cells lined the walls.

"I thought you Rogues were nice?" Meleezon scoffed.

"Oh we are," replied Divo. "But have you ever seen a couple hundred women all living in one big Citadel together? Someone _always_ has PMS. We need a place to relieve our tension; namely by finding the first man that pisses us off and hanging him from his ankles, while we nag at him for endless hours about how his kind never appreciates us enough. Most don't even live to the physical torture part."

Meleezon shrugged in agreement.

"Makes sense I guess. But why have you got so many cells? This place is huge!"

"Oh, this is only the first level. There's two more below this. And we have to go through all 3 to get to the Inner Cloister."

Meleezons jaw dropped.

"Your freakin kidding me, right? No way am I walking through 3 levels of this place. It's dark as all hell! And it smells! Isn't there a shortcut?"

"Of course, follow me."

---Fast Forward – Outer Cloister---

Meleezon and Divo, now back in the Outer Cloister, were facing the far wall of one of the 3 rooms surrounding the Cloisters center.

"Divo, this is a dead end," said Meleezon.

"Ah, but watch." Divo reached over and pulled a torch from the wall. Nothing happened. "Um… I'll be just a second," she stammered.

Mumbling to herself, she searched the wall until she found a brick, and gave it a hard push. Again, nothing happened.

"Open Sesame!" she shouted. The wall didn't reply.

"Um, hey, Divo? Maybe I should pull this lever here that says 'Pull For Secret Passageway'?"

"Oh… yeah that'll work."

Meleezon pulled the lever and the wall opened to reveal the Inner Cloister.

"Hah! Sucked in to all those heroes running through the Jail at the moment."

They walked through the doorway together and Divo paused.

"Wow, I just realized! I'm in the Outer Cloister…. Now I'm in the Inner Cloister. Outer Cloister… Inner Cloisture… Outer Cloi-"

"Divo-"

"Yeah I know. I'm coming"

---Fast Forward – The Cathedral---

"That was a cool green skeleton."

"Yeah, that was Bone Ash. Used to be the priest here. One of the few men allowed."

"How'd he die?"

"Oh, one of the Rogues asked him if wearing a habit made her ass look big."

"What'd he say?"

"The truth"

"Oh dear…"

"Yeah. We found him stabbed, shot with an arrow and set on fire."

"Nice to see she went easy on him."

"Yeah I don't think he suffered much."

"So; where now?"

"Well, we're in the Cathedral at the moment. And we reckon Andariel's taken up residence on the fourth floor of the Catacombs below us-"

"Whoa what? FOURTH floor?"

"Yeah. The catacombs have four floors."

"… are they all as dark as the jail?"

"I'd say so, maybe a tad darker."

"Oh screw this. I'm going back to town."

**Next Blog: PK does not stand for 'Peace Keeper'.**


	7. Blog 7 – Trust Not Thy Holy Warriors

Blog 7 – Trust Not Thy Holy Warriors

Meleezon awoke the next morning from her "I'm so not going into the catacombs" drinking binge with a throbbing headache.

"Oooohhh… dude. That's the last time I do Cowboy shots with Cain. That old bastard can really put it away."

She rolled over and was greeted by an unfamiliar face.

"Hello," the face said.

Meleezons scream could be heard from the far side of camp.

"Oh god, please tell me we didn't do it."

"Relax. I'm a Druid, I only love animals."

"Oh phew, that's ok th… OH MY GOD!"

"Chill. It was a joke."

"Oh. Ok. So what were you doing in bed with me?"

"Well I joined your shots contest half way through. Then when you passed out, I dragged you here and you kind of fell on me. For a woman you're very solid. I couldn't move you... although I'd have to admit I didn't try very hard."

"Right. Ok. Ow, my freakin head. Where's Divo? Where's breakfast? Where's my coffee? What the hell is your name? Bring me aspirin!"

"One at a time please: Divo is sleeping off her own binge. Apparently she had one shot of vodka and fell off her log. She's probably still there."

Meleezon peered out of the tent towards the campfire. Sure enough, there was Divo, flat on her back snoring.

"Hah, light weight."

"My name is Quetzalcoatl… Quets for short. Breakfast is out in the Blood Moor ('So THAT'S what that place is called!' thought Meleezon) if you can catch it, and unfortunately for you, coffee and aspirin haven't been invented yet."

"Typical," she groaned, holding her head. "Our Alchemists can brew thawing, explosive and gassy potions, and ones that can mend broken bones; but give them some coffee beans and their talents go right out the window."

"So it seems. Anyway, before she… went to sleep… Divo said you's were going to go take on Andariel soon. Maybe I can be of some help?"

"If you so wish. Let me just get my gear." Meleezon sat up and then gave a long pause. "… Did you undo my bra?"

Quets was almost out the door before she could finish the sentence.

---Fast Forward---

"Holy crap, what the hell are they?" Divo cried as she and Meleezon arrived at the Cathedral doors. Quets was waiting, completely surrounded by animals.

"These are my pets," he stated. "This is Howler, Growler, Snarler, and Mango, my wolves. The raven I like to call "STOP $HITTING ON MY HEAD!" and that creepy red glowing thing is a spirit. He's supposed to increase my life, but all he seems to do is watch me intently every time I go to the bathroom."

"Ooooook then." Meleezon eyed the spirit, who seemed to be eyeing her back. "Shall we proceed into the first level?"

"Sure, as soon Howler stops trying to hump Divo's leg"

"AH! HELP! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"

---Fast Forward – Level 1---

"It's so freakin dark… I can't see a thing!"

"Aren't you Amazons supposed to have some kind of innate ability for hunting in dark forests… Inner Sight perhaps?"

"….. Well I'll be; you're right! How about that…"

---Fast Forward---

"OH... for crying out loud! Geez louise… can't you even keep your pets under the slightest bit of control? It's all OVER my shoe…. bloody hell… probably smells as well -sniff- OH MY GOD."

---Fast Forward – Level 2---

"Well that was pretty easy. I don't know what I was worried about," mused Meleezon.

"Yeah, the only thing to fear around here is Quets' dog sh-"

"Hey I apologized for that, drop it already will you?"

Meleezon, Quets and Divo had finally found the stairs down.

"Level 3 girls. You want to go?"

"I dunno, think we're ready?"

At that moment, the tell tale static of someone using the Slick, Quick, Hero Communication Channel filled their ears:

"Greetings, fellow heroes," boomed a voice, "I am the mighty Oreni Sakaruka, noblest of Paladins with no thoughts of murder on my mind at all. I offer my services to those in need; would you like help in dispatching a loved one or school friend? No problem! Or perhaps killing Hell Lords lurking in the depths of Rogue Citadels is more your thing? Give me a call; we'll work something out."

"Hey, that's just what we need!" said Quets happily.

"Ummm… I'm not sure Quets… maybe we shouldn't tell him where we are just ye-"

"This is Quetzalcoatl to Oreni," Quets said, pressing his ear and sending a message of his own over the com-channel, "We're on level 2 of the catacombs in the Rogue Citadel. Think you could help us out? I'll wait for you by the stairs"

"Quets, I'm serious, this guy sounds like bad news…"

"Bah, you're just paranoid. He's a Paladin, a Holy Knight! Why would he want to do us any evil?" Quets gathered his pets and headed to the stairwell.

"Alright, but just in case, I'll wait here with a town portal open until you's get back." Meleezon called after him.

---Fast Forward---

"AAAAHHHHH! HE'S AFTER ME!" screamed the voice of Quets through the S.Q. Channel.

"Quick, cast a portal and get out!" screamed Meleezon back through hers.

"I can't, I don't have time; he's RIGHT on my tail."

"Well get your furry ass back here as fast as possible!"

Meleezon readied herself by the portal. Divo, in a crouched diving position, was determined to beat her should things turn out bad. Suddenly from the other end of the room, Quets burst through the doorway.

"He's after me! He's going to get me!"

Directly behind him was a plate mail clad Paladin, swinging a hammer wildly and screaming.

"Death to the noob-heathen! I am invincible Muwahahahah! AND PRESIDENT BUSH IS NOT AN IDIOT!"

"That guy is insane!" yelled Meleezon, "Quick Quets, run faster!"

His pets had died defending him, he was alone and being pursued, and half way across the room, it became very apparent he wasn't going to make it. Meleezon saw no other choice; she had to step through the portal.

---Fast Forward - Back in Town---

Quets' death scream still rung in her ears. Through the portal, Meleezon could see the gloating form of Oreni, standing over his kill.

"No one can defeat me! I are the greatest!"

Quets body began to shake, and slowly, a glowing blue spirit rose from his shattered form.

"You're an a$$hole", it said, floating in front of the Paladin for a second, before dissipating into the air.

Oreni Sakaruka laughed once more, then opened his town portal and disappeared, back to wherever his evil dwelling resided. Divo looked rather depressed.

"We couldn't have helped him?" she asked.

"Not if you fancy rotting with the rest of your ancient sisters down there" Meleezon sighed. "Don't worry; he's gone to a better place… perhaps that mythical afterlife realm of USWEST."

Divo nodded in agreement.

"Let's get hammered. We can try for Andariel again tomorrow."

**Next Blog: I don't care if she's a Lord of Hell; I still reckon those nippel chains would freakin' hurt!**


	8. Blog 8 – Lord of the Thong

Blog 8 – Lord of the Thong

The following morning, Divo and Meleezon said their farewells to the camp. They did not believe they would be returning. Charsi, Akara and Kashya waved goodbye from the bridge; the men had done so last night over yet another binge of beer and pretzels.

"Goodbye, Meleezon," Charsi called outs. Then she held up her rock. "Say goodbye, George." The rock was silent.

"Um… thanks, Charsi," Meleezon called back. "Later!"

"George and I will never forget you!"

The Rogues watched them disappear over the plains.

"Well, let's hope they come back alive," Akara said sadly.

"Hope who comes back?"

---Fast Forward---

"So, level 3. I think we're ready now."

"Hey look, that's where Quets fell."

"Yeah… hey! Gold! He dropped it for us as a way of saying 'thanks for not trying to rescue me and saving yourself'."

"Ummm… that doesn't sound-"

"It's my story and I'm sticking to it," said Meleezon, picking up the gold. "Besides, he'd want us to have it; we can put it to better use then he can."

---Fast Forward – Level 3---

"Vampires! Dammit their fast! And since when do they LIKE fire? This is ridiculous."

"You think that's ridiculous," replied Divo, "look at what I just found!"

She was holding a tiny creature that looked very much like a human child.

"What's a kid doing down here?" she wondered aloud. "And what a cute mask!"

As Meleezon watched, the little creature lifted up his mask and prepared to bite off Divo's hand.

"Divo, drop it!"

Divo suddenly realized what was happening, and threw the midget towards Meleezon. Perfectly timed, Meleezon kicked it in mid air.

"IIIIYYYAAaaarrggg….." screamed the Rat Man as it flew down the hallway into the darkness.

"Well done Divo. I spose if Diablo was 2 feet tall and cute looking you'd pick him up too?"

"Yes... I mean no!… I mean, maybe, if … what was the question again?"

---Fast Forward – Level 4---

"We're here. Finally. Hmm… Andariel really knows how to decorate, doesn't she?"

They were standing in a large room outside Andariels lair. Meleezon was admiring the use of human bones to make various household items.

"Check out that chair! I never knew a human rib cage could be so stylish! And that swimming pool; who would have thought a spine could make such an appropriate diving board. Water could do with a clean though," she said, wrinkling her nose and staring into the pools bubbling, red depths.

Divo finished off the rest of the zombies wandering around the room and returned to Meleezons side. Together they stood in front of the massive wooden door at the front of the room; the only thing between them and a very large Lord of Hell.

"I… don't really think I wanna do this. I mean I _know_ I'm going to die."

"Why's that?"

"Well, Andariel hates fire right?"

"She does?"

"Well, yeah. Common knowledge. Anyway, she hates fire and that... isn't exactly my area of study."

"… You know, I gave up a fire bow Rogue for you."

"Really? How sweet."

"Yeah. Now I'm wishing I hadn't."

"B-tch."

"Ho."

"MAGGOT!" screamed a voice from behind the door. A second later, it burst from its hinges. Andariel filled the archway in all her tentacled glory. "You ladies have over stayed your welcome," she growled.

"Holy crap!" screamed Divo.

"Tell me about it; she's wearing a G-String! How can you stand being in that thing all day? Or rather, all eternity?"

"It's not as hard as you might think," came the snarled reply. "Application of certain creams twice daily… minimize walking and you minimize chafing really."

"And your nippel rings! I've thought of having one done, but both? Didn't that hurt?"

"You better believe it. Plus professional piercing in Hell isn't cheap. These cost me a couple hundred gold each."

"No kidding... what do you reckon Divo, you be up for that one day?... Divo?"

Divo hadn't moved since her initial shock at seeing the Maiden of Anguish burst through the door.

"Divo, hey snap out," Meleezon said, giving her a playful nudge.

-Thunk-

Divo fell on her side, still in shocked staring position.

-Divo has died-

"…. Well. That doesn't happen to mercenaries often," said Andariel curiously. "The last person I gave heart failure was my date when he saw my _other_ piercing."

"Hmm... yeah so it's just you and me then… whoare."

"Skank."

"Succubus."

"DIE MAGGOT!"

---Fast Forward---

"AAARGHHHHHH! AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF IT WASN'T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDSSSS…!"

Andariel's dieing words echoed in the chamber, as the last of the hell fires consuming her body flickered and went out. Meleezon strode over and picked up some large rings and a scorched thong.

"Hmm… Gheed will probably pay through the nose for these," she chuckled, pocketing them. "Let's see what else Andariel was hiding away."

After a thorough search of her remains, Meleezon admired her new hoard of six gems, a bow and a terrific purple Spiked Shield.

"Excellent!" she cheered, "Just what I needed." She threw away her small shield and replaced it with the spiked one. "Purple too, it so goes with my red."

She put the bow and gems in her backpack, then stopped,

"Where _exactly_ did Andariel manage to hide a spiked shield?" she wondered.

Oh well, some things weren't meant to be answered. It was time to go back to town and receive her hero's rewards.

---Fast Forward – Back at Camp---

"… and then, Andariel burst through the doorway. Divo literally died of fright; I've never seen anything like it!"

The whole camp was gathered around the bonfire, listening to Meleezon's tale. So far, Divo's freak out had been the butt of all their jokes. The newly resurrected Rogue sat on a log beside Meleezon, fuming.

"But seriously folks, I couldn't have done it with out her. Andariel was laughing so hard it gave me time to do what was needed." The camp laughed again; Cain pretended to have a heart attack and fell off his log.

"Hahahaha… I hope he was just joking," Meleezon said, looking over at Kashya.

"Oh yeah, he's always pulling that prank on me when we're standing around in camp… although this time he is does seem to be holding his breath longer then usual… Akara, maybe you should-"

"Yes, yes, on my way," the healer replied, rolling up her sleeves and preparing for CPR.

Divo suddenly stood up.

"So, Meleezon. Since Andariel's dead now and the trade routes are open, will you be going to Lut Gholein with Warriv?"

Meleezon thought for a second.

"Yeah... I spose I will. I hear they've got great beer there."

"Good," said Divo, "'cause I'm coming with you."

"What?" said the camp in unison.

"You heard me. Thanks to that little event in the catacombs, I'll be the laughing stock of the whole Citadel if I stick around here."

Meleezon nodded in agreement.

"Yes, no doubt you will. Ok, you can come. Gheed?" she said, looking over towards the merchant.

He was sitting by himself, admiring his new thong and wondering if there was a slim chance it'd fit him. He quickly put it behind his back and responded to Meleezons call.

"Hm? What?"

"Do you have anything better that Divo could use? She's going to need tougher armour for Lut Gholein."

"Oh sure, sure. Here, take this; it's very rare leather, should fit perfectly."

"How much?"

"Oh for you? The saviour of our camp? Why, not much at all! I'd say... hmm... five or six thousand gold?"

Meleezon fished around in her purse and pulled out Quets gold.

"See Divo, I told you it'd be useful. Now put on your new armour and go pack your stuff. Warriv says we'll be leaving soon."

Divo grudgedly accepted the gift, mumbled something about how it was unflattering to her figure, and went off to her tent.

---Fast Forward---

"Ok, I'm ready to go. Hey Meleezon… have you seen what Gheed has done with those rings you sold him?"

"No, what?"

"'Nose Rings' are back in fashion, apparently. Did you even tell him what they were previously used for?"

"No… not yet," Meleezon said, spotting the merchant strutting around the camp, "But it will sure be funny when I do. Plus, I sold him three rings, and that one in his nose _isn't_ from Andariel's upper body."

"… You are so evil."

**Next Blog: Sand + Groin Armour Bad**


	9. Blog 9 – Microsoft Works: Oxymoron

Blog 9 – Microsoft Works: Worlds Best Oxymoron

"Hi! I'm Jerhyn. I rule this place. That's right, I own it. Me, all mine. You guys look tired. There's a pub at the other end of town, you could probably get some food and drink there. The inn's on the other side, run by an ex-bandit. Don't worry, he guarantee's good prices or your wallet back. You ladies into having a good time? There's a Harem in the middle of town. Top class stuff, no minga's in my town, no no.

You got quite the bod, come to think of it. How would you like to join up? Pole dancing, bit of exotic show; all in good taste of course. You could make a fair bit of dough. Gotta split some with me of course; I prefer to think of it as 'tax collection' rather then pimping. Actually come to think of it you can't join at the moment. We've been having problems so I've invited all the Harem girls over to my palace for a slumber party. Hey, a sleep-over isn't a sleep-over unless it goes for a few months, know what I mean? Anyhow if you got any problems just let me know. I'll make sure you ladies are well looked after -wink-."

Meleezon and Divo stared in silence.

"Um… could your repeat everything after 'Hi! I'm Jerhyn'?"

---Fast Forward---

"Man, that guy was a total dweeb."

"Yeah. The bigger the Palace, the smaller the-"

"Hey! The Pub! I'll race you."

Meleezon and Divo entered the bar and sat down on some chairs at the counter.

"Ser-vice, ser-vice, ser-vice!" Meleezon chanted while pounding her hands on the bar top. A middle age women, eyes red with tears, came out from a back room.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"Beer. Two please."

The bar-woman sniffled while pouring out two jugs, then put them in front of her customers. Meleezon put some coins on the counter and picked up the beer.

"Yeah, that's the good stuff," she said with satisfaction. "So Divo, aren't you going to miss the Rogue Citadel? They were all your friends, right? Almost family, I spose."

"Yeah," agreed Divo, "I'll miss them. They were like family. I love having family. How bout you?"

"I wouldn't know; we Amazons aren't very close. We're very competitive. Who has the longest hair, biggest bow… and bra size, naturally."

"Ah I see. Well, I loved my sisters. I loved my family. One day I'll have some kids, a husband-"

At that point the bar woman burst into tears. She began wailing like a cat caught in a clothes wringer.

"Excuse me," said Meleezon politely, "but me and my friend here are trying to have a discussion on how nice it is to have family. Could you perhaps keep it down juusstt a teensy weensy bit?"

"I'm sorry," sniffed the bar lady, "but I just lost my husband and son to a creature that lives in the sewers below us. I've been devastated for days."

"How awful," said Meleezon. "Now you'll have to take the garbage out on your own!"

"Yes I know," replied the bar woman. "My name's Atma. I've been looking to hire someone to kill that monster. Would you girls be interested? I'll give a decent reward."

Meleezon and Divo looked at each other.

"Ahh... no offense, but I really don't think wading around in your sewers could really be covered by any reward."

"Free beer. All you can drink while you're here in Lut Ghol-"

"Divo, get your snorkel. We're going for a swim."

---Fast Forward – Sewers Level 1---

"Phwoar… Divo did you do that?"

"That joke really gets old after the seventh time."

Meleezon and her Rogue companion had been scouting around in the sewers of Lut Gholein for almost an hour.

"How many levels did Atma say this place was?"

"Three. And the monster is on the bottom one. Of course."

"Goddam it," mumbled Meleezon.

"Look out. Skeletons incoming."

Meleezon and Divo smashed their way through the walking dead. When all lay in the dust, Meleezon spotted something.

"Hey… those gloves the skeleton's wearing… they're…" she began to make strange noises and salivate.

"Umm... are you alright there?" asked Divo with raised eyebrows.

"Divo... it's… it's Bloodfist! The most beautifully unique gloves you could wish for." She pulled the gloves off the bony fingers and began to caress them to her cheek. "Oh sweet, sweet gloves. How I love thee."

"Oh, get a room!"

---Fast Forward – Sewers Level 2---

"Who would have thought so many people could die in sewers!" yelled Divo over the clatter of smashing bones.

"Yeah. I think people have been flushing more then goldfish in this town."

Meleezon turned to see another hoard of undead striding towards her with grim determination.

'No problem,' she thought. 'I'll smash 'em into-'

-DING-

"…What the hell?"

Meleezon was cast into blackness. She couldn't see, couldn't feel, couldn't smell. Her world had vanished. Far off in the distance she could hear a disembodied voice:

'$hit…. $HIT! What the hell, what the hell? Oh god, please oh please….'

-DING-

A giant, white box with writing in it suddenly appeared in front of Meleezon in the blackness:

"We would like to warn you that MSN Messenger will be closing down for routine maintenance in the next 15 minutes. Please finish all conversations now. We apologise for any inconvenience – The Microsoft .Net Framework" it stated.

'F-&! As if I care about THAT!' yelled the disembodied voice, 'Open window, NOW!'

-DING-

Suddenly Meleezon was back in the sewers. Divo was in front of her, finishing off the last of the skeleton hoard.

"Ugh... what happened," she asked, shaking her head in a daze.

"Oh, thank god you're back!" cried Divo. "You just seemed to… freeze. I couldn't get you to move or talk at all. It was like you'd gone somewhere else. Luckily I was able to hold the undead off by myself."

Meleezon shook her head, trying to figure out how she felt.

"Thanks Divo. I owe you one. I think… we'll go back to town. I don't feel so well. We'll come back and get the creature this afternoon."

**Next Blog: The hip bone's connected to the… thigh bone. The thigh bones connected to the… wrist bon-wait what?**


	10. Blog 10 – Halitosis Kills, and So Do I

Blog 10 – Halitosis Kills, and So Do I

Meleezon entered the pub and yawned loudly. Divo was at the bar, involved in a deep conversation with Atma.

"Ah, so you're awake. Have a nice rest?"

"Yeah. Feel much better now."

"Oh good. Atma and I were just talking about this strange out-of-body experience you had. It's very interesting."

"Yeah I know. I've been thinking about that myself." Meleezon pulled up a stool and sat down. "Like, I was thinking how strange life is, you know? Are we really in control of it? Is there really such thing as choice? Sometimes, for no particular reason, I feel the sudden urge to take my shirt off in public, like some greater force is exerting it's will over mine. Do you think maybe, somewhere, there's something greater then the Gods? Something watching our every move, controlling us like pawns in a chess game?"

Divo stared blankly.

"No. I don't think so."

"Oh... yeah you're probably right. C'mon, let's go kill this creature of the sewers."

---Fast Forward – Sewers Level 3---

"Pwhoar…. Divo did you-"

"Say it one more time and I'll shoot this arrow through your kneecap"

---Fast Forward---

"I think we're getting close to where the creature is," said Meleezon warily.

"Oh? What makes you say that?"

"Well, call me weird, but I don't think normal people can swap and change their body parts."

All around them and leading up the corridor ahead were various limbs and human pieces, many labeled "too fat", "too skinny" or "doesn't match outfit".

"Picky, isn't he?" Divo mused.

Sure enough, at the end of the hallway, Meleezon and Divo found the lair of Atma's creature. He had made a nice little nest of bones, and was at that moment hunched over a dissection table, pulling something to pieces while muttering to himself.

"Blasted humans. So many squishy parts; I mean look at this! Honestly, who needs that?" he threw something over his shoulder, which landed at Divos feet. She looked down at the still quivering liver and swallowed to avoid gagging.

"Hey, we NEED the liver, ok?" Meleezon snorted. "I'd be dead from alcohol poisoning long ago otherwise."

The creature whirled around, and Divo and Meleezon got an eyeful of his glorious form.

"Oh... god… oh dude, not cool... totally not cool... please, do us a favour and turn back around?" Meleezon said, shielding her eyes.

"What?" said the creature indignantly. "You're seeing someone who will soon be perfection. I should be charging you just to look at me."

"Maybe. If you were in a traveling freak show."

"Bah. Pathetic human. I am Radament! One of the mighty Reborn! You can't stop me."

"Dude, I can't even look at you, let alone stop you at the moment."

"Hmph. Soon I will be rebuilt, and better then any human ever was."

"For some reason I don't remember humans having eyes on their chin. And what the hell is that behind you?"

"Ah... that's… my tail."

"Your tail? What vital significance does that hold?"

"I can wag it... when I'm happy… and chicks dig it… look, I don't have to explain myself to you! I – am – Radament! I will rule this sewer!"

"Congratulations, what a fine establishment."

"You're just jealous."

"You saw right through me."

"Enough idle chit chat!" boomed Radament, "It is time I killed you and took your body parts for my…" he paused, staring in fascination at Meleezon.

"What are those?" he said, pointing to her chest.

"These? They're… er… they're mine. So keep your hands off."

Radament looked at her, then looked at his own chest, then back at her.

"I could do with a pair like that" he said thoughtfully.

"That's it! You are so going down!"

Meleezon rushed towards Radament, axe raised and ready. With one swift backhand he swatted her to the side. Meleezon flew to the far wall and landed with a thud.

"Ow... damn he's strong. Divo, be careful."

Divo was firing wildly into Radament chest, but having little effect. The great mummy spread out his arms to block her escape, then began to push her into a corner.

"Ah… Meleezon... bit of help here?" she cried, being pushed further and further back while still firing madly.

"I'm coming, just a second! He broke my belt and I'll be damned if I'm fighting him with my skirt around my ankles."

Divo was backed up as far as she could go, and Radament was now so close she was unable fire her bow. She looked up at his towering form and gulped.

Radament glared down at her for a few seconds, inhaled deeply, then breathed in her a face.

A cloud of green pungent gas filled the air and enveloped Divo completely. She burst into a coughing fit, and as it cleared, Meleezon could see her skin now had a sick greenish tone to it.

"Oh… my… god… I don't think he's EVER brushed his teeth… I can't breathe... head; getting dizzy… feeling... light…" her face suddenly took on a strange expression, and she began to speak in a sing song voice.

"Wheee… this stuff is great! I so have to get the recipe!" she skipped past Radament and began to run around the room, "Weee hee hee, I can fly!" She then fell on her ass and began to laugh hysterically. "Whoops, Divo fall down" she said through giggles.

Meleezon watched the pathetic display and shook her head.

"You're cruel, Radament,"

"Bring it on, biatch," he replied.

---Fast Forward---

"So… close… too… perfection…" Radament gasped. He looked up at Meleezon, standing over him.

"… and… boobies," he added. With a final sigh he collapsed onto the ground and dissolved into dust.

"Well, I think Atma's been avenged. Free beer here I come!" said Meleezon cheerfully. A sudden giggle reminded her of a certain stoned companion.

"Hey Divo, you alright?"

"Yeah yeah! Fine, cool, hickory doo, couldn't be better, what about you?"

"Umm… yeah. I'm good too. C'mon let's go back to town and-"

-Divo has died-

"Oh, for Athulua's sake…"

---Fast Forward – Back in Town, One Resurrection Later---

"Radament is dead, Atma. Lay a cold one on me."

Atma smiled for the first time since they'd arrived and quickly poured Meleezon a drink.

"Did you have any troubles dispatching him?"

"Naaaah. Not really. Although Divo did experience some hallucinogenic bodily gases."

"It all felt so real, dammit!" interjected Divo.

"Well that's great to hear," said Atma. "Hopefully nothing will go wrong for -"

The room suddenly went very, very dark.

"Eeerr… what just happened?"

"The sun! The sun! Somebody's stolen the sun!" a townspersons voice screamed through the pub window. "It's a signal, it is the end of days! Woe unto us! The Gods are angered, we shall be smited! Repent! REPENT!"

Static suddenly filled Meleezons ears.

"Errr… sorry everyone, that was me. My bad. Don't worry, I'll have the sun back up and running soon. I hope."

Meleezon pressed her ear.

"This is Meleezon to 'Stealer of the Sun'. What's the situation?"

"Meleezon ay? Been awhile since I've heard from another Amazon. The names Masti X, and I didn't actually steal the sun. We've been having some problems with the Claw Vipers lately; they've been trying to claim the Lost City for themselves. Recently they sent out a message saying that if any hero dared step one foot into it, they'd take the sun from us forever. I didn't really believe them so I… ah… I kinda just went ahead and pillaged the Lost City anyway."

"Niiicceee," replied Meleezon. "So how you gonna get it back?"

"Gotta go to their temple I guess. Smash up their black magic alters and kill their leader, Fangskin."

"Yeah, good luck with that. Don't take too long," finished Meleezon, closing the channel.

There was a silence for awhile, then another message came in.

"… I could do with some help you know."

"Hey, it's not really my concern. I haven't even stepped foot outside onto the sand yet, I doubt I'm ready to go snake skinning."

"Well unless you want to be searching the dunes in the dark for the rest of your stay, it might be wise to help me."

"You'll do fine, I'm sure."

"Yeah, you're right. You're a melee-zon anyway, probably die first snake we met."

"Cast a town portal, I'll be there in two minutes."

**Next Blog: Read It, or Hiss Off**


	11. Blog 11 – Snakes and Splatters

Blog 11 - Snakes and Splatters

"So this is the Lost City ay?"

"Yeah. It looks pretty boring now 'cause it's dark, but in daylight you can _really_ see how boring it is."

"Ah. So why's it called "the Lost City" when you and the townspeople all seem to know about it?"

"Oh, well you see, the city is actually a mobile thing. It picks itself up and wanders about at will, looking for the hole in the ground it originally came from."

"… You have no idea do you?"

"No. Not really."

Meleezon, Divo and Masti X left the Lost City behind and entered the Valley of the Snakes. Promptly, they reached the middle of the Valley of the Snakes… which took all of 3 or 4 steps since the Valley of the Snakes is about as big as your brothers bedroom – you know, the one you always wanted but your parents wouldn't let you have until your sibling grew old enough to move out of home and go to university (or the nearest supermarket).

A great temple entrance with scary looking snake statues stuck out of the sand in front of them.

"What? No welcome mat?" scoffed Meleezon. "Anyone would think they didn't _like_ visitors."

"You're a sarcastic b-tch, aren't you," stated Masti X.

"Yeah, and you're ugly. At least I can stop being sarcastic if I want too."

---Fast Forward---

"My nose! My freakin' nose! Oh god, It's bleeding everywhere! Divo, punch her for me! Defend your master!"

---Fast Forward – Two Bloody Noses Later---

"So, are we ready to enter the temple yet?"

"Yeah. I think we've stopped the bleeding… "

Meleezon and co. descended into the Viper Temple's murky depths. They had barely made it four feet inside, when a loud hiss offended their ears.

"Are you the mousssse delivery people?" asked a Viper, coming out of the shadows. Masti raised her bow and prepared to fire, but Meleezon quickly pushed her hand down.

"Um… yes! Yes we are. We got a whole box of juicy, succulent mice, just ready for you to devour." She paused and licked her lips. "Mmmmm… you should see them. Plump, furry, practically begging to be swallowed whole."

The Viper began to salivate and got a sudden far off look in his eyes.

"Mmmm… moussessss… you come see Fangskin quickly ssso he can sssign for them."

Meleezon winked at the surprised Masti and made the gesture to "shut up and trust me". The Viper slithered off down the corridor, and the women followed close behind.

---Fast Forward – Level 2---

"Masssster Fangskin. The moussse delivery is here. You pleasssee sssign so we can ssstart eating plump, sssucculent moussssess?

Meleezon, Divo and Masti had followed the serpent down to the second level, where they now observed the strange ritual that had been used to steal the sun.

Fangskin, the leader, was a large purple snake ("Hehe… he's ssssexually confused," snickered Meleezon on arrival) who was circling an altar in the middle of the room. About twenty other vipers surrounded him, all bowing and mumbled replies as he chanted an odd curse:

"Oh Gods of the Slippery, grant unto us; take the sun from the humans and cause a big fuss.

("Make them slip on the street and land in dog poo," replied the other serpents)

"Oh Gods of the Scaly, hear our cry to your lairs; make it all dark, so they fall over chairs."

("May they stub their toes and howl in pain.")

"Oh Gods of the Slither, we bow to your glory; may this rhyming end soon and we continue the story"

("We can't rhyme as well as the Master. We're just back-ups")

"Oh Gods of the Fanged, please hear our hiss; please tell me why it does hurt when I p-"

"Master Fangskin!" shouted the sentry Viper over the sound of the chanting, "I'm very ssorry to interrupt you curssse… but can you pleasse sssign for the mousses? We're all very hungry."

Fangskin stopped his chanting and slithered over from the altar.

"Oh! Mousses! Please, give me the sssheet. I sssign for them now."

Meleezon crossed her arms and looked grim.

"Sorry, it was a trick. We just needed a way to get down here and kill you so we can have our sun back."

Fangskin looked sideways, not quite understanding what Meleezon meant.

"So… no mousses then?"

"No… no 'mouses'. We're going to have to kill you now, so how about being a good snake and just –"

"Are you sure? No mousssess? Perhaps you're just hiding them? Perhaps you want more goldsss? I have more goldsss if you-"

"LOOK! For the last time we have NO MOUSES!"

The room suddenly went deathly quiet, as all the vipers stopped chanting. One poked its head up and looked inquisitively in Meleezons direction.

"Mouse?" it said.

The serpent beside him also sat up:

"Mouse?"

"Mouse! MOUSE! Mine!"

Suddenly the room was alive with cries of "mouse" and "mine!" as every viper scrambled to be the first to stuff his gob with the succulent invisible rodents. Masti raised her bow and began firing wildly into them;

"Great job Ms. I'm-so-clever-I-can-avoid-fighting. Now we have to face them all at once!"

But to her surprise she realized the snakes weren't after them, they were attacking each other. The dreaded thought of there not being enough mice to go around was driving them to 'eliminate the competition'.

"Well I'll be a Yeti's uncle…" said Divo when all that remained of the snake hoard was a pile of empty skins and a lot of blood. Only Fangskin and the sentry were left. The great purple snake gave a menacing hiss;

"You ruin my ritual! Not only that, you not bring mousssess! Prepare to feel the twin fanged bite of –"

"Wait, there's one behind you!"

"Mouse? Where?"

-Chop-

"Master Fangskin! Noooooooo-"

-Flit-

"Good shot, Masti" admired Meleezon, as the sentry fell to the ground with an arrow placed perfectly between his eyes. "Now we just have to get the sun back."

Meleezon walked up to the altar and began to examine it.

"Should we break it or something?" Divo asked.

"I don't know. I don't think we can," Meleezon replied, resting her hand on the altars top. "I mean, look at the size of this thing, it'd take –"

-KAFLOOM!-

Meleezon disappeared in a cloud of dust as the altar disintegrated under her weight. Coughing, she emerged and began to clean herself off.

"Well… guess they don't make evil alters like they used to," she mused.

"Hey check this out!" Masti bent down and picked up an amulet from the altars remains. "Wonder what this does?"

"Weird looking amulet… looks like a big snake tooth."

"Yeah it does… look the root is still attached and everyth-EWW!" she screamed, throwing her prize over to Meleezon. "That's foul! You take it; I can't wear that around my neck!"

Meleezon turned it over in her hands.

"Well, I don't have any real use for it, but I'll keep it anyway." She placed it in her backpack. "So did it work? Is the sun back?"

"I don't know. We're underground."

"Hey Divo, go stand under that hole in the roof and see if you can see anything."

Divo obeyed.

"Nope… looks like the suns still hidden… wait… wait… I think I see movement and some light... I think it might AARGHHH OH GOD! I'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE!"

She stumbled out of the beam of light and began to wave her hands around in front of her. Meleezon rolled her eyes.

"Great, a blind companion. Just what I need. Let's go back to town; maybe Fara can help you out"

---Fast Forward – Back in Town---

"Hmmmm… severe case of irritation… dilation… oh fungus, not good either" mumbled Fara as she examined Divo.

"Eerr… that's nice Doc, but could you perhaps get your head out from under her skirt and check her eyes?"

"Oh… why, yes… sorry." Fara said. "Right. So Divo, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"11"

"Hmm… yes ok. Can you follow my finger with your eyes?"

She waved her finger back and forth past Divo's eyes, and Divo followed… perfectly out of synch.

"Hmm… yes, I see... er, no joke intended. I wouldn't worry about your friend here," said Fara, turning to Meleezon. "Her sight should improve in two to three days."

"What? Oh great. What use will she be to me now? What is she allowed to do?"

"Eat, sleep and rest."

"What can't she do?"

"Definitely, definitely do not let her near any type of projectile weaponry"

"F-!"

---Fast Forward – 1 Day Later--

"Ok Divo, I understand this is your first time using melee weaponry, but how could you have already lost that mace I gave you?"

"I haven't lost it; I'm using it right now!"

"… That's a dead cat"

"Oh… I wondered why my mace meowed when I picked it up."

"You mean it was alive when you found it? What happened?"

"Well… someone snuck up behind me and I thought they were going to rob me. So I turned around and began to beat him. Turns out it was Warriv though, playing that "put your hands over someone's eyes and say 'Guess who?'" gag."

"I see. Is he ok?"

"No, he died."

"What? You killed him with a cat?"

"Well, I thought it was my mace that killed him, but now I know it was a cat, I understand Fara's comment of 'Warriv always said his allergies would be the death of him'."

"Ah. I'm glad I don't have hay fever. Well here's another mace. Let's go find Masti and see if she wants to go questing again."

"…… Meleezon wait! My foots stuck in something wet and sticky… did Atma leave her mop bucket out again?"

"Divo, you're in the toilet."

---Fast Forward---

"Hey, girls. How you doing Divo?" asked Masti X, watching Meleezon lead the Rogue by the hand.

"Oh, I've been better. And I have a new goal in life: kill all those who forget to flush!"

"Ummm… ok… would that have anything to do with that horrific smell coming from your sho-"

"Don't ask," interrupted Meleezon. "Anyway, we're going to go and look for a new quest, would you like to join us?"

"No can do. Jerhyn has requested to speak with me. Apparently saving the sun was enough to get me invited into his Harem. I'm to go over and join his month long slumber party right now!"

"Hey… we saved the sun too! How come we weren't acknowledged?"

"I'm sure it has nothing to do with the size of you ass."

"What?"

"I said: I'm sure Jerhyn has just been on the grass. He probably forgot to invite you. Let's go together."

"Alright! Sleep over at the Palace wwoooooo!"

**Next Blog: Don't forget to bring your favorite teddy bear Pajamas!**


	12. Blog 12 – Radio Radness in the Palace

Blog 12 – Radio Radness in the Palace Cellar

"Ladies, ladies! How lovely it is to see you again… what happened to her?" Jerhyn asked, staring at the bandage around Divos eyes.

"She saw the light, and apparently it's not as good for you as once thought," Meleezon told him.

"Oh. I see. That's a shame. But isn't it wonderful to have the sun back? And we have Masti X here to thank for it."

"What? Masti, you didn't perhaps tell him you returned the sun all by yourself did you?"

"… No… not in those exact words anyway."

"Remind me to blind fold you and lead you through Atma's bathroom one day," Divo said angrily.

"Now, now girls, there's enough of me... er… the palace to go around. If you say it was all three of you that returned the sun, I'm not going to argue. You're all welcome to my slumber party. Please bring your own pillows and toothbrush. The Harem girls should be on the first and second floor I think."

"Oh goody!" squealed Divo in excitement, "We can stay up all night and talk about how spunky Barbarians and Paladins are, and read our favourite magazines, and eat ice cream…"

---Fast Forward – Harem Level 1---

"… and put on each others make up, and do each others hair and-"

"Eeerr… Divo, some how I don't think we'll be doing any of that."

"What? Why?"

"Cause it appears the Harem girls are all 'partied out'."

Meleezon, Divo and Masti had descended the stairs of the palace, and now stared at (except Divo, who was still in her own blind little world) a grisly sight.

Meleezon looked at the dead guards, the slaughtered harem girls, the entrails spelling "Hire a Real Decorator" on the carpet.

"Um… perhaps we should go back and see Jerhyn."

---Fast Forward – One Trip Outside and Returning with Jerhyn---

"Hmm… I see what you mean. You know, I did wonder why all the laughing and girl talk had died down. And those guards: I sent them down to see if the girls were alright and they never came back. I just assumed they got 'caught up in the festivities'."

"Jerhyn, when was the last time you entered your palace?"

"Friday, about 11 pm…. 2 weeks ago."

"Don't you ever need to sleep?"

"Oh no, I'm the Sultan! Sultans don't sleep. It affects our sanity," he said, before giggling, slapping his forehead and mumbling something about 'birds nesting in his turban'.

"Eeerr… right. So do you want us to find out what happened?"

"Sure, if you'd like. If you find any survivors, please send them back to me for comforting."

"You mean the Harem girls?"

"Or the guards. I don't really mind. See you later!" He skipped back up the stairs and disappeared.

"Well… it's good to see the countries in capable hands," said Meleezon. (Insert random George Bush criticism/joke here)

---Fast Forward – Harem Level 2---

"Geez, this place is a mess!"

"Yeah, every single one of those poor girls has been gutted and dismembered."

"I wasn't talking about that, Masti. I meant the décor. Look at those huge, luxurious curtains, the giant fluffy pillows, all topped off with tassels! Tassels upon tassels! Who ever wrote that message was right; Jerhyn should really hire a professional decorator."

The three women tip toed their way through the carnage… or rather, two tip toed while the third complained about how slippery intestines were. Upon reaching the stairs, Meleezon spotted a sign.

"Basement. 3 Levels. Contains:

Wine, Cold Meats, Grain, Prophylactics, and Inter-Dimensional Portal to the Beyond.

Message from Jerhyn:

"Leave my wine alone or I'll kill you."

"Well, I think we just found a clue as to what happened here," said Meleezon sarcastically.

"Yeah. One of the girls touched Jerhyn's wine and he got carried away and killed them all. Should we go make a citizens arrest?"

"Later. I want to check out this inter-dimensional portal. Sounds funky."

"Aww do we have too?" whined Divo. "That's three levels! Three! I'm blind; I don't fancy tagging behind you through three boring levels of a big boring cellar."

"Don't worry. I have a plan."

---Fast Forward - 2 hours later---

"… and that's my idea. What do you think?"

"… You know, you really could have simplified that whole thing down to 'split up and go down different stairwells, run as fast as we can until we find the portal.' We really didn't need the diagrams and PowerPoint presentation."

"Ok, maybe I got abit carried away. But I still think it'll work. Divo and I will go down this stairwell, you go down the one on the other side of the room. We'll use the Slick, Quick Hero Communication Channel to stay in contact.

"Alright then, see you down there."

---Fast Forward – Basement Level 1---

-KSHIK-

"Come in Masti. I think Jerhyn mightn't have been to blame after all. Me and Divo just ran into these really nasty four-armed dudes. They would have given me some trouble too, if Divo hadn't run into a pylon and activated a spike trap right beneath them. Talk about luck. How you doin'?"

-KSSSHHHH…IK-

"Can't talk right now, there're some rather unfriendly ape critters on this side, and they're not after banana's."

"Roger. I'll head down to the next level then."

"Hey wait, why don't you come hel-"

-CLICK-

---Fast Forward – Level 2---

-CLICK KSSHHHHIK-

"Yo Masti, how you going?"

-KSSSHHHHHHHH-

"Masti?"

-KSSSSSHHHHHHHH….IK-

"Here. Managed to get away by the skin of my teeth. No thanks to you."

"Hey, you're tough. I knew you'd make it."

"Gee, thanks. How things going?"

("Meleezon, help! I can't hold it off forever!")

"Nothing much. Divo is engaged in a life or death battle with a torch stand. Hang a sec…"

("Divo, it's a torch stand, give up already!")

("AAAHH! It's fallen on me! It's going to start mauling me! Help! I don't want to die again!")

-KSHIK-

"Sorry, I'll have to go. Have to rescue Divo from the Torch Stand of Doom. See you on level 3."

"No probs. If you need any help I'll gladly come and-"

-CLICK-

---Fast Forward – Level 3---

-CLICK KSSSHHHIK-

"Meleezonian Warrior to Masti Batio-"

-KSHIK-

"Don't even THINK about finishing that sentence."

"Heh, knew that'd make you respond quick. Where abouts are you?"

"Level 3."

"Well duh. Where abouts?"

"I'm very close to you… watching you."

"Are you behind me?"

"No, I'm in front of you."

-CLICK-

"AAHH! Geezus… don't do that. Are you _trying_ to give me a heart attack?"

"Heh, think of it as a get back for that sentence you thought about finishing."

Meleezon, Masti and a triumphant Divo ("She really showed that torch stand who was boss," whispered Meleezon) stood on level 3 and gazed round them.

"Well, we're here. Now what?"

"Not sure exactly. Perhaps we should try that door there; the one leading into the giant room in the center of the floor."

They walked over and opened the door. A wave of repulsive smelling air and static hit them, and a deep voice boomed in their ears:

"Greetings Mortals. I am FireEye, guardian of the Arcane Portal. I am the servant to my master, The Summoner, whose will opposes all. He is the Alpha, the Omega and the Beta-tester, and has bestowed upon me powers greater –"

("Is this guy going to shut up?")

("I'm not sure… should we kill him?")

("I got a better idea.")

"- then you could ever imagine. I have bested heroes of infinite might, and been hailed a Champion of the Demonic Forces. If you wish to pass through, know that you shall have to face me in lethal combat, from whence – hey! Wait! Don't run past! I haven't finished my speech yet! We're _supposed_ to engage in lethal combat! Get back here right now. Don't you dare activate that portal… I'm warning you… hey, don't even think about stepping through it into the Arcane Sanctuary… and definitely don't flip me off as you go throu – oh! That is it! Now I'm pissed. I'm gonna…hmmm. They've gone. Well… that sucks."

"… … … Sigh. I need a new job."

**Next Blog: In space, no one can hear you laugh manically**


	13. Blog 13 – Laughter in Limbo

Blog 13 – Laughter in Limbo 

"Dude, what is this place?" Meleezon gasped.

The Arcane Sanctuary was an endless twisting labyrinth of stairways and cul-de-sacs. All around them was dark, empty space, dotted with tiny sparkling fragments that resembled stars, yet obviously weren't as they could be touched.

"It's making me feel a tad dizzy," said Masti, trying to follow a pathway that curled over their heads, upside down, then spiraled into a beautiful helix.

"What? I can't see anything," Divo began to take a few steps and was saved by Meleezon seconds before falling off the pathway.

"I'll try to explain Divo: we're in a parallel dimension, another world that exists in the same space at the same time as our world, but we cannot access it without the use of that portal we just walked through. It appears to be the creation of a twisted mind, with hundreds of spiraling staircases and endless space all around us. It's rather pretty."

"Ooohh! I so want to see that! Being in another dimension is all I've ever dreamed of!"

"… For real?"

"Yup"

"And now you're here, you're blind."

"……Yup."

"Sucks to be you."

-sigh- "Yup."

"So what do you reckon we should do Masti X? Split up and explore a different path each? Or stick together in case we find anything big and nasty?"

"Well, I'd actually prefer to stick toge –"

"Separate paths it is! We'll stay in contact."

("B-itch.")

---Fast Forward---

-KSHIK-

"Meleezon! I just found the prettiest thing! It's a pylon with a glowing orb atop of it! Ooohhh, it's so beautiful! And it glows brighter as I get nearer. And hums!"

"Why don't you try touching it? That'd make it really excited."

"Yeah, I might just try that… oohh it's cold, and tingly and – "

-ZORTCH KSSSSHHHHHHH-

"Heh heh heh…"

---Fast Forward---

-CLICK KSHIK-

"Hey! I'm back online! Thought I might have fried the chip there. You still alive, Meleezon?"

"Yeah I'm here."

"(Damn) I mean, good! Good to hear it. Found anything of interest?"

"So far? Yeah: two dead ends, a butt load of Vampires and a couple of rather randy Goatmen. What exactly are we supposed to be looking for?"

"…… that's a good question. FireEye did mention the name "Summoner". Perhaps he made this place and lives here?"

"Doubtful. But I bet there's someone here alright. Keep looking, I'll give you a yell if I find anything."

"Rightio… hey whoa. I just found this weird piece of ground with little holes all over it. Should I walk over it or go around?"

"Over of course. What are you, chicken?"

"Chicken? Who're you calling chicken? I'll walk over whatever I wan –"

-KACHING KSSSSHHHHHH-

"Heh heh heh…"

---Fast Forward---

-KSHIK-

"Masti come in. Masti you there?"

"…ote to self: do not take advice from Meleezon anymore… oh hey Meleezon. Is this thing working? Great. I'm fine, thanks for asking, the trap missed my foot by about a millimeter. I'm at another dead end. I don't think there's many more places to go, so maybe –"

"Masti, shut up. We have abit of a problem here."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, listen:"

("…wahahahahahahahahaha..")

("Shut up! SHUT UP! I'm blind not deaf! You're driving me INSANE! AAHHH!")

("…Bwahahahahahahah WHAahahahahahahaha…")

"Can you come here quick?"

"On my way. Try to stop him laughing before I get there: tell him Bush got re-elected."

"Good idea. See you soon."

-CLICK-

---Fast Forward---

"Bwhwhahahahahaha… WHAHAHAhahahahaha"

"Goddam, how long has he been doing that?"

"Ever since we found him. Hasn't done much else BUT laugh. A random fire ball or ice projectile here or there. I thought about running up and chopping him but a dude that powerful would probably be pretty tough."

"Ok, I'll just try shooting him with an arrow and see what happens…"

-TWANG-

"…WHahahahBWahhahah… ARRGGHHHHHHHH….!"

"…… you got him. I don't believe it. What a WUSS!"

"Tell me about it."

Meleezon and Masti climbed the stairs to the Summoners resting place. Divo, holding onto Meleezons belt, let out a sigh of relief.

"That guy was nuts! Thank god you killed him."

Masti walked over and kicked the pile of robes that was once the laughing maniac.

"Yeah. Terrible dress sense too. Blue and gold? Please; was he a Demon Summoner or a Queer Attractor?"

"What's this book he was guarding?" Meleezon went over and flipped through the pages; "Summoning Demons for Dummies… Recipe for Happy Potion… How to Dress to Impress (he didn't read that chapter obviously)… hmm. 'The Capture of Baal and Imprisonment of Tal Rasha'. Ah, what the heck, I'm always up for a good love story."

The three women read the tale together (as in; one read it, one read it out loud, and one listened and chimed in at all the unrealistic scenes).

"So, all the symbols floating around us on this platform are the false symbols of the false tomb?"

"No, they're all real symbols that mark the tombs that aren't the real ones."

"You mean 'real symbols, each one marking a different false tomb within the Canyon of the Magi'?"

"… Yes. That's it. I think…"

"Alright then."

Meleezon slammed the book shut, and in response, a red glowing portal appeared in the center of the platform. A small flashing neon sign popped up above it:  
"To the Secret Canyon of the Magi. No Vacancies, Please Try Again Later."

"I don't really plan on staying the night in one of the tombs anyway," mused Meleezon.

They stepped through the portal together, and suddenly appeared out in the sunlight again.

"Ow, that's bright," said Divo, shading her bandaged eyes.

"Divo? You can see that?"

"… … yeah! Yeah I can!" she whipped off the bandage and looked around, "Alright I'm cured! I can see!... Wait! The Arcane Santuary! I have to see it before the portal closes and -"

A crackle of static signaled the red portal had closed behind them. Divo fell into the sand and howled.

"Nnnnoooooooo! My dream! My life's goal! I missed it!"

"Don't worry, maybe we can go back through the Palace Cellar and ask FireEye kindly to let us past again…"

"On second thoughts; other dimensions are totally over rated."

Meleezon scanned the Canyon surrounding them. Square, flat, and full of nasty beasties. The cliffs held no less then seven tombs, all marked differently. She suddenly realised they'd forgotten to record the symbols.

"Crap."

"Hmmm?"

Meleezon reached into her backpack and pulled out a town portal.

"Sorry Masti, but I think our time together has come to an end."

"You're going to leave me here? Alone? To face one of the three most powerful Lords of Hell, Baal, all by myself? Totally alone?"

"Yeah. Is that a problem?"

"Not really. We've separated basically every time we explored an area anyway."

"Then it's settled. Thank you for your help, may our Gods shine upon you."

"And on your glorious ass."

"What?"

"I said; I need some of Jerhyns grass."

"Oh… well… farewell then."

Meleezon cast the portal and disappeared through it, back to town and a nice, cold, free beer.

**Next Blog: Step outside the Gates of Town? No…I don't believe I've tried that yet…**


	14. Blog 14 – The Big Scary at the Gates

Blog 14 – The "Big Scary" at the Gates of Lut Gholein

"Morning stranger," Atma beamed as Meleezon entered the pub. "Have a nice rest after our big adventure through the palace and other dimensions?"

"No actually. Some insane howling kept me up all night."

"Oh that was just Geglash," Atma said, pointing to a fat ex-mercenary sitting in the corner. "He has a few to many to drink and thinks it's funny to run around like a loon and pretend he's a Werewolf. We're planning to have him neutered."

"I see. Well, today's the big day!"

"Which day is that?"

"The day we step foot outside the Lut Gholein Gates!" chimed in Divo who had just arrived.

Atma stared in silence.

"… You've been through the Lost City, traversed an inter-dimensional labyrinth, and discovered the legendary Canyon of the Magi… and you still haven't actually stepped outside these walls?"

"Nope."

"Well, then you wouldn't know anything about the hideous beast that lurks outside. It's been there for weeks, making it impossible for us to go out or receive any goods."

"Hideous Beast? I like the sounds of that. I must go and face it to further prove my worth!" Meleezon spun Bladebone expertly in her fingers and winked at Divo. "Let's go show this critter who ownz the desert."

"I'm not kidding you know!" called out Atma as they were leaving, "It's foul! Gruesome! Completely unhouse trained! Don't come crying back to me if you step in… ah to hell with them. I'm too old for this $hit."

---Fast Forward---

Meleezon was just nearing the gates when a large, gruff man stopped her.

"Hey, you look like a woman. You couldn't possibly be thinking of going out in the desert by yourself. There're monsters out there you know. Here, let me sell you a man mercenary. He'll keep you safe so you don't break any nails."

Meleezon and Divo stared opened mouthed.

"… Excuse me? Are you insinuating women can't fight?"

"No, I'm not… in-sin-u-wading… I'm telling you. But I can't expect you to understand that, you're blonde after all."

-WHACK! RRRRIPP!-

"Oh… oh my god! Is that... is that my spleen? OH MY GOD IT IS! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE! My spleen! My freakin' spleen… I feel… faint..."

The gruff man fell on his face, Meleezon presumed him either dead or dieing. Noticing that he was right next to a trap door leading to the sewers, she quickly opened it and – glancing around to make sure no one else was watching – stuffed him down.

"Damn sewer rats. I swear they just keep on getting bigger. Now they're dragging innocent victims to their deaths!" Meleezon chuckled to herself.

---Fast Forward---

The great arched gateway of Lut Gholien marked the exit of town and gave a lovely view of the vast nothingness outside its walls. As Meleezon and Divo arrived, they noticed a hero standing just inside the towns border, chin in hand, deep in thought.

Meleezon walked up quietly and tapped her on the shoulder.

"AH!" screamed the Sorceress in surprise, and Meleezon felt a surge of electricity flow up her arm and course through her body.

"God….dammit! What the hell was that?... I feel like you've singed half the hairs on my body! Oh wait, I'm about to lose half my lunch…" Meleezon put her hand over her mouth to try and avoid any projectile vomit.

"Oh, I am SO sorry! You just startled me. I know you'll only be feeling half as well as you usually do; that's what my static attack does. Halves my enemies lives every time I cast it."

"Ah, that's ok," Meleezon said, swallowing. "I'll get over it. So, if you're attack halves your enemies life, wouldn't that mean you could never actually kill them?"

"Yeah, I can get them so close to death, but I can't kill them. That's why I've been standing here thinking; there's a really nasty beastie out there and no matter how hard I try I just can't kill it."

"What if you did your static thing until he was really badly hurt, then went up and beat him with your orb there?"

"This thing?" the Sorceress said, extending her hand to let Meleezon have a closer look at the little glass bulb on a wooden handle. "Yeah, right. How am I supposed to hurt it with this? I know; I'll give it the most shocking anal probe it's ever had."

"You're witty. I like you."

"I like me too. What's your name?"

"I am Meleezon! Also known as 'Sarcastic B-tch' and voted 'Most likely to knock out bystanders when running'."

"Yes, I can see that. Us Sorceresses aren't exactly blessed in that area, but we make up for it by not looking butch."

"… I'm not sure whether to laugh or deck you."

"Would you like to know what it's like to feel half of half as well as you usually do?"

"Ummm…no?… I don't think so anyway."

"Then let's forget I said anything."

"Alrighty then."

Meleezon and the Sorceress went quiet for a second.

"Ah... hi. My names Divo!" The Rogue extended her hand out for the Sorceress to shake.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Static Zapour."

"Whoa whoa whoa… your special attack thingy is static… and your name is 'Static Zapour'?"

"Ya-huh."

"… you know, I think one day we're all going to have to track down our parents and ask them what they were thinking. I mean honestly… Scary Dude, Frozen Spooky, Static Zapour… is it all just a strange coincidence or even… fate?"

"You'd rather be named 'Asdfgh1337'?"

"Good point."

The three women strode to the gate entrance and stared out across the sand.

"So. You and Atma both mentioned this 'hideous creature' lurking out here. Where is he exactly?"

"I'm not sure. He hides under the sand and waits for people stupid enough to wander out."

"You've been out a few times, haven't you?"

"Yes, and each time he's popped up and nearly eaten me on the spot. All I could do was run back here to safety. He doesn't come into the town; takes away the thrill of the hunt."

"Well then, let's see how the hunter likes to be hunted."

Meleezon hefted her axe and shield and began to creep out onto the sand.

"Divo, back me up. Tell me if you spot anything."

"Rightio."

Static followed close behind.

"Guys, I'm reeaalllyy not sure we should be doing this. This beast is hideous! Foul! And completely unhouse tra-"

"Yeah yeah we know."

---Fast Forward---

"Ok. Well that was fun. Two hours walking around in the blazing heat and not one sign of this 'hideous creature'. I think my backpack is giving me a rash…"

Static looked confused and slightly hot.

"I don't understand it. Whenever I came out before he was after me like a shot."

"Maybe he doesn't like you're perfume?"

"It's Cravin Brine's "Essence of Kurast". How could he not like it?"

Suddenly, the ground began to shake, and a small pile of sand started to rise up near Meleezons feet.

"AH! IT'S THE BEAST!" screamed Static, already beginning to run back to the gates. Meleezon took a few steps back but held her ground.

"Divo, get ready."

The two stood, weapons ready, as they watched the sand rise higher. Sharp horns pierced through, and slowly the sand flowed away to reveal…

"Squeak!"

"…. What… the hell… is that?"

A creature, no bigger then a large dog, crawled out from its hole in the sand and glared at the intruders. It was covered in scales and spines, and looked very, very ugly.

"Squeak," it said again… menacingly(?)

"Static, get your green skirted ass over here this instant."

The Sorceress cautiously obliged.

"Tell me: did you wait around to actually _see_ this hideous creature before running for your life?"

"Eeerr… not really... when the sand started rising I just assumed the worst."

"I see. Well, now that we _can_ see it, what's your opinion?"

"It's… it's kinda cute! In a hideously gross and scaly way."

"Squeak?"

"Shut up, we're not talking to you yet. So, Static; am I to understand something this big scares you enough to go fleeing for cover?"

"Well, not now that it's visible… but…"

"And you're after Diablo too, right?"

"Ya-huh."

Meleezon shook her head, but said no more.

"Right, time to deal with the 'big scary' at the gates." She raised her shield and began to walk forward, keeping her eyes steadily on the little beast. It began to back away, making soft cat-like growls.

"YAR!" Meleezon cried, lashing out with her axe.

-KABOING-

The creature disappeared. The three women looked around them, and saw nothing.

"… Ok… that was either the best magic trick I've ever seen, or we've all breathed abit to much hallucinogenic zombie gas lately."

Divo shaded her eyes and looked to her left, to her right, then up at the sky.

"HOLY CRA-"

-THUNK-

The beast landed heavily on top of Divo's head, flattening her to the ground. Meleezon immediately sprung into action.

"YARG!" she cried again, lunging into a full on spring attack complete with cartwheel.

-KABOING-

"Oh, dammit, not again."

Static and Meleezon watched the dark form sailing through the air.

"Careful, he's a really good aim," Static cautioned.

"Yeah... hmmm... gives me an idea." Meleezon raised her spiked shield above her head and grinned.

"……ssssqqqqeeeEEEEEAAAKK---ERK!"

Her legs almost buckled from the impact, but she braced herself, then shook the shield. A multiple punctured and rather gory body peeled itself off the spikes and fell into the sand.

"Well, so much for the 'hideous creature' outside the gates."

As if someone had just announced it during the 'big game' on a wide screen TV, a head popped out from around the gates archway.

"The beast is dead?"

Another soon followed.

"The heroes killed the hideous creature?"

Soon, half the town was out on the sands, giving praise and cheering.

"Oh, bless the heroes; we are free again!"

"Free to wander the sands! Free to come and go as we please!"

"I'm going to build a sand castle!"

"I'm going to push a hoop with a stick!"

"I'm going to explore this lovely, wondrous massive… huge… empty expanse of…" The townspeople suddenly went quiet.

"… It's really bright out here."

"And hot."

"I'm thirsty."

"Ow, my lips are cracking."

"Eh, I'm bored, let's all go back to the pub and get hammered where it's cooler."

The townspeople left, grumbling something about heroes not being like they used to, and why can't they do anything good these days.

"Hmph. Well that was short lived," Static sighed.

"Yeah. You'll get used to it. We've killed a Hell Lord and brought back the sun; we're not exactly being showered with chocolate and puppies." Meleezon sighed as well and hefted her weapon. "Oh well, let's go wander in the desert. There's got to be more then sand out there."

**Next Blog: Oh yeah? Well I'll Creep your Feature!**


	15. Blog 15 – Tomb Raiders & Wonderbras

Blog 15 – Tomb Raiders: Wonderbra Not Included

Whining loudly about how heroes "don't get no respect" these days, the threesome (don't get any ideas… it's a fun word though heh) started their push into the desert.

"So, what's this place called?"

"The Rocky Waste."

"How exciting. I can feel the thrill of adventure rising in my stomach… or maybe that's indigestion from Atma's Scarab Cakes. Please say there's something more interesting out here then sand, some fallen statues and large flocks of angry undead vultures."

"Hmmm… well I haven't explored it myself cause the creature always blocked my path. But I hear there's a tomb nearby. Maybe we should go grave robbing?"

"Ohh... hear that Divo? Our specialty!"

---Fast Forward---

The tombs entrance jutted out from the sand; dark and foreboding, like a hungry mouth waiting to devour you whole and spit out the bones and other unsavoury organs like your lower intestines where the most bacteria tends to dwell.

A sign hanging in the doorway read:

"Home of Creeping Feature. Currently Hiring – If you're a willing undead who's looking for decent wages and has the ability to kiss ass really well, please come in and apply for work as one of my many tomb keepers. If you're living, don't let that deter you. We'll soon fix that little problem."

Static looked at Meleezon and shrugged.

"Well, sounds like he's pretty well off… for an undead eternally living corpse anyway. Might be worth raiding after all."

"Agreed. Maybe we'll bump into old Creepy himself. I'm sure he'd love a chat with Bladebone here." Meleezon spun the axe in her hand, misjudged her catch and cringed as it landed a millimeter from slicing her toes off.

"Maybe you should hold onto tha-"

"Maybe you should shut the hell up."

---Fast Forward – Stony Tomb Level 1---

"It's so dark in here… I feel like I'm blind again!"

"Don't worry, I can fix that."

Static shook her orb abit and tapped the glass. A light within flickered for a second, then grew gradually brighter, illuminating the hall.

"Nifty."

Meleezon walked ahead, peering into sarcophaguses as she passed and listening for the rustle of undead feet.

"Creeping Feature really needs to hire a cleaner. Look at this dust!" Divo said, wiping her finger across a surface and making a trench mark. For fun she traced the words 'Wash Me', before running to catch up with her companions.

"It doesn't look like anyone's home. Maybe Creeping died… er… passed on to… wherever the undead go when they… aren't unliving anymore."

They were just entering a largish chamber, the stairs down in plain view, when suddenly all the torches in the room burst aflame at once. The women backed into defensive positions as a skeleton dressed in a full tuxedo came up the stairs.

"Oh! I say, visitors! This is a surprise, ay-what!" His accent was ridiculous and unfamiliar to the women. "Are you ladies here to apply for work, business or other?"

Meleezon thought for a second.

"Ummm… I'd have to go with 'other'."

The skeleton nodded understandingly.

"I see. Please follow me; the master is waiting."

---Fast Forward – Stony Tomb Level 2---

The companions had followed the oddly dressed, strange talking skeleton downstairs, and now stood in a very large room. At one end, sitting in a huge luxurious chair while reading "Antiquities Monthly", was Creeping Feature. A roaring fire was close by, as well as a number of minor undead who were busy making sandwiches and straightening picture frames. The usual servant stuff.

Creeping Feature looked up as they entered and peered at them curiously from behind his magazine.

"I say… who've you brought down today, Smithers, old chap?"

"Three ladies to see you for 'other', sir."

Creeping Feature lay down his magazine and smiled… as well as a decaying corpse with rampant tooth decay can.

"Wonderful! What a spot of good luck! It's not often we can get even one lady down here, so three is a beyond perfect!" He pushed himself out of the chair and hobbled towards them. "Let's have a look at you then."

Not wishing to start a battle just yet, Meleezon and Divo remained still when he strolled past. Static tried to hide behind the larger Amazon.

"Come come now, don't be shy!" Creeping Feature motioned for Static to move out where he could see her. She did so, slightly embarrassed.

"Aaahh. Yes, you will do nicely. All three of you will."

"Eerr… what do you mean 'do nicely'?"

"Why, you'll make perfect masseuses of course! Look at those muscles! You'll really be able to give the old flesh a good rubbing. I have a few nasty boils at the moment that could do with a hard squeezing too."

Divo made a gagging motion, and Static looked as if she was going to faint. Meleezon thought it was time to introduce him to a friend.

"Sorry Creeping, old chap, but we're not here to massage anyone. We're here to rob you of your riches. You know; plunder, pillage and all that. I'm not too keen on it myself, but my axe here, Bladebone, he's rreaallyy enjoys that stuff, you know? Just can't get enough. And he's not the kind of object I like to disappoint."

Creeping Feature seemed unafraid.

"Oh, so it's _that_ kind of 'other', is it? Well, I'd like to more thoroughly introduce you to Smithers here. Back in his time he was a top class Martial Artist, you know."

He motioned to the tuxedoed skeleton, who bowed politely, drew himself into an attack pose and proceeded to make strange 'ah ha! Oh haw' noises, while chopping imaginary people in the neck.

Meleezon was impressed.

"Nice. But that won't stop me from making your head closely acquainted with the floor, Creepy."

The old corpse crossed his arms and huffed;

"Women" he said, "Now I remember why I never let my wife out of the kitchen."

---Fast Forward – 2 Highly Violent and Rage Induced Minutes Later---

As the dust settled, Meleezon regained her composure and flicked some hair from her eyes. Static was merely staring.

"Wow… I wish I could get angry like that. I do think you went abit over board though. I mean, was it absolutely necessary to rip off his arm and bludgeon him with it? And I never actually knew it was possible to force feed someone their own kidneys."

Meleezon smiled.

"Well, let's just say I'm touchy about certain topics. You did nicely with Smithers there too."

"Yeah. Who would have guessed that all the material arts training in the world wouldn't help against a bolt of pure lightning?"

"Go figure ay."

They were suddenly realized they were surrounded by undead.

"Eeerr… sorry about killing your boss guys. No hard feelings right?"

"Absolutely none," a thin zombie replied. "He was an ass. Do you know he even made me collect his toe jam? And I think we've all had our fill of 'bath night'." The undead shared a shudder, and the thin zombie pulled some keys from a skin pocket.

"Here. That'll open Mr. Features stash over there. Take all you want, we're off to form a union."

The women watched as the walking dead shuffled up the stairs and left.

"Well, let's raid this place and head back to town. I could really go for some of Atma's 'Saber Cat Surprise' right now."

---Fast Forward – Back in the Town Center---

"4301, 4302, 4303… there, that's the lot. I'm really not sure how you're going to carry that much gold around, but it's no concern of mine."

Meleezon had just finished pawning off the findings of the Stony Tomb to Fara, and was busy dragging her wealth to the stash when a figure entered the town square.

"Oh god… -huff puff huff-... water! I need… water!"

Meleezon turned in surprise to see Cain, breathing heavily and looking as if he'd aged another 50 years ("He must be, like, 300 now?" Divo wondered later on).

"Cain! What're you doing? How did you get here? You didn't come with our caravan."

The old man leant against a wall and tried to regain his breathe.

"I know… was going to come… on the next caravan… but apparently… Warriv…died."

Divo choked on the Saber Cat Surprise soup she was eating and broke into a coughing fit. Cain looked at her suspiciously.

"What? What? Don't look at me! Technically it was the cat that killed him anyway!"

Meleezon filled a mug of water from the well and brought it over to the panting man.

"Here. Now tell me, why did you leave the Rogue Monastery? I mean, lots of ladies in skimpy outfits for you to leer at, all the prunes and roasted cabbage you could eat… it seemed like old man paradise!"

Cain drained the mug and wiped his mouth.

"I know. It was. But my Horadrim instincts kicked in and I knew you'd need my help. When the message came saying Warriv had died under strange circumstances and no one else was coming back, I decided I should start walking straight away."

"You _walke_d here?"

"Of course. Is that a surprise? You youngsters don't know the meaning of physical exertion these days. Why, back in my time we used to walk everywhere! It was 15 miles to the nearest store, and 12 to the nearest toilet. If you woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't hold it, that was damn well too bad; you stuff a cork in it, pack your bag and start walking-"

"Yes yes, alright. What was this help you were so eager to give me?"

Cain raised a finger and opened his mouth.

"It… hmmm… it was important… something to do with… … leprechauns? No, that's not it. Well I'll be blowed; I've forgotten!" he said, shaking his head. "Oh well, never mind. I wrote it all down in my diary."

He put his hand in his robe and began to rummage around.

"Hmm… hmmmmmm… I guess I forgot that too. Must be back at the Rogue Camp. Never fear, I'll just pack some food and water and head back there. I'll return in a day or two no prob-"

"Um, how about we just let you rest abit? Maybe you're memory will return?"

Cain thought for awhile.

"Yes, that sounds like a better plan. I think I'll have a nap right now."

"Ok, I'll take you to the Inn."

"Inn? Beds? Bah, who needs those new fandangle things? Why, back in my day, we slept on rocks and anything softer then gravel was luxury. We learned to sleep anytime, anywhere with minimal-"

His head suddenly drooped forward and he toppled face first onto the cobblestones. Loud snores told Meleezon he wouldn't be waking for at least 8 blissful hours.

"C'mon Divo, we'll come back later on when Mr. Geriatric is 'rested and revitalized'.

**Next Blog: Horadric Cube - The Rubik Cubes Evil Twin**


	16. Blog 16 – Cubes Are For Squares

Blog 16 – Cubes Are For Squares

"Eureka!"

The cry echoed through the streets of Lut Gholein. Meleezon stopped her chat with Fara at the bar and looked in surprise at the doorway. Seconds later, a very excited – and very naked – Cain burst in.

"Eureka, I remembered! It's been 3 days, but I've remembered!"

Meleezon shared a cringe with all the pubs customers, and quickly grabbed a towel from behind the bar to cover Cains shame.

"Cain what are you doing?" she said, tying it around his waist. "You'll get sunburned in places that should never be sunburned! Even if that does mean you'll have an even tan."

Cain was too excited to pay attention.

"I remembered, I remembered!"

"Ok ok! Tell me then."

"See, I was just taking a bath in the well when it all came bac-"

"Wait what? You were taking a bath in the well? Our well? The well the whole town drinks out of?"

"Yes, that well. Where else am I going to wash? Anyway stop interrupting or I'll forget again. I was having a bath, and it suddenly came back to me that this was Lut Gholein! As in _the_ Lut Gholein. Me and my Horadrim buddies fought and caught Baal just outside these walls…"

"Atma, did you use today's water to make our drinks?"

Atma, behind the bar, was already beginning to back out her escape door. The bar customers exchanged glances at each other, then at their drinks, then at Cain. Three seconds later, all that could be heard was the thunderous footfalls of people stampeding for the nearest windows and toilets.

"…and we buried him under the sand." Cain continued. "Then, just to be sure he'd never, ever get loose, we made one of our staves the key to the tomb, broke it into two pieces, and drew straws. The two Horadrim members who got the straws were given the honourable task of a holding a piece each, being blinded folded, spun around three times and sent off into the desert. Were not really sure where they ended up, but at least the staff pieces would be far apart from each other."

Meleezon was still in a state of shock, trying to push the mental image of little naked Cains swimming in her beer out of her mind. She shook her head and tried to remain calm.

"Ok… alright. So if we wanna get to Baal, we'll have to get those two pieces of staff – which could be absolutely anywhere in the entire desert – so we can open the lock. Am I following?"

"Yes yes, that's right! But it won't be that easy. You see, us Horadrim used 'the super infallible method of separation' to break the staff in two. Which basically means we hit it really hard with a very big hammer. It'll take a lot more then sticky tape and staples to put it back together."

"Aaawww! I _like_ sticky tape and staples," whined Divo as she entered through the tavern door. "Why can't we use them? Why? Why? …. What're we talking about?"

Meleezon ignored her.

"Ok... so what do we need?"

Static Zapour also suddenly appeared at the door.

"Hi guys, just came to see if you's…" She stopped upon sight of Cains bare behind. Saying nothing, she simply turned and walked away.

"You're going to need another special tool of us Horadrim. It's called 'The Horadric Cube'. Neat huh?"

"What does it do?"

"You put stuff in it, press the button on the side and it'll combine them together! Or it'll do weird stuff. Like turn amulets into rings… don't ask me why. We were trying to make a bigger one that divides things, so we could put in our 40 year old wives and get two 20 year olds… but sadly we never worked it out."

"Hmmm… alrighty then. So where did you hide that?"

Cain pointed a finger and opened his mouth.

"That… is a really good question. I seem to remember… waffles. But that's as far as it goes. Maybe you should just go for a wander in the desert. See what you can find?"

"Greeeaatttt. Divo; go find Static. She'll probably be wandering around in a state of shock somewhere. We're going back into the desert."

---Fast Forward – Somewhere Out in the Desert---

"Gimme that map, you can't read for $hit."

"I can too! I just get mixed up with all the squiggly lines. Are they mountains or rivers?"

"Divo… IT'S A DESERT!"

"So…mountains then?"

"Give me the f-&ing map!"

Meleezon ripped it from Divo's hands and began to study the drawings on its surface.

"So… where are we exactly?" asked Static, somewhat nervous.

Meleezon looked at the map, turned it upside down, squinted, turned it around again.

"Um… I don't know. Maybe guys are right. We really _can't_ read maps."

"Yeah, but at least _we_ can ask for directions cause we have no macho-ness to protect."

"Yeah, let's ask someone now."

The women looked around at the desert surrounding them. Sand. A cricket chirping. Wind blowing.

"Hmmm. Maybe… Divo, spin around really fast."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it."

Divo made a face, but obliged. Static and Meleezon watched as she began to twirl in circles fast and faster.

"Stop!" cried Meleezon. Divo tried to obey, but instead tripped on her feet and landed in the sand facing west.

"West it is! Amusement and directional choice all in one, I'm a genius."

---Fast Forward – Somewhere in the Desert---

"Divo, can I see that map again?"

"I don't have it. I kicked that stupid thing into the creek. We're lost! LOST! Haha!... HAHAHA!... WHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

-THUNK-

"Great job Meleezon. Now we'll be waiting hours for her to wake up."

"Sorry. Couldn't help myself. I was afraid she was going to come up really close to the screen and we'd see nothing but nostrils and really big boogers."

"…what… the hell?"

"Nothing. C'mon, we'll drag her for awhile."

---Fast Forward – Still Somewhere in the Desert---

"Well look at that. Another tomb."

It was nearing night time, and the three women were exhausted and thirsty (one was also nursing a bump on her head. She didn't believe Meleezons excuse of "really big mosquitoes out here" for one second).

"It looks just like Creeping Features place. Could we have gone in circles?"

"I doubt it, but right now I'm so tired I couldn't care. Hey look, this one has a sign too."

Meleezon went over and read it aloud.

"Halls of the Dead and the Almost-Dead-But-Not-Quite. Home too many secrets and treasures that we're not going to tell you about, like the Horadric Cube. I mean _not_ the Horadric Cube. We don't have one. We sold it in a garage sale. Dammit, why isn't this paint water soluble?..."

"Well I'll be a fartwangers toenail," said Divo in surprise. "We found what we were looking for and didn't even mean too!"

"Yeah. Pretty amazing." agreed Static. "Wait… what on earth is a fartwanger?"

"What do you mean by 'what on _earth_?' Where the hell is that?"

"Nevermind all that, I say we go on in there, grab the cube and town portal back to town in time for tea," Meleezon said, slightly irritated.

"Sounds like a plan."

The three women descended the stairs into the Halls of the Semi-Sort-of-Kinda Dead.

--Fast Forward – Halls Level 1---

"The sign wasn't lying," Meleezon yelled over the sound of breaking bones. "There's undead everywhere! And look; that guy looks like Radament… minus the tail and stylish hairdo."

"Yeah, and he's raising the skeletons back to life," Static yelled back. "Terrific. Divo, can't you hit him?"

"I'm trying… if I could just get close enough…"

"Your using a bow, you don't _need_ to be close. Plus he might breathe that hallucinogenic gas on you again."

"Yeah… I know."

"… Oh that's just sick. Divo we need to get you some help for that drug habit."

---Fast Forward – Halls Level 2---

"Bloody hell. How many people were buried in this place? I think old Bladebone's been all boned out." Meleezon swatted them aside, becoming adept at hitting vital places like vertebrae and kneecaps.

"I hate shooting these damn skeletons. My arrows go straight through their ribs."

"Yes, we noticed. And next time you shoot at one and I'm behind it, I'm gonna give you a shocking you'll never forget."

"Hah, you couldn't zap a blowfly."

-Sparks. Lightning flashing-

"AAHHHH! Meleezon! Help! She's after me!"

---Fast Forward – Quick Run to Halls Level 3---

"Alright Static, calm down. She was just kidding, weren't you Divo?"

"Yeah, yeah, I was just kidding. Please don't electrocute me."

"Alright fine. Say… where _are_ we?"

"I think we're on level 3. Judging from past experiences, I'd say this is the last level. The Horadric Cube must be somewhere around here…"

The women began to spread out and explore rooms and corridors.

"Nothing over here…"

"Nothing here either."

"Ummm… I think I found something-er-one"

Meleezon backed out of the doorway with her shield raised high. Spears, bottles and whip cracks filled the air.

"Intruders! Defend me – I mean – defend the treasure… that we don't have!" a voice yelled, followed by a softer; "(Dammit, me and my big mouth.)"

Saber Cats began to pour out of the doorway, scratching and hissing. Fur flew, spears speared, bottles exploded into hideous smelling clouds of gas. It was bedlam in the Halls.

"Don't worry Meleezon, I'll help you!" Static closed her eyes and focused, and suddenly the room was crackling with electricity. Meleezon felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end, and she turned back to the Saber Cats…

-POOF-

The cats looked as if they'd been put through the tumble drier on high. Gigantic balls of fluff, as every hair on their bodies stuck straight out.

"ROWR!" they screamed in unison, and immediately dropped on all fours to try and preen themselves neat again.

"Niiicceee," Meleezon grinned. "You really are more useful then a doorstop, Static."

Static grinned sarcastically and nodded at the doorway.

"Yeah, right, just hurry up and get the cube. I can't do this forever."

Meleezon and Divo ran past the confuddled kitties and into the room from whence the strange voice had come. Inside, sitting on a large chest while glaring at the interlopers with hatred, was a green furred cat. She twitched her tail from side to side, and toyed with the whip in her hand.

"Hisssss. Humans. What do you want?"

Meleezon pointed her axe at the chest the cat was sitting on.

"We want the Horadric Cube. We know it's in there."

"No it's not. I've never even heard of it. We don't have anything here, and we certainly don't have that."

"The sign at the entrance said you had it, and that you sold it in a garage sale…"

"Err… yes. Yes we did. Now I remember. Oh well, it's gone. Sorry about that. Too bad. Bye now."

"… and we didn't believe a word of it."

The cat became nervous and her whiskers began to quiver.

"It's... it's not here. We were burgled, and it was stolen… we took it for a walk and it ran away… we gave it to Diablo as a 'get possessed well' gift! We air mailed it to Hawaii please go away!"

Meleezon strode up and stood firmly in front of the 'fearsome' feline.

"If you move off the box, maybe I won't chop your tail off and make it into a nice scarf for Divo there."

"Ew gross! I don't want a scarf made out of… I mean… yes! Oh that sounds great! Cat tail scarf, mmm I've always (hack) wanted one of (gag) those."

The cats' fur suddenly bristled and he bared her fangs.

"No one threatens Bloodwitch! I'll tear your eyelids off and spit in your retinas. I'll stuff furballs so far down your throat you'll be horking for hours. I'll-"

-Slice Slice-

"AAHHH! My whiskers! My EAR! I'll be the laughing stock of the entire feline race! I'm going to-"

---Fast Forward---

"You know, it's not actually that bad," Divo mused while running a stylish green-furred scarf around her neck. "So soft."

Meleezon was rummaging around in the chest, throwing out useless trinket after useless trinket.

"… squeaky mouse… stash of catnip… scratching post… ah here we are!" She pulled a small glowing cube out and held it up for Divo to see.

"Oooohhh," said Divo, mesmerized. "Shiny. Can I touch?"

At that moment a chorus of hisses floated through the doorway, followed by a scream. Meleezon pulled a town portal from her pack and prepared to open it.

"I give her 5 seconds. Don't be in her path when she comes past either."

Sure enough, seconds later Static came hurtling into the room.

"Outta my way!" she screamed, and dived head first through the portal. Over a dozen very angry and well preened cats came chasing after her. Divo raised her bow, but had second thoughts.

"Static… wait for me!"

She bolted into the portal and disappeared. Meleezon rolled her eyes.

"Woe is me the day I actually need someone to back me up." She casually stepped through the portal and closed it behind her, leaving the cats to their tomb of the dead.

**Next Blog: Sticks and stones may break my bones but big, squishy, fast-reproducing bugs will never hurt me…**


	17. Blog 17 – Bug Zapour

Blog 17 – The Larvae at the End of the Tunnel

"Hmmmm… ahh! Yes, this is definitely the cube."

Cain was studying Meleezons find, turning it over in his hands. He held the cube out for the trio to see, and pointed at two small buttons.

"This one here," he said, "will open the cube up." He pushed the button and a side of box opened up. "This will allow you to put items in."

Static looked skeptical.

"Erm, Cain, you said we had to put a staff into that. Look at the size of it! It fits in your palm! How exactly can you fit anything bigger then a wendigo turd in there?"

Cain grinned.

"We Horadrim were well known for our marvelous abilities, Ms. Zapour. Allow me to demonstrate." He put his free hand up for all to see; "Nothing up my sleeve…" then he plunged it into the cube. His arm disappeared up to the elbow.

"Hole…"

"Lee…"

"Cheese?" finished Divo, offering some of her lunch to Static. The Sorceress swatted her away.

"How did you do that Cain?" Static said in amazement. "The manipulation of space time is theoretically impossible with our current levels of technology. It would take a fusion core mass spectrometer the size of Jerhyn's Palace too.." she paused, realizing the entire market place had halted their business. All eyes were focused on her.

Static looked slightly uncomfortable.

"What? I read a lot ok? I enjoy libraries… they're peaceful! I don't have to fight monsters every day of my life! I have other hobbies too! OK I'M A NERD! I HATE YOU ALL!" She ran out of the town center crying.

"Hehe, maybe I should get her some big glasses? And dye her hair red when she's sleeping. And paint on freckles! And steal her toothbrush so her breath smells really bad and -"

"Divo…"

"Yeah, alright, sorry."

"Anyway," Cain continued, "the cube in reality is far larger then it looks, but it's not infinite. It can hold perhaps one suit of armour and a sword. And it can easily accommodate the staff and its head piece."

"What does the other button do?"

"That's the transmute button. It will combine whatever you put into the cube. Unless they can't be combined, in which case nothing will happen. Which will be around 95 of the time."

"Oh cool!" Divo said gleefully. "Let me try!"

She pulled some arrows from her quiver and dropped them into the cube. Cain pushed the button; there was a humming, a flash of light and the cube jumped within his palm. Then it sat still. Cain opened the lid and reached in, withdrawing some crossbow bolts.

"Here you are Divo."

"… bolts? What the hell do I need bolts for? I was hoping they'd combine into bigger, stronger arrows! Maybe with lasers!"

"Sorry, answer unclear, please try again later."

"What?"

"Nevermind. Now, the time comes for you girls to find the staff. I've talked with Drognan about where our Horadrim member could have wandered too. Ancient news articles say that witnesses spotted a blinded folded man with a big stick wandering in the Far Oasis. Then he fell down a hole and was never seen again. Guess what: you're going digging."

Meleezon groaned.

"You're kidding. We have to dig up the entire Oasis to find some skeleton clutching a staff?"

"No, I was kidding. That place is full of maggot lairs. Most likely he fell down one of them. Maggots encase their victims within big, slimy cocoons. You'd be wise to check any you find."

"Ok! We have direction. C'mon Divo, lets go find Ms. Geeks-a lot and tell her we're leaving. By the way Cain, how does the cube work?"

"Magic," he said in a mysterious voice, while making twinkling motion with his fingers.

"Silly question."

---Fast Forward – The Far Oasis---

"So Static, do you collect stamps? How about rare gold coins? Oh I know, Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards-"

"Oh, just shut up. At least my high school hobbies didn't earn me the reputation of 'best bow jobs'."

"Hey, I was respected for that! I may not use bows but I was darn good at making and maintaining them. Plus it was a great way to meet guys."

The three were sitting around a small pond in the shade of a palm tree, eating lunch. Divo was busy playing with the cube.

"Hey check it out! Did you know if you combine tuna sandwiches with egg ones, you get a sandwich that smells AND tastes bad?"

"Divo, transmute didn't even work. You mixed the sandwiches up when you shook the cube."

Divo sighed and threw away her experiment.

"This box isn't half as fun as I thought it'd be."

Meleezon stood up and stretched.

"Well we should keep moving. We'll never find this hole if we don't… say... can you hear that?"

Divo and Static went still and concentrated on listening.

-….bzzzzzzzzz-

"Yes, I can. Sounds like a fly."

"But a big one… it's getting louder"

-bbbzzzzZZZZZZZZ-

"Whatever it is, it's definitely getting closer."

-BBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZ-

"Meleezon behind you!"

The Amazon turned and spotted the gigantic beetle flying straight for her head just in time, and dropped to the sand. The insect glided over her and crashed into the pool.

"What the hell is THAT?" Meleezon screamed, regaining her footing and fuming with anger from being caught off guard. Static gasped.

"Those markings… that colour… my god, it's Beetleburst!"

"Beetle-what?"

"Beetleburst. He's the only blue Scarab seen in a hundred years. Poachers from Lut Gholein have been trying to acquire his rare carapace, as legend says it's extremely strong material."

"Nicceee," smiled Meleezon. "Now we have the chance to take it ourselves." She hefted her axe and shield. "I'm gonna make you squeal, buggy."

"Wait!" Static grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back. "Do you seriously believe it's that easy? Don't you think the other poachers would have succeeded ages ago if it was?"

Beetleburst was still busy splashing around in the pond. He seemed completely oblivious to the humans watching him. His afternoon bath wasn't something he liked to interrupt.

Meleezon thought about Statics statement.

"Yeah… that's a point. What did happen to them anyway?"

Static grunted in frustration.

"Don't you know ANYthing about the monsters you kill? Scarabs have a tough exoskeleton, but are exceedingly delicate on the inside. If you can hit them enough times to crack open the shell, they're screwed. As a defensive mechanism, they have an overly charged magnetic field."

"Soooo… I hit him, I get electrocuted?"

"Worse then I could ever do, I'm sure. The idea is you're meant to kill yourself trying to kill him before his carapace cracks."

"Nasty. What if Divo shoots him with her bow?"

Divo, still fiddling with the box and only half listening, was paying enough attention to hear the words 'Divo shoot with bow'.

"Sure!" She knocked an arrow and fired it at the big beetle playing in the pond.

-PING-

The arrow bounced off its shell, and at the same time, waves of electricity washed over the pool. The water began to boil and steam, but prevented any of the shock waves reaching the women.

"You're lucky he's in the pool, Divo, or you probably would have just killed us all."

Beetleburst whirled and focused on the humans. His mandibles clicked back and forth angrily. Meleezon began to back up towards the palm tree.

"Can he climb trees?"

"Not likely."

Simultaneously they ran for the trunk and began to scrabble up. Beetleburst let out an angry series of clicks and chirps, and charged towards them.

"Up, up, move!" yelled Divo who was the last to climb. Meleezon and Static sat in the palms ferny peak and watched the angry insect crash repeatedly into the trunk.

"Wait… couldn't he just fly up here?"

"Yes. But it's more likely he'll get pissed soon and use those razor-sharp scythe arms to hack the tree down."

"Let's hope he's not that pis-"

As she watched, Beetleburst reared back and swung his arm, slicing the tree completely through.

"Oh SHHHIITTT-"

-SPLOOSH-

They fell out of the leaves upon impact with the water, and disappeared below the surface. Meleezon was the first to make it up for air.

"Ugh. Blah. This water tastes like crap. Or maybe I've just had too much beer lately."

Static surfaced beside her.

"I just had a perm, dammit."

Divo came up gasping.

"AAAHHH! WATER! I'M MELTING, I'M MELT-"

"Oh stop being so melodramatic. Where's our friend Beetleburst got to?"

Static swam to the edge and pointed to the palms severed base.

"I said he was tough. Never said he was smart."

A few legs and some broken carapace was all that was visible from underneath the fallen tree. Meleezon walked over and lifted the palm off.

"Ew. What a mess. So much for retrieving the bug-armour." She bent down and pulled out a strange, pulsating object from the mashed flesh. "What do you think this is?"

Static took it from Meleezons hands and studied it.

"It's the organ responsible for the over-charged magnetic field. If you squeeze it should release some of the-" -ZORCH-

"Hah! Copped some of your own medicine for once ay?" Meleezon laughed. Static flattened down her hair and scowled.

"Yes ha ha. Be thankful it was me and not you. I've got a natural resistance to electricity; that jolt would more then likely have killed you."

"Well, we better keep looking for the maggot lairs. It's getting late after all." Meleezon put the zap-organ in her back pack. "Besides, the faster we walk, the faster we'll dry off."

---Fast Forward---

"Meleezon I'm bored. We're never going to find this pllaaaaaaaaaaccee..."

"… well whatta you know. Divo found the maggot lair."

"Think she's alright? She fell a long way."

"Ah, she'll be fine. Unless she landed on a maggot. Then she'll be cranky."

---Fast Forward – Maggot Lair Level 1---

"I landed on a maggot."

"Yes I can see. Green goo looks good on you."

"I look like something Warriv coughed up before I… er… the cat caused his allergies to kill him."

"Lovely. Well, we can't really go wrong down here. There can only be so many tunnels, right?"

---Fast Forward – 3 Hours Later---

"Can't go wrong down here, she says. Only so many tunnels she says. I've seen that same Saber Cat carcass four times."

"Oi, Static. Have you ever had to navigate through a jungle so thick you couldn't see what you were hunting, or even knew if you were being hunted?"

"No."

"Then shut the hell up. I'll get us out of here. Eventually."

They continued down the twisting burrow yet again, until Meleezon finally spotted a pathway, almost completely hidden by a sheet of slime.

"Divo, think you could break through that for us?"

"Let me think: NO. I'm still trying to get the goo off from the bug I fell onto."

"Well you don't have to touch it. Here look; there's a thread of slime there. I bet if you pulled it the whole thing would slide away."

"Where? I don't see it."

"There. Look closer."

"I still don't –"

-Shove-

"MELEEZON I'LL F&$ING KILL YYYOOUuuuu…"

"Oops. Didn't know the hole down was right behind it. Maybe another bug will break her fall."

---Fast Forward – Maggot Lair Level 2---

"Heh… um… you ok Divo?"

"Yeah, fine. I think"

"Ok, well we better keep looking. We must be getting close."

"I'm still going to kill you."

"Later… after you've had a shower. Boy do you smell."

---Fast Forward – Maggot Lair Level 3---

"This has got to be the last level. I can't stand these places. Why always three?"

"I dunno. It's not like every level is different either. Sam ol' same ol'. Although I spose you have to expect that in a hole dug by bugs."

"True. Speaking of which; the only bugs we've encountered so far are those largish ones that lay eggs that pop open to reveal babies ones. Where is the one that made burrows this size?"

"That's… a really good question. And judging from the depth we're at, I'd say we'll find out who's responsible soon enough."

The trio crept forward, listening for the chatter of maggots, or the popping of eggs.

"I can hear a weird squelching noise. What do you think it is?" They rounded a corner and suddenly found themselves in a large chamber.

"Well, just I random guess, but I'd say it's prrrobably that," Meleezon mused, pointing to the enormous maggot in the center of the room. A gigantic mass of rolling bug flesh, bloated beyond movement. Its tiny legs protruded either side of the body, unable to even touch the ground. The rear end was pumping out egg after egg in a never ending factory of larvae love.

"Wow, lady, you really let yourself go," Divo chimed in.

Meleezon hefted her axe.

"Do you think we should kill it?"

Static eyes were focused elsewhere.

"I think… we have a bigger problem then some fat immobile slug." All around them the eggs were beginning to pulsate and pop. Mandibles began to chew their way out, and the air was filled with tiny newborn squeaks.

"I think your right Static." Meleezon thwacked Bladebone in her hand. "It's hatchling hack-time. I never liked kids anyway."

---Fast Forward – 5 Goo Filled Minutes Later---

"Blarg. I think we'll all need a shower now."

"Sure. At the Sorceress Commune we had group showers all the time."

"That's… definitely not what I meant. Where's Divo got too?"

"Whhheee… guys you have to try this! It's awesome!"

Divo had climbed atop the great unmoving bug and was gleefully jumping up and down on its middle.

"Divo, get off the poor thing. How would you like it if _she_ was bouncing up and down on your stomach?"

Divo paid no attention. It was becoming strikingly obvious that the great insect was now under stress, as it began to shoot eggs out with such force they were flying across the room and smashing into walls.

"Erm... Divo… Divo I'm serious. Old Queeny doesn't look good."

The maggot's beady eyes were beginning to roll wildly within its head and the legs were flailing desperately. Meleezon could see splits beginning to form in the skin.

"Oh $hit. Static… I suggest you duck." They took refuge as best they could behind a pile of dirt, while Divo continued to enjoy her living jumping-castle.

"Guys! C'mon! It's great fun! And it's not like she can hurt us or anything. What could possibly go-"

-BABOOOOMMMM-

---Fast Forward---

"That is… the most disgusting thing I've ever lived through." Meleezon picked a bug part out of her hair and smeared the goo from her cheeks.

Static was having similar problems.

"I agree. Although you have to admit the fountain of slime rising from where Divo disappeared inside was pretty cool."

The two women walked over to the skeletal remains of the Maggot Queens carapace.

"Looks like some kind of dead inland whale doesn't it?"

From within the empty shell came loud gasping, followed by coughs and splutters. Divo was in a swimming pool of slime, practically up to her neck.

"If you dare laugh, I'll hire Goatmen to molest you in your sleep."

"Heh-ahem. Sure. No laughing. Wasn't that funny -giggle snort-. So er… have fun?"

"Loads." She replied, wiping goo from her eyes. "More fun then I'll have in a looongggg time I'm thinking. But I found something that will make you very pleased and forget all about this _ever_ happening."

"It'd have to be good to stop me from telling the whole town."

Divo rummaged around in the slime pool and lifted a long, dripping shaft up for all too see.

"I found our Horadrim friend's final resting place. Tell you what, that must have been darn uncomfortable to have inside you. Kinda like an anal probe gone horribly –"

"Ok, Divo, enough mental imagery for now. Well done; you found the staff. I guess this event never happened after all. Now let's get you out of there before I give into my urges and take a screenshot."

"What?"

"Hmm? What? I didn't say anything. C'mon; Atma's pub and nice, clean water await."

**Next Blog: When all else fails… hit 'Reset'**


	18. Blog 18 – REBOOT and ‘Meet the Boneys’

Blog 18 – REBOOT and 'Meet the Boneys'

"Excellent! You found the staff! This is a great day indeed!"

Cain was almost dancing around the town center with glee. Meleezon snorted.

"Yeah, we did, but look at it. It's all bent and twisted; no doubt from the Queens efforts trying to poop the damn thing out."

Cain grinned and waved a dismissive hand.

"Bah, the Horadric Cube will fix that, it's a fantastic restorative device. Now, we just have to find the amulet."

Meleezon and Divo's jaws almost hit the cobblestones.

"Aaahhh… $hit. I completely forgot about that. Well, that's it. Our adventure is over. I'll be stuffed if I'm going through the desert to look for one tiny amulet."

Cain stopped dancing and looked grim.

"Yes… yes I spose that is a rather difficult task. It's a shame you know. We were soooo close. And I had a base idea of where he went too."

"You did?"

"Why, yes! You see, the Horadrim member we sent away with the amulet hated snakes. So not only was it amusing that we made him carry the amulet – which is actually a big snake tooth – we also pointed him in the direction of the Lost City. There's a big temple there full of strange serpents, you know."

An alarm bell went off in Meleezons ears.

"Goddam it, Divo, what have I told you about pulling that prank?"

"Sorry," Divo replied, taking Atma's dinner bell away from Meleezon's head. "But c'mon, you shoulda seen your face!"

Meleezon went into deep thought. She could have sworn Cain's words reminded her of something. She looked down at her nails.

"Damn adventuring. Look at the dirt! I should really book myself in for a manicure with Drognan." She reached inside her backpack and pulled out the Viper tooth she'd acquired with Masti X, using it to scrape the gunk from under her finger tips.

"Well, Cain, guess we should head home ay? The Rogues probably miss you suggesting their skirts be 3 inches shorter, and that midriffs are so the in fashion."

"Yes, I think you're-" he spotted the tooth in Meleezons hands. "GREAT SCOTT!"

"Scott the Great? Who? Where"

"What? No, not Scott, nevermind. I'm talking about that!" He snatched the tooth from her hands. "By Jove you found it! You found the amulet!"

"Jove had nothing to do with it. I didn't find it by him at all. And where's Scott the Great? He sounds hot!"

"Why didn't you show me this earlier?"

"Uuummm… it's a dirty snake tooth with the root still attached. I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff."

"It's the top of the staff! Oh you've saved us you've saved us, thank our lucky stars."

"…I don't have a lucky star. I have a lucky piece of belly button fluff though, should I thank that?"

"Oh forget it, give me the cube." Cain took the box and placed both the staff and amulet inside. "Now, behold as I combine the two staff pieces into one! I'll just push the transmute button, and Bob's your uncle!"

"The box will make me an uncle 'Bob'? That's some freaky $hit, are you sure we should be fiddling with something so powerful?"

"Yeah, Cain, I don't even have an uncle, so if it can rename him Bob, wow… that's some strong magic." Divo pondered, before losing interest and wandering away to ask townspeople if they'd seen 'Scott the Great' around.

Cain pushed the button. The box jumped and spun in a circle. Then there was a bright flash of light, and suddenly…

"I'm sorry; you have preformed an illegal operation. Please restart your cube and try again." The monotone voice of a man desperately trying to imitate a woman drifted out of a speaker on the side of the box.

Cain went pale.

"Jumping Jahosophat! I was afraid of this"

"Afraid of Jahosophat? Why, cause he jumps?"

"No you fool, afraid that there'd be an error with transmuting. We did a really good job separating the two pieces; that big hammer never fails. I was worried the cube would have troubles recombining them."

He turned it over and Meleezon saw the words "horADrim InC." imprinted on the side. Cain carefully pushed the A, C and lastly the D. The cube made a "ding ding ding dong" sound, accompanied by some orchestral instruments, and went silent.

"…what's it doing?"

"Rebooting. I just pray that the restore function works properly, otherwise we could lose the staff altogether!"

They waited patiently as the box went through a series of clicks and whirs.

"Damn load times. And we were assured WinBox BC had the fastest load times of all cube operating systems. If only I hadn't outlived that blasted merchant…"

Finally the box played another little tune, and the voice appeared again through the speaker.

"Critical error repaired. Attempting restoration…"

Beeps. Clicks. Whirs.

"… restoration failed. Please place patch on cube, and try again."

Cain's face changed from pink, to red, to purple. He let out an angry bellow and raised the box above his head, ready to smash it upon the ground.

"Er… just kidding. Restoration complete."

-DING-

The bottom of the cube opened and the staff fell out onto Cain's cranium. He slumped forward and landed face first on the cobblestones, snoring. Meleezon bent down and picked up the newly repaired staff.

"Nice. The tooth doesn't look half as ugly on top as I thought it would." She looked down at the snoring Cain. "Hmmm… well I guess it was nap time for him. Again. Better go find Divo and Static."

---Fast Forward---

"What do you mean you're leaving?"

"I've got to go, I'm sorry." Static was packing up her stuff, cleaning out her room in the Inn. "I got a call, it was very important."

"A call? From who?"

"The library. Apparently someone knocked over a bookshelf and now everything is in complete disarray. Books out of alphabetical order, 400 years worth of dust floating all over the place. I've got to go back and help them fix it up."

"We're fighting the Lords of Hell here. If we don't stop them, there won't even BE a library left on Sanctuary!"

"Not true! I'm positive even Lords of Hell like to take time out once in a while. Imagine all the screaming that goes on down there… where better place to escape it all then a library!"

"You're insane."

"I'm not about to go off and fight a demon that took the entire Horadrim to capture. And half of them were killed during the battle."

"Good point. Happy reading."

---Fast Forward---

"Well Divo, looks like we're on our own. Static's gone off to attend 'important business', and that just leaves you and me."

"And me…" A sinister voice drifted over to them from the shadow of a building. Both women whirled, their weapons ready.

An evil cackle followed their reaction, and slowly a bone clad figure emerged.

"You need not fear me. I am on your side… or am I?"

He was rather short, but strode for a very long distance, giving him the appearance of 'sliding'.

"I will not hurt you… unless I deem it necessary… and neither... will they." He gestured to the shadows, and 12 skeletons came slinking out. The man flung his cloak over his arm, and drew it across his face. All that could be seen was his beady black eyes.

"For I am a Necromancer, and these are my minions. I am master of the Undead... the good undead I mean."

"Yes, I know," replied Meleezon, getting bored with the whole routine. "I've traveled with two of your kind already."

The Necro dropped his arm and looked surprised.

"Really? Two? Well blast it." He unwrapped his cloak from his arm and threw it back over his shoulders. "And I thought we were supposed to be rare in this world where death is final."

"That's just what I said."

The Necro walked over – normally now, the sliding had been part of the act – and extended his hand.

"Well, nice to meet you. Sorry about that intro, I always do it just in case people have never met my kind before. Usually totally freaks them out. Even had a barbarian wet his pants. Never heard a grown man cry for his mummy before."

Meleezon took his hand and shook it.

"Nice to meet you too. I'm Meleezon, and I too have made grown men cry. Usually it's by telling them that all males are castrated on our islands after they've served their purpose."

The Necro and his skeletons shared a crossed legged cringe.

"Oohhh… um… yes well. Understandable."

"So, what do they call you?"

The Necro immediately went back into sinister mode.

"I am fear! I am evil (the good kind)! They call me…. Ew."

"… Ew?"

"Yes Ew. Ew the Summoner, to be exact."

"….Alrighty then. Well, Ew, we'd gladly have you along with us. Is summoning skeletons all you can do?"

"No, I'm slightly trained in the art of Curse B-tchery."

"Nice. What curses do you know?"

"The usual. I can make stuff get hurt more when you hit them. Drain their life when they hit us, and of course, make them hallucinate and run for their lives in fear."

Divo suddenly stepped forward indignantly.

"What? I doubt you could do that to me. I'm a Sister of the Sightless Eye, nothing scares us!"

"Except massive, tentacled, red-headed, nippel pierced Lords of Hell, hey Divo?"

"(Shut up or I'll beat you too death with a cat. Don't think I won't!)"

"Heh. Ok Ew, gather your Skeletons-"

"The Boney's."

"Excuse me?"

"The Boney's. That's what their gang is called." He leaned closer and covered his mouth with his hand. "Makes them feel tougher. I don't mind it; they fight better. I just wish they'd lose the head bands."

Meleezon glanced over the red, purple and blue bandana's adorning each skeleton.

"Yes, I can understand that. Maybe if they had leather jackets-"

"Don't you DARE suggest that too them."

"You still don't scare me. I bet I could withstand any curse you had." Divo continued, determined to prove her point.

Ew studied her for a second, then swiftly pulled out his wand.

"Crappus Pantus Syndromius!" he shouted.

A thin waft of green, sparkling gas flowed from the wand and went up Divo's nostrils. She shook her head and her eyes glazed over for a second.

"Huh? What happened?"

Ew grabbed his cloak in both hands and stretched it out like wings.

"Divo… look at me. What do you see?"

She focused on him.

"Umm... I see you standing on your tippy toes, trying to look like a giant bat or something."

Ew looked surprised.

"Damn wand… must be on the blink again."

While he was tapping it, a scorpion crawled over Divo's foot. She casually looked down and her eyes widened.

"…g… mmm… ssss… ugh…"

"Divo… are you all right?"

The Rogue continued to stutter.

"Ssss…mmm..mmm… MONSTER! AAHHHHHHHH!"

She kicked the scorpion high into the air, turned on her heel and pelted. Meleezon and Ew watched her race down the street with her arms flailing, screaming something about giant foot eating monsters.

"Well done Ew. Now she'll start a riot."

"Meh, no problem. I'll just cast a confusion curse and they'll all stop being scared and start wondering why their standing in the middle of a palm tree wearing skirts and knee high boots. While eating banana crumpets, of course."

"Of course. Oh, and by the way; if you ever put a curse on me, I'll personally demonstrate the whole castration process on you."

"Duly noted. Let's be off shall we?"

**Next Blog: Duriel – Lord of the Diet (Coke)**


	19. Blog 19 – Lord of Flab

Blog 19 – Lord of Flab

"So, finally we return." Meleezon stood with her hands on her hips and scanned the great cliffs surrounding the Canyon of the Magi. "Now, if I could only remember which tomb was the real one…"

"Hey Meleezon, check this out!" Divo was standing next to a tall pylon. Meleezon recognized it as the place she and Masti X had parted. Stuck to the pillar was a piece of paper, written on in hasty handwriting.

Meleezon ripped it off and began to read aloud:

"Dear Meleezon and Co,

I'm sure you are fully aware that the chances of me facing Baal alone were about as large as Jerhyn's brain. However, since you did help me restore the sun and prevent my body getting torn limb from limb by the towns people, I felt that I owed you.

I went through each and every tomb until I found the real one. The symbol is; Triangle. Or was it square? Hmm… either way I know it had a five in it. Jokes, it's a triangle.

Please, don't feel sorry that we won't be killing the Lord of Destruction together. I found enough treasure in the false tombs to let me live a rich, fat-ass life where ever I like!

I hear Mt. Arreat is nice this time of year, perhaps I'll go hiking. At least if I get in distress there'll be tons of shirtless, body building men to rescue me. Mmmm Barbarians… although the last few I met were too involved in dancing to 'YMCA' to notice me :(

Hugs and Inner Sight Induced Feelings,

Masti X"

"Well, looks like it Masti saved the day. We're off to find the tomb marked with a triangle."

"Triangle? Oh god no!"

"What's wrong Ew?"

"Nothing… I just have a fear of triangles is all."

"… You work with the dead, you spend your entire life devoted to raising monstrosities like Blood Golems, and you're afraid of… triangles?"

"Yes. I was horribly mauled by one as a child. It haunts me to this day."

"I don't think I want to get into this."

---Fast Forward – The Triangle Tomb Entrance---

"I can't! I just can't do it!"

Ew sat huddled in the sand before the gaping doorway of the tomb.

"Come on Ew, the triangle is drawn onto stone. It's not going to hurt you! It can't jump off and bite you."

"That's what they said about the last one, and boy were they wrong."

Divo rolled her eyes.

"Geez, such a fuss over a stupid shape. If you'd seen that thing crawling over my foot in town, you would have DIED!"

"Yes, Ew, you're making quite the unnecessary scene. We have to go inside."

"What's left of my sanity is imploring me not to enter."

"That's exactly what my last boyfriend said before I took him into the castration tent, which is what I'll do to you if you don't MOVE."

"On second thoughts, triangles aren't the scariest thing around…"

---Fast Forward – The True Triangle Tomb of Tal Rasha---

"Wow, Meleezon, look at this coffin. I've been here for 5 minutes, shooting every zombie that comes out of it, and they're still coming!"

Meleezon stood at Divo's side and admired the pile of corpses that was beginning to fill the room.

"That's quite impressive. Ew would find this fascinating."

"Hmm?" The Necromancer was wandering around the room aimlessly. Apparently one of his skeletons had lost its bandana and refused to move on until it was recovered.

"Pause your bandana hunt for a second and come look at this coffin."

Divo shot another zombie as it stumbled through.

"Maybe it's made from the same stuff as my quiver? I mean, I never seem to run out arrows."

"You know, I've always wanted to ask you about that, but I've been to embarrassed cause I thought it'd sound stupid."

"Really? No way! How cool it that?"

Ew walked around the coffin, examining it.

"Intriguing. If I took a guess, I'd say it's an ectoplasmic replication device with neural and physiological combination abilities."

"It's a microwave?"

"No, it's magic," Ew stated, while making twinkling motions with his fingersand going 'ooohhhh' in a spooky way.

"Ahhh, of course! It's amazing; magic is the answer to so many things. I wonder why that is?" Divo began to drift off into thought.

"Well I've had enough of it." Meleezon strode over and gave the coffin a mighty kick. "Hiya!"

It fell over onto its side and smashed into rumble. Once the dust had cleared, a small, toy monkey holding tambourines waddled out of the wreckage. It happily tottered around, smashing its noise makers together madly.

"Ah HA! That's Horadrim work if I've ever seen it. Remind me to ask Cain about it when we get back to town."

Divo stooped and picked it up.

"Awww it's cute! A magic monkey able to reproduce the undead. Just what I always wanted!"

---Fast Forward – Orifice (hehe… orifice)---

"Hmmm… 7 symbols… a hole in the middle… suspicious looking sealed doorway to the left… I'd say this is the place we put the staff."

"I'll handle this," Ew reached into his backpack and pulled out a perfect replica of the staff Meleezon and Divo had been working so long and hard to find. Their jaws almost hit the floor.

"What the… how the hell did you get a Horadric Staff?"

Ew looked surprised.

"What this thing? Yeah it's a Horadric Staff. 29 gold at any local supermarket. Look, I got a spare amulet free!" He pulled a tooth on a chain out from inside his armour.

Meleezon looked as if she was about to explode.

"Words… cannot express… how pissed off… I am!"

"Well, good thing we're going to fight a Lord of Hell then, isn't it? You can take all that aggression out on him."

Ew casually strolled over and stuck the staff in the orifice. There was a grinding, chugging sound and the staff slowly began to rotate. Meleezon watched as it rose into the air, still spinning and beginning to glow like a careless electrician.

"Wow. If the Horadrim hadn't spent so long on flashy light shows they could rule the world! Or at least invented the flush toilet by now."

The staff suddenly shattered into a bolt of raw lightning and raced across the room. It reached the sealed door, paused, then knocked politely. The door creaked open, and the bolt of lightning disappeared inside.

Meleezon and Ew looked at each other.

"I guess manners make life easier… we shoulda just tried smashing the bloody thing down."

---Fast Forward - Tal Rasha's Chamber---

"AAAAaahhhhh…"

-SPLOOSH-

Divo slid down the bank and landed waist deep in slime. She groaned and pulled a hand out to look at it.

"Gross," she mumbled. A voice drifted down to her.

"Sorry, Divo. You ok?"

"Fine. But try sliding to the left when you come down, there's a pool of slime on this side." She suddenly realized she'd missed her chance for revenge and slapped herself on the forehead in disgust. Which naturally resulted in a nice slimy handprint.

-THUMP THUMP-

Meleezon and Ew landed on slime free dirt a few meters to her left.

"Care to help me out?"

Meleezon surpassed snickers and helped her rogue companion out of the puddle.

"Baal is just going to love you in that skirt."

"Shut up or I'll offer you to him as a sacrifice. Why do I always land in slime?"

-CA-RASH (clatter tinkle crack)-

Ew cringed has the entire Boney gang slid down and landed in a pile on the ground. Multiple skulls looked up at their master, grinning sheepishly and silently hoping he'd forgive their clumsiness and put them back together.

"Goddam it," the Necro mumbled as he began to pick up the scattered pieces. "They'd follow me to Hell and wouldn't even bat an eye socket at fighting Diablo, but give them a slope and their done for…"

Meleezon and Divo smiled and turned to investigate the area more. It was an extremely large cavern; apparently the entire floor had given way and collapsed into this hole. Meleezon could see a door halfway up the wall that obviously led into another room. Divo suddenly began to tug on Meleezons armour.

"Mmmm.. sss… gggaahh"

"What? Don't tell me you've seen another scorpion?"

Divo just kept pointing and mouthing words.

"B.. Beeg. Very bbeeeeeggg mmmm"

Meleezon followed her pointing finger, and there at the far distant end of the cavern, sat the most hideously bloated creature she'd ever seen.

It was a massive insect; somewhere between mother-in-law and elephant-with-obesity. Much like the Maggot Queen, it appeared to be so bloated it couldn't move. However the man-size claws it had for arms suggested it might be able to drag itself pretty damn fast if needed.

Meleezon and Divo began to creep forward to get a better look. As they got closer, they could see what the creature was doing.

Hunched over a desk perhaps one tenth it's size, it held a tiny book in those two massive claws. A small desk lamp illuminated the pages.

Curious, Meleezon cleared her throat.

"Er... ahem… good book?"

The creature casually looked up. Its face was twisted into an unchangeable grin, showing rows of very sharp teeth. A pair of spectacles balanced perfectly over its eyes.

"Yes. Can I help you?" His voice was high, smooth and somewhat professional.

"We're here to see Baal."

The creature put down its book.

"I'm sorry; he's away on a call at the moment. Can I take a message?"

"Tell him we've come to kill him."

The great bug suddenly took a whole different approach.

"Oh! Good grief you're heroes!"

He threw the book over his head, smashed the desk against the wall and brought his great bulk up to full height.

"Fear me, humans!" His voice had become deep and rolling it startled the women. "I am Duriel, Lord of Pain, and Secretary to Destruction."

Meleezon and Divo began to back away.

"Erm… Meleezon… no one said anything about this guy."

"Yeah. Perhaps we should have made an appointment."

"DIE!"

Duriel lunged into a head first charge, dragging himself across the cavern with such speed Meleezon was barely able to jump aside. The bugs great bulk kept him going until he smashed into the wall behind them, making the whole room shake. Rocks and sand began to tumble from the ceiling.

"I'm not sure if we should get him to do that again. This whole place could come down," Meleezon shouted over the sound of falling rubble. "Where's Ew anyway?"

"Ouchus Maximus Hurtyous!"

The familiar red curse snaked its way over Duriel's body. At the same instant, a dozen freshly rebuilt and colourfully bandana'ed skeletons leapt upon his hefty fat rolls.

Duriel let out a bellow and began to smash Boney's off his body left and right. Ew suddenly appeared next to Meleezon, using desperate hand gestures to re-bind skeleton after skeleton as they were smashed apart.

"You better get into it; I don't know how long we can keep this up."

Divo suddenly snapped to attention and began launching volley after volley of arrows at the Lords exposed flesh. Much to her disappointment they disappeared inside the fat completely.

"We have to think of something else, Meleezon. Nothing can hurt this guy!"

Duriel was beginning to win the fight against the skeletons. He bashed his body against the wall and used his weight to crush them into the ground.

"I've got an idea," Meleezon yelled as more rocks began to fall around them. "Ew, call off your skeletons before we're buried. Divo, reach into my backpack and find our desert memento.

Divo looked confused, but began to search anyway.

"Which memento? We have lots! Squeaky cat toy, Maggot Queens mandibles, Summoners voice box (squeeze it for laughs galore)… oh wait, you mean this?"

She pulled a small blue internal organ from its holding pocket.

"Yes! That's it! Give it to me but what ever you do don't squeeze it, it's-"

-ZORCH-

-Divo has died-

"Oh goddam it, you moron Divo! It's Beetlebursts zap-gland. Static told us how dangerous it was." She bent down and pried the glowing bug-bit from Divo's smoking hand. "Looks like you're going to miss another Hell Lord battle," she sighed.

A massive claw suddenly smashed into the ground next to her, sending her sailing backwards. She scrambled to her feet and began to sprint for her life as the very angry, very large Duriel chased her down.

"Come here, little human. I'm bigger then you, I'm higher in the food chain. GET IN MAH BELLY!"

Meleezon began to circle around the cavern.

"Dammit, Ew! Help me! Draw his attention!"

In reply she heard Ew's voice shouting a curse:

"Loogat Mee I Say Badtings Aboot Yo Mommas!"

Duriel stopped in his tracks and did a complete 180 spin (not bad considering his size; you'd expect a loud 'beep beep' when he was turning).

"Boney human can be entrée, I'll eat you wand and all!"

Ew suddenly realized he wasn't in the best position.

"Um, Meleezon, I've stopped him chasing you but now what? He's going to kill me!"

Meleezon finished setting the zap-gland carefully on the floor and stood up.

"Cast another curse! Get him to come after me again!"

"What? Make up your bloody mind!" Ew was clearly getting nervous as the Lord of Pain bore down on him. "Hay Lookus Ova Therius!"

The repel curse snaked out of his wand and smacked Duriel in the face. The big bug stopped in surprise and glared at the hovering orange mist, which grabbed his head and twisted it in Meleezons direction.

"Hey Ugly. I can see you've got plumbers crack and a really bad case of cellulite from back here."

Duriel roared so loudly the remaining skeletons at Ew's side collapsed to the floor again. With another impressive 180 he barreled down the length of the room towards the puny human before him.

"Come on Duri, a little closer…" she took a few steps back, not fully confident this plan would work. "Just a little closer…"

Duriel was almost upon her.

"GET IN MAH-"

-ZORTCH-

The Hell Lord stopped mid-charge and glowed bright blue. Meleezon could see the electricity flowing through him; sparks sizzling away the fat.

Ew came running up.

"I don't know what's going to happen here, but perhaps we should stand back." They sheltered against the wall, watching the translucent skin as it began to bubble and pop.

"He's gonna-"

-PPPPppssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh….-

Duriels great body deflated before their eyes. A smell like rotten eggs and unwashed footy socks filled the cavern.

"Oh god, it's worse then exploding!" Meleezon said through held nose.

Duriel continued to sink into the ground, oozing pus and smaller insects. Soon, all that remained was a carpet-size skin-bag and two massive claws. The bugs evacuating his body began to creep they're way across the cavern floor.

Ew strode over and stepped on one, making a satisfying squish.

"Well, that ends that. What say we go back to town for awhile. Drink, rest… oh and bring Divo back of course."

Meleezon nodded.

"I second that. It'd be better to let this place air out anyway; smells worse then Cains robe."

**Next Blog: Duuddddeee, whoa! I'm seeing Angels! Awesome!**


	20. Blog 20 – Angel Banter

Blog 20 – Glowing Wings Don't Maketh the Angel  


Ew was stretched out over a line of bar chairs, snoring happily. In a nearby corner, the Boneys were having a quiet game of patty-cake vs. cops and robbers.

Meleezon and Divo were also amusing themselves in a rigorous game of checkers upon one of the pub tables.

"King me!"

-WHAM-

"Ow! Goddam it, I said 'king me'! Not 'beat me across the fn head'."

"Oh, sorry, Divo. On the Amazonian Isles, it's part of the rules to hit the person winning at checkers."

"Really?"

"No. God, you're so gullible."

"Thanks! I think…"

They had almost finished their game when Cain burst in through the doorway.

"YOU FOOLS! What are you doing in here? You're meant to be out there hunting down Baal!"

Meleezon rolled her eyes.

"Relax, we've already been down into the tombs. Two days ago actually. Baal wasn't home, so we killed his secretary. We figure he'll get pissed enough to come after _us_ once he finds out who did it."

Cain began pacing back and forth along the hardwood floor, pulling at what little hair he had left.

"Stupid, stupid heroes! The Lord of Destruction is not simply allowed to go out for a walk when he feels like it. We Horadrim trapped him in place for all eternity. If he wasn't home, Diablo has already come and freed him! He's on his way to Kurast as we speak!"

Meleezon and Divo froze mid checker-hop.

"You mean… we missed him?"

"Yes! We have to go to Kurast and catch them before they get to their third brother, Mephisto!"

"_Three_ brothers? You know, I'd really like to see the mother of these guys," Divo mused. "She must be rreeaallly ugly."

Cain began to bang his head against a wall.

"Ok, Cain, Divo was just kidding. We'll go tell Meshif we want to go to Kurast."

"We can't! Jerhyn still doesn't believe Baal is dead, because he's not! You have to go back down in the tomb and find some evidence to prove he's really gone."

Meleezon thought for a moment.

"How about Duriel's skin? There's plenty of that to-"

"Not good enough! Kill his secretary means squat to Lut Gholein. Get back down there and find cold hard facts."

"Why are facts cold? There's so much in the world I don't understand…"

"Divo, I really don't think we should be arguing right now. Cain looks like he's about to blow a valve. How about you wake Ew up?"

"Sure." Divo went over to the sleeping Necromancer and shook him softly. "Ew… Ew wake up we have to go back into the tomb. Ew? EW!"

He sat up with a start, still half asleep and pointed his wand at Divo.

"George Bush's 'Speech to the People'"

A strange blue mist in the shape of a question mark shot from the wands tip and disappeared into Divo's ear. Her eyes rolled back into her head and she crashed to the floor.

"Ew, what the hell have you done?" cried Meleezon, rushing to Divo's side. The Necromancer sat up, fully awake now, and tried to figure out what just happened.

"Err… sorry I'm a little jumpy when I'm asleep. Have to be, you know, in case a monster finds me one night. I think I just cast the confusion curse on her."

Atma suddenly came out from the back room.

"I heard someone crying out in disgust. Did Divo step in the toilet again?"

"No, Atma, not this time. Our wand-happy friend here put a curse on her instead."

"Oh… well I'll be in the back room again if anyone needs me."

Meleezon crouched down next to Divo's head and called into her ear.

"Divo… Divo come back... don't go into the light… it costs too much to resurrect you nowadays."

The Rogues eyes suddenly flickered open.

"Hi. I'm Inglebert Humpledink. Who're you?"

"Good job Ew, she thinks she's a folk singer. How long does this curse last?"

"Oh… not long… half an hour or so..."

"Goddam it, Ew, I swear I'm going to-"

"Hey! Don't yell at the bone clad man; he's funny, intelligent and very handsome."

Ew beamed in Meleezons direction.

"See? It's like she was never cursed at all!"

"Are you joking? She's practically insane! Divo" -slap- "wake" -slap- "up!" -slap-

"Ow, Meleezon, stop it already!" Divo shook her head and glared at the Amazon above her.

"Ah good. She's coming around. Do you remember your name? You're Divo, not Inglebert Humpledink."

"Yes, I know that. What I don't know is why I'm in the middle of the ocean eating a strawberry sundae with you. And where are my clothes?" She looked around, then looked down at her skirt. "BLOODY HELL! I'M A WOMAN!"

Meleezon sighed.

"Alright, I guess we'll just have to let the curse wear off. We better go down to the tomb quick before Cain strangles us all."

---Fast Forward – Tal Rasha's Chamber, One Quick Town Portal Later---

"That rollercoaster was great, I wanna go again. Can we buy the photo?"

"Divo, just shut up for awhile."

They were back in the pit again, far under the sand. Duriel's body after two days of decomposition was not a pleasant sight. The bugs that evacuated upon his death had all returned to take home the luggage, or in other words; gorge themselves on their former host.

"Ewwww," Meleezon said as she kicked a piece of flesh over.

"What?" the Necromancer replied indignantly.

"No, not you, this mess… hey… I can see something in the skin bag." She bent over and used Bladebone to slice the skin away.

"Oh my god… it's… it's…"

"Rotten internal organs? Wow, fantastic."

"No, _this_!" she held aloft a shiny green chain mail shirt. "The legendary Hawkmail! This is awesome." She shook the slime and maggots off it. "…I'll wash it before I put it on though."

"You know Meleezon, I think you'd look really hot in green."

Meleezon squinted at Divo suspiciously, then over at Ew

"Tell me, does this confusion curse-"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. But it's a brilliant battle tactic, honest. Nothing frightens your enemy more then when his closest companion turns to him and starts enquiring as to what aftershave he wears. Or suggests that all their armour should be purple."

"Hm, sexual confusion on the battlefield. 'Is that you're poleaxe or are you just happy to see me?' Heh."

Meleezon spotted the door halfway up the wall. Thanks to Duriel's smashing about against walls, fallen rumble had conveniently created a makeshift stair.

"I assume that's where we're meant to be going."

They scrambled up the rocks, stopping to pull Divo up cause 'she couldn't climb on snails'. Cautiously they crept down the hallway ahead, rounded a corner…

And there it was. The massive runic pylon that was supposed to hold the Demon Baal captive. It stood in the center of a large dome-shaped chamber, encircled by lava. A long wooden-rope bridge was the only means to get across.

In front of the pylon, instead of Baal, was an Angel. Meleezon knew this because he glowed like he'd washed his clothing in "Miracle Wonder White", a washing powder so powerful only the Gods could afford it. He was tied to the stone by living vines that looked a lot like intestines. Seeing the heroes approach, he began to yell out.

"Heroes! Come and save me, for I am the Arch-Angel Tyrael, and I'm really important and powerful."

Meleezon strode across the bridge and looked him up and down.

"So… what do I get if I free you?"

"Treasure! Weapons! Really hunky guys?"

"Meh, I've heard better…"

"A diamond encrusted scrunchie?"

"Sold!" Meleezon quickly sliced the vines off the Angels body and pulled him down. Behind his glowing golden hood, she could see no face; just an outline. Tyrael brushed himself off and stretched his wings.

"Ahhh…. Freedom feels good. I would have gotten loose by myself in time anyway."

"I'm sure you would have. Now where's my diamond scrunchie?"

Tyrael, now floating a good 3 feet off the ground, looked down upon her.

"Scrunchie? Oh that. Sorry I don't have one." His voice was deep and collected now, showing no signs of desperation like when he chained.

"What? You told me you'd give me a diamond scrunchie!"

"I lied."

"… Can Angels do that?"

"If it's for a good cause. Look inside yourself, Merryzon-"

"MELEEzon"

"Right, that. Look inside your heart; you didn't really want a reward for freeing me. Doing the will of heaven is fulfillment enough. You're a good person inside, material possessions hold nothing dear to you."

"Hmmm… I'm searching… I can feel it… deep down… I can feel… … some poofy Angel wearing a dress just cheated me out of a diamond scrunchie."

"I don't think you're looking in the right place. Go deeper."

"Mmmmm…… nope, sorry. I still love shiny things and big weapons, no matter where I search. Pay up or I'll chain you to that rock myself."

"Now, let's not be hasty. I have many things to tell you and you must listen closely."

"Will you give me something at the end?"

"Maybe."

"Ok then!"

"Right. Well since we got off on the wrong foot, I'll have to start my speech from the beginning (I've been practicing it for days, so just bare with me)."

He floated higher and spread his wings out fully.

"Greetings Mortal," he said in a big booming voice. "I am glad to see you, but I expected you to be here a little sooner-"

"Wait, what? What do you mean 'be here sooner'? Why should I have been faster getting here?"

"In the time it took you to get here, Diablo arrived and freed Baal. Now they're off to Kurast-"

"What were you doing all this time?"

"I arrived at the exact moment Diablo was going to free Baal, conveniently."

"Oooookkk… so how did he get free if you stopped him?"

"Well… I ripped him off the bridge, pulled out my big sword and began to fight him-"

"Oh so he was in his true Diablo form? I can understand that then, he must have been tough."

"Actually, no, he was still in puny human form."

"What? And you couldn't kill him?"

"… Not exactly, no. I mean, I had him by the throat, sword raised high, but just as I was about to lop his head off the camera moved away and I didn't get to see what I did."

"What?"

"I mean; for some reason I kept missing. Like, he wouldn't be moving, but I'd still hit the rock to his left and right, or just swing my sword at thin air for no apparent reason. Come to think of it I really don't know what I was doing. It's not like he fought back."

"Sounds like you were trippin'."

"Possibly, I don't think the Cherub Turps had fully – wait! I mean no! Drugs are bad, the followers of Heaven never do drugs. Mmmkay?"

"Mmmkay. So you were fighting Diablo and failing horribly; what was happening with Baal?"

"Oh, this stupid human called Marius thought he saw the image of a hooker on Tal Rasha's body and ran to free her. Unfortunately, due to a long slow motion scene, I wasn't fast enough to stop him."

"Ahh. So he pulled the soul stone out? Bummer."

"Actually that made no difference what's so ever. Baal was still trapped till I tripped over my wings and ripped him off the pylon by mistake. I just had time to whisk Marius away to another dimension, shake him around abit and tell him he had to go to Hell to smash the stone."

"Why does he have to do that?"

"Cause it's dramatic. If we told him he could just drop it really hard on the floor it wouldn't be half as interesting."

"Hmm… so Baal caught you, tied you up to the pylon and left with Diablo. Then you waited for us to come free you cause you were to wussy to do it yourself. Hah. Well, what happens now?"

"Er, let's see. I basically rested the entire fate of the world upon the shoulders of a short, half-insane pot smoker. I sent him into Kurast to find the Portal to Hell – which is guarded by the third brother Mephisto, naturally. He has to enter the portal, completely unarmed as he is, stride up to the Hellforge after working his way through 3 valleys of Hell filled with creatures, kindly ask Hephasto for his hammer and then smash it on the anvil."

"You know what?"

"Hmmm?"

"You're a complete idiot. Seriously, for an Angel you've got to be the stupidest holy figure I've ever met."

"Sigh. Yes I know. Damn those Cherub Turps. Don't do drugs kids; you never know when the fate of the world may depend on your clear thinking."

"So I gather you want us to go to Kurast and hunt down all 3 brothers, get their soulstones and smash them in Hell ourselves?"

"Would you? That'd be so helpful, thanks."

"And that brings us back to my reward. You got 2 choices; give me a diamond scrunchie AND a matching bracelet, or come with us and use that big sword of yours to chop up the bad guys."

"Hah! I can't do either. For starters I don't have that damn scrunchie, let alone a matching bracelet. And secondly; Heaven says I'm not allowed to go with you. I have a curfew you know. 8:30 lights out. I've already missed dinner. Oh man, Gods gonna be so mad."

"Daddy's boy."

"Shut up! How would you like to feel the entire wrath of the universe unleashed upon your ass whenever you're late? It's not good."

"Fine. Then you have one more choice: write a letter in fancy Angel writing explaining that you stuffed up protecting Tal Rasha and now he and Diablo are on their way to Kurast. No where near Lut Gholein, so we can finally use ships again."

"Fine." Tyrael sighed and pulled a pen from his robe using one of his wing-strands. "Do I have to tell them about the stupid sword bit?"

"No, you can leave that out. Say Diablo simply overpowered you."

"Sounds good."

Tyrael finished writing, signed it in letters three quarters the size of the page and handed it to Meleezon.

"There. Hold onto that, my sig will be worth a fortune one day."

"Gee, really? I guess I should just throw my Elvis one away."

Tyrael floated towards the ceiling, his voice slowly fading as he dematerialized.

"Farewell, hero, our paths will cross again… oh, and by the way; let's just keep that whole Cherub Turps thing between us? Man, I'm really going to have a lot of explaining to do…"

The trio watched him disappear from sight. Divo, who'd been completely silent during the whole conversation, suddenly chirped up.

"So now the big floating bunny has gone, can we go back on the rollercoaster? Oh! And ice cream, I really want some ice cream. Sardine flavour."

---Fast Forward – Back in Town---

"Oooohh…. Oh my freakin' head." Divo wandered into the bar looking very forlorn.

"Hey there mental pants, feeling normal now?"

"If you call having 60 excited chipmunks fighting over your brain normal, then yes. Where's Ew? I'm going to break every bone on his body, and the ones inside as well."

"Aw to bad, he just left. Someone came in wearing a brand new leather jacket; apparently there was a professional skin-weaver in town. The Boney's saw it and went berserk, all rushed out to buy one. Ew had to get all 12 of them a jacket, or they threatened to quit. Now he's broke. He went home to ask his mum for some money."

"Damn. I guess I won't have my revenge."

"Well, we might meet him again, who knows. He arranged his cousin, Ick the Clobberer, to meet us in Kurast."

"Ick the Clobberer?"

"Yeah. It's pretty obvious they're from the same family tree, isn't it?"

Divo sat down, still nursing her head.

"So what'd I miss? I can't really remember anything after Cain came in and ranted at us."

"Oh not much. I got this shiny new chain mail, see?" She stood up to show Divo Hawkmail in all it's green ringed glory. "It fits perfectly."

"Yeah it does. You look really hot in it actually."

"… I thought that was the curse talking when you said that before."

"Eerrr… yeah. I guess there's side affects. Forget I said anything."

A dark shadow suddenly filled the doorway.

"Well?" asked Cain. He sounded calmer now and looked less like he was about to snap and strangle everyone. "How'd it go?"

"Pretty well, actually," Meleezon smiled. "We met Tyrael, an Arch Angel. He gave us this document that'll convince Jerhyn to let the boats leave dock."

"Angel, ay? That's nice…" Cain sat down casually at the bar and ordered a mug of water. "Must have been fascinating."

"Oh yeah!" cried Divo suddenly. "I just remembered: we found this little monkey…" she reached into her backpack and pulled out the small toy, which immediately started banging it's cymbals away like crazy.

"BY THE GODS!" Cain cried. "That's a Crazy Banging Horadrim Monkey! Where'd you find it?"

"In a tomb. It was in a coffin that produced endless undead."

"Ahh, of course! I'd forgotten we'd experimented with that. That's probably the reason why the world's covered in those walking-dead blighters. Oops, our bad."

"You Horadrim guys are crazy! Are there more of these things?"

"Of course! Not just in coffins either."

"Where else?"

Cain took hold of Divo's quiver and gave it a hard smack. All the arrows came tumbling out in a pile, and then something small and furry plonked out on top.

"Oh my god!" Divo cried in delight. "There's a monkey in my quiver! Now we have _two_ monkeys!"

Meleezon stared with raised eyebrows as Divo picked up both monkeys and hugged them. The toys banged away happily, grinning their goofy grins.

"You're kidding me, aren't you Cain? Are these things really the source of all infinite reproducing objects in our world?"

"Yup! What's more, they breed with water! And if you feed them after midnight they'll turn into gorillas, so you have to be careful. We were afraid things might get out of hand when we made them, and they'd take over the world one day… but then someone invented 'Pop Rocks' and we forgot all our problems."

"Mmmmm… pop rocks," Meleezon dreamed. "Oh, and we better not tell Divo about the water thing. Lord knows we've got enough to carry as it is."

She stood up and gave Divo a nudge on the shoulder.

"Put those back in your quiver and let's go. We've got a Sultan to talk to."

"Awww, do I have to?" Divo moaned.

"Yes."

"Fine." The dejected Rogue stuffed one of the monkeys in her quiver and started to pick up the arrows. " mumble mumble… never get to play with toys… mumble."

Meleezon turned and called back to Cain as they left the bar.

"By the way; how do those monkeys work?"

"Magic!" He called back, followed by twinkling fingers and a spooky 'oooohh' noise.

"And here I was expecting something different…"

**Next Blog – Yo Ho, Ho… how you doin'? ;)**


	21. Blog 21 – High Seas, Low Bogs

Blog 21 – High Seas, Low Bogs

"Hmmm… hm hm hm."

Jerhyn read Tyraels letter over, then over once more. Meleezon and Divo waited impatiently on the palace steps.

"How do I know you got this from an Angel? The writing is atrocious!"

"It's called calligraphy. Upper class snots and people with skill sometimes like to use it."

"Bah, I've never used it in my life!"

"Funny that…"

Jerhyn read it over one last time, folded it up and handed it back.

"Fine, go tell Meshif the docks are open again. I suppose it's a good thing really; we haven't received any overseas mail since we closed the docks. I really miss my Wine Cellar Monthly Magazine."

"Hm, speaking of cellars, how did the clean up go?"

"Oh, fine fine fine. Fara whipped up a few ancient resurrection spells and brought the Harem girls and guards back to life. We also cleared out all the monsters and closed the portal. All good, all good."

"… what about FireEye, the portal Guardian?"

"Who?"

A loud scream suddenly came from the palace, followed by a familiar irritated voice.

("Now I shall engage you all in lethal combat! Hey you, get back here! Don't you dare climb those stairs. Hey, don't flip me off! That's it, now I'm pissed!")

"Uuuummm… I think I left my oven on. I better go turn it off."

"Whatever you say Jerhyn. It was nice meeting you."

"Absolutely, we'll have to do it sometime."

"Excuse me?"

"Do lunch… we'll have to do lunch next time we meet…. I've gotta go."

---Fast Forward – The Docks---

"Hey there!... Wow… you're an Amazon!"

Meleezon and Divo dumped their luggage at Meshif's feet and handed him the letter.

"Yes, I am. Why the surprise?"

"Oh… nothing… no reason…really." He started to read the letter, but his eyes kept darting back to gaze on Meleezon. She shifted uncomfortably and crossed her arms.

"Well, everything seems to be in order. I'm not about to argue with an Angel and a Sultan combined now, am I? I'll take you anywhere you want. Westmarch? Scosglen? Maybe the Frozen Sea? Or perhaps you're hungry? I could jump into the water and wrestle out a shark if you like, they make great soup. Oh, back massage! I'm really good at-"

"Ah, no thanks Meshif. We just want to go Kurast. Think you can manage that?"

"Of course! No problem! Off we go!" He ran up the gang plank and started jumping all over the ship. "Hoist the decks, swab the sails, man the anchor; we're taking off men!"

Divo and Meleezon picked up their gear and dragged it up the plank.

"He's a rather excitable fellow isn't he?"

"Perhaps he likes blondes?"

"Who doesn't?" –wink-

Meshif finished giving his orders and returned to their sides.

"So are you absolutely sure there's nothing I can do for you?"

Divo smiled and fluttered her eyelashes.

"I'd love one of those massages you mentioned earlier."

"Hmm? Oh hello, have we met? My, you're a Rogue! How nice to meet you."

"Yes, my name is Divo, Sister of the Sightless Eye-"

"Yes yes Drivo, that's nice. Be a good girl and take your mistresses stuff to your bunk rooms?"

"Mistress? Girl? NICE? Why you-"

"Yes Drivo, take my stuff to our quarters chop chop."

The Rogue glared daggers at them both, but picked up the gear anyway.

"I'll give you chop chop… mumble mumble… chop chop your freakin ass overboard grumble…"

Meleezon waited till she'd entered the cabins and then turned to Meshif.

"So, I assume this ship has a bar?"

---Fast Forward – Later that Night---

"… and it turned out she was a catfish!"

"HAHAHAHAHahahahaha. Oh Meshif you're a riot!"

They were sitting in the bar, a pile of unwashed glasses rolling around on the floor below them. The gentle rocking motion of the ship made it an absolute necessity to hold your full glass in your hand at all times. Divo, still on her first pint, thought it was time she interjected.

"Hey I can tell joksh too! Who wantsh to hear a joke?"

Meshif leaned over and whispered to Meleezon behind his hand.

"You know, I've only really seen her have a few mouthfuls. Is she putting this on?"

"Nah, she's a complete lightweight. 20 gold says she'll be on the floor by the end of that pint."

"Hey are you two gonna shtop whishpering and listen to –hick- the joke?"

"Yes, Divo, tell away."

"Oh, good. Ok, there'sh thish sheagull shee… no wait maybe it's an albatrosh… no! It was a horsh! Anyway it walks into thish bar and says 'Give me a beer' and the bartender says… "Holy $hit! A talking horsh! HAHAHAHAHhahahaha…"

At which point she fell off her chair and lay snoring on the deck.

"Hah! That'll be 20 gold. She didn't even finish her drink."

Meleezon grudgedly handed over the money.

"I'm gonna get her for this when she wakes up."

"Ahhh forget it, I'm only going to use it to buy ya more drinks anyway,"

"Woo! You the Sea-man! Fill'er up!"

---Fast Forward – 17 Bottles of Beer on the Wall…---

"Oh yeah, well I betsh ya… 50 gold I can climb that wall with me lipsh!"

"You're on!"

---- 22 Bottles of Beer…---

"HAHAHA! That mug maksh the besht hat EVER!"

--- Take One Down…---

"I never wanshed to be a seaman. I wanshed to be a lumberjack! But I told my mother that… and she startsh all crying and shtuff… and Dad… well he jusht looked shoooooooo shad."

"I hear ya, I feel your pain man -sniff- … I never even knew my father!"

--- Pass It Around…---

"SHOOK ME AAALLLLLLL NIIIGGHHTT LOONNGGG YEAH SHING IT"

"WWOOOO YOU DA KARIOKE KING!"

--- 36 Bottles of Beer on the Wall---

"I... don't feel sho good. I think I'll go to bed now-"

-CLUNK- ZZZzzzZZzzzzzzzzz…

"Hahahhahahahah! You fell-"

-CLUNK- ZzzZZzzzzzzz….

---Fast Forward – The Next Morning---

-BANG BANG BANG-

"Oohhhh….. what is that god awful loud noise?"

-BANG BANG BANG-

Meleezon opened her eyes and squinted in the dimly lit bar.

"Oh, it's just my heartbeat. Guess I should be thankful I'm alive."

With a swimming mind and aching muscles, she dragged herself off the hardwood floor. Looking around at the destroyed tables and endless rows of pitchers, she already knew what kind of night it had been.

"Damn, if sailor's rum hasn't got the biggest kick. Feels like I've been trampled by Wendigoes…" she spotted Divo sprawled out still snoring, "… but at least I'm not a lightweight." The thought eased her mood abit.

Meshif was no where to be found. At least half those pitchers were his, so she assumed he should be in very much the same state as her. Wandering out onto the deck, Meleezon was greeted by pain from all sides.

"Morning! How's the head?" boomed a voice from above, while the bright sun scorched her retinas.

"Oh… please… don't talk. Why the hell are you so chirpy?"

Meshif was at the wheel, grinning widely and looking fitter then a spring chicken with A.D.D.

"Ah, you need some of Mother Meshif's Miracle Hangover Cure." He hopped down and handed her a glass of brown liquid. "That'll fix you up quick smart."

Meleezon looked at it suspiciously.

"What's… in it?"

"Never mind that, it works! Trust me."

She stirred it with her finger abit, then tasted it delicately.

"Hmm... bit fishy... but doesn't seem all that bad." She took a mouthful, then another, then finished the cup. "Hey, that wasn't bad at all!"

"Yup, octopus guts are highly under-rated."

"Octopus… guts?"

"Yes, they're one of the ingredients. Them and Pupperfish Eyeballs, Starfish Spleen, Mackerel Gullet, Whale Tongue, Crab Colon-"

"Oh my god… I'm going to throw up." Meleezon put her hand over her mouth and ran for the railings.

"… Tunafish Spinal Fluid, Dugong Doo Doo, Shark Cartilage, Anemone Antenna, Seahorse Spe-"

("SHUT UP SHUT UP! OH GOD…" –bluurrghhh-)

---Fast Forward – 2 Days Later---

"Well ladies, we're here at last. Behold; the docks of Kurast!"

Meleezon and Divo staggered off the boat and took in the sight before them.

Endless swamp. Mosquitoes. A haze of green gas covering the rundown 'huts', if they could even be called that. Worst of all, something brown and elongated floated out from under the pier they were standing on and drifted over to join other suspicious looking shapes in a unified bog pit.

Divo screwed up her nose and poked out her tongue.

"Oh man, this is GROSS! Give me sand rash any day."

Meshif suddenly looked defensive, snorting loudly.

"I'll have you know this is my homeland. The glory of Kurast is known the world over. Everyone's heard of its legendary status."

"What's it so legendary for?" asked Meleezon, "Breeding the world's biggest insects?"

"That. And having the richest source of peat."

"Ooohh!" Divo suddenly perked up. "Rich? Pete? Where? I like the sound of him. Is he related to Scott the Great by chance? Hey Meleezon, what if they were brothers? We could be set for life!"

Meshif stared at her for a long time and then spoke very slowly.

"Peat… is a form of bog moss. We have it growing all over the docks and rivers. It's very valuable."

"As what?"

"… … Ok we haven't actually worked out the details. But as soon as someone does invent a use for peat, we're going to be millionaires."

"Well I hope that dream comes true for you one day Meshif. In the meantime, perhaps you could do the tourist thing for us?"

He suddenly burst out in smiles and waved his arms wildly.

"Of course! It'd be a pleasure. Follow me; you can leave your stuff here. I'll have one of the deck hands take it to your hut."

He began to move off up the docks at a rapid pace, pointing things out and rambling some facts along the way.

"Ok, to the left we have Asheara's Guard House. She sells all sorts of gear, and also hires out mage-warriors."

"Mage warriors?" Meleezon asked inquisitively. "What are they?"

"Well, they call themselves the Iron Wolves. They use swords and shields, but rely mostly on elemental spells."

"Wow… that sounds useful, doesn't it Divo?" She looked over at her Rogue companion and grinned mischievously.

Divo's eyes opened wide and she began to turn red.

"No… way. No way in HELL am I letting you trade me in for some pooncy spellcaster after bringing me to this cesspit."

Meleezon laughed.

"Relax, jeez. I was just kidding-"

"Ladies please, we need to keep moving. Ok, now this big pyramid place here is Ormus's shop. He's the local healer, you can meet him later; he's quite a character. And further up there is Alkor's Joint. I suggest you keep away from there, he's old and a little nuts."

"Eh, that's ok. We've had to put up with Cain for the past-" Meleezon suddenly paled. "Oh… crap. We left Cain behind! In Lut Gholein!"

Divo shrugged casually.

"And that's a bad thing?"

"… That's a good point."

"And over there is the Blacksmiths HQ, owned by Hralti. No one knows exactly why he built it so far away from the rest of the businesses… I've actually heard people say they'd rather go to Hell then all the way down to visit Hralti."

"Bit dramatic, don't you think?"

"Is abit. Ok, history lesson! These are the docks, currently the last safe place in Kurast. Why? Because back when the Horadrim caught Mephisto they buried him under a big temple. And then the stupid sods that are the Zakarum thought 'Hey, that's a cool tower. Why don't we make our city around that? Nothing bad'll happen.'

So they built their big old city around the tower, refurnished it abit, turned it into the Council Chambers. They trained all the Paladins up with that 'follow the light' jazz. Then old Mephisto gets a whiff of what's going on and corrupts the council. Everything goes to $hit and before you know it the whole city is over run with Religious Zealots and obnoxious beasties. What's left of us sane people keep moving back and back, further into the jungle until we're finally at the Docks.

Me being a smart one, I nicked the only boat and took off to Lut Gholein where it was safe. But now I'm back… here… among all these people who no doubt want to kill me for leaving them stranded…"

He paused for a few seconds.

"Well, that's the tour ladies. If you need me I'll be on the boat. Over there." He pointed towards the middle of the swamp. "Hopefully out of flaming arrow range. Bye!"

Meleezon and Divo watched him race off, turban held low to cover his face.

"Right. Well I think he told us everything except the bar location."

A local with a clothes peg on his nose heard them and spoke as he walked past.

"Bar? Out of luck, little lady, there's no bar on the docks. In fact the closest you'll get to an Inn even is that over there." He pointed to a small thatched hut, half sunken in the bog.

Meleezon stood very still for a long time. Then she turned and made to run so fast Divo barely had enough time to grab her and pull her back.

"Meshif! Meshif get back here! Take me away from this dump! Dammit, Divo, let me go! I've got to get out of here!"

---Fast Forward – That Night---

"See? It's not that bad," Divo said with forced cheeriness. "I've certainly slept in worse… ish places."

Meleezon placed her backpack on the wooden planks… and watched it go tumbling away, smashing into the far wall.

"Well, that explains why the beds are nailed down. I thought the place was on a bit of a lean."

"If you can call a 25 degree angle 'a bit of a lean'. It's not hard to miss."

Meleezon sighed and crawled into bed. Unable to get comfy, she sat up and pounded her pillow hard. The hut gave a mighty groan and shifted another 5 degrees.

"Erm, I don't think you should do that. The hut owner said any sudden movements might make it sink further. He gave me a list." Divo pulled out a long piece of paper and began reading aloud. "Ahem: No sneezing. No snoring. No hopping up and down while trying to take clothes off/put clothes on. No vigorous love making-"

"OK! I get the point Divo. I don't think anything like that'll be happening in this place anyway."

"I agree. I'm pretty sure I don't snore for starters."

"… Right. Now go to sleep. We've got to find Ick the Clobberer tomorrow. Maybe he can get us better accommodation."

"Mmmm… or maybe we could just find Rich Pete…" Divo said dreamily. "I bet he's got a huge mansion. And unicorns. Mmmmm… éclairs."

Meleezon could feel herself succumbing to the gentle rocking motion of the hut as well. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she'd wake up and it'd all be a bad dream. Then she could go to the bar and forget all about it.

She suddenly remembered the locals' words: No bar.

Meleezon cried herself to sleep.

**Next Blog: Evil, mutated Council Members? …Are they ill-tempered?**


	22. Blog 22 – When Councilors Go Bad…

Blog 22 – When Councilors Go Bad…

The two women shuffled into the town square looking thoroughly depressed. They hadn't slept well, and having a morning wash was way out of the question:

"Something tells me bathwater shouldn't bite you," Meleezon had said when shown a rather hostile looking tub.

They were just heading over to the pyramid to meet this Ormus character, when a blue portal suddenly opened at the square's side. With a resounding crash, a pile of metal flew through it and landed heavily on the cobblestones.

"Ouch. Damn Zealots! I'll give you something to pray about!"

The armour picked itself up, revealing a tall, dark man inside. He held a large shield and a hammer in his hands, and he looked badly dented. As he got to his feet, the visor of his helmet came down, covering his vision.

"Lo! A Zealot has blinded me! Take that, you!"

He began to swing his hammer wildly, scattering locals and pounding shrubbery. A wide swing sent him crashing to the ground again, where he lay panting.

"Fine… do with me… as you please. You have bested me."

Meleezon casually strode over and bent down beside the man's head. She pulled his visor up and looked into his face. The dark man's eyes appeared blurry. Slowly they came into focus. He saw light. Then a face. A smiling face with golden hair.

"By the gods… an Angel? That Zealot killed me quick, I felt not a thing."

"Ick? Ick the Clobberer?"

"Yes Angel. It is I. Have you come to take me to the great land beyond? The High Heavens?"

Meleezon smiled sweetly.

"Oooohh… I'm sorry, I'm afraid there's been a mix up. There is no God. Or even Heaven for that matter. I've come to take you to purgatory. You know; big empty space where you float for all eternity? You'll love it, I'm sure."

She didn't actually know it was possibly for a dark man to go pale, but somehow he managed it. Divo suddenly ran over.

"Meleezon, enough! That is SO mean! You tell him the truth right this instant or I walk! I mean it!"

Meleezon rolled her eyes. Ick blinked a few times and squinted at her.

"Meleezon… you're an Amazon, not an Angel!" He suddenly sat up looked around him. "Well I'll be! I made it through the portal after all."

Leaping to his feet, he grabbed Meleezon's shoulders roughly.

"So, you're here at last! Ew said you would be. And you're just in time. Quick! I'm engaged in a brutal war with half the Travincal as we speak! Fighting my way to the Council. You must come and help me purge the land of this evil."

Meleezon looked up at him uncertainly.

"But… I only just got here. I really don't think I'm prepared to attack the entire Corrupted Council of the Zakarum. All I've got is Bladebone, and he's getting abit blunt."

She showed Ick the axe at her belt. Ick shook his head in frustration.

"Agh! Are you sure you haven't got anything better?"

Meleezon opened her mouth to protest, when suddenly her ears filled with static.

"Muscle capacity at 47. Weapon; Soulflay, now available for use. This has been you're friendly weapon update announcer, reminding people about things they've left in their stash and forgotten about since v1.0!"

The static clicked off and Meleezon smiled.

"Apparently I do. It'd completely slipped my mind. Thank the gods for the Slick, Quick Hero Weapon Reminder."

---Fast Forward – Minutes Later---

"Ooohhhh… aaahhhh…."

The Kurast Docks locals were crowded around Meleezon as she held aloft the shiny green blade that was Soulflay. The edge dripped with poison, and she was turning it in wide arcs for all to see. Ick, perhaps a little jealous that he was getting less attention, pushed his way into the group.

"Yes, yes, ooh, ah, shiny sword. Let's go Meleezon; we have a battle awaiting."

"Alrighty! I feel like I'm ready for anything now! Lead the way!" she cried, hurrying after Ick as they ran to the portal.

---Fast Forward – Minutes Later---

"I'M NOT READY FOR THIS! I'M NOT READY FOR THIS! ICK, HELP GODDAM IT!"

Meleezon and Divo stood high up in the Travincal's centre, near the base of a sacrificial alter. Around them poured hundreds of Zealots; strange, mutated humans with tusks and very large polearms.

Killing them wasn't so hard; Meleezon could cleave two or even three with a single swing. But on the fringes of the pack stood robed creatures - sporting bad mullets, Meleezon noted - that healed the Zealots using the unholy power they now worshipped. Worse still, they could call ice bolts down from the sky that chilled the women to the bone.

Meleezon was offered some protection from Hawkmail; the green ringlets making up the suit radiated a soft, warm light, keeping her from being frozen to the spot. Divo wasn't so lucky.

"M-m-m-eleezon… I'm… s-s-s-so… cold." Divo's pitiful cry could barely be heard over the sounds of dieing monsters. She was shivering so much she could hardly nock her arrows. Meleezon was getting pushed back towards the sacrificial alter further and further, and the relentless blows of polearm blades wasn't slowing.

'This is the end', she thought grimly, 'I'm going to end up today's offering to the dark gods.' She looked over the sea of tusked heads, searching for Ick.

Divo's cry drew her attention, and she turned to see another wave of ice unleashed on her Rogue companion. Her skin was now a dark blue. As Meleezon watched, a Zealot lifted its blade high and brought it down on Divo's shoulder.

She gasped as her friend shattered into bloody ice, splashing down the steps as dark red crystals. Fury made her turn back to her attackers, revenge burning in her eyes. Soulflay flew past and terrible, slicing limbs and disemboweling all in its path. Still they came, crawling over their own dead to get to her.

A bellow above her head made her look to the sacrificial altar; Ick stood atop, hammer raised high.

"Feel the power of the Light!" he cried. And promptly slipped off the altar.

Meleezon spared a moments sympathy.

"Ick… please get up. This battle can't be won without you."

The Paladin suddenly bounded to his feet; face once again covered by the visor.

"I'm OK! I'm alright! Nothing broken." He staggered a bit. "May the gods be with me, by the Light I shall save you, Meleezon!"

He began to swing his hammer above his head and chant strange words. She watched him between Zealots, the skill with which he wielded that weapon… without hitting a single enemy.

'This is the end', the grim thought crossing her mind again.

"Huzzah!" Ick cried, and smashed his hammer upon the altar (whether he meant to do that or not is a mystery; visors really aren't the worlds best armour accessory).

From where it struck, dozens of glowing ethereal hammers spiraled out. They smashed through bone, flesh and armour, the death wails of Zealots forcing Meleezon to dive to the ground and cover her ears.

---Fast Forward---

In the orange light of a sinking sun, the altar dust began to settle. The cries of the dying could no longer be heard. Meleezon opened one eye, then another. She sat up and viewed the carnage around her. Not a single Zealot left. Even the healers lay as empty skins on the blood stained stone.

A cough made her turn. Ick was leaning against the ruins of altar; the splintered handle of his hammer in one hand. He raised the other hand slowly, and flipped up the visor. Beneath lay a bruised, but smiling, face.

"Did good, huh?"

She smiled back at him weakly.

"Did good? You did great! Although I admit I didn't have much faith."

He puffed his chest out proudly.

"I said I'd save you by the light, and I did. Just." He collapsed back into slouching again, looking somewhat exhausted. "I don't know if I have the strength to face the Council at the moment though."

Meleezon winced, feeling her own pains. Then she spotted a small pool of water. Water mixed with telltale red.

Divo.

She felt the anger building inside her again. Divo had died before, but not quite as mercilessly as she had today. The Council would pay. She heaved herself to her feet.

"We're going to the tower," Meleezon said firmly, and strode over to give Ick her hand. He took it gratefully. "We have to. Don't forget that these are the people that corrupted your way of life and forced you rebel Paladins to abandon your homeland."

She saw the anger burning in his eyes now too.

"Yeah… yeah! Damn bureaucrats!" he threw the splintered handle aside and unsheathed a sword from his belt, "Let's go kick some pencil-pushing ass!"

They bounded up the steps to the highest point, ready to charge down to the towers entrance and decimate all within. They crested the rise, looked to the courtyard below… and saw a very strange sight.

Heroes. A long line of heroes stretching from the towers entrance out into the courtyard, snaking and weaving around 3 fetid ponds. Some were queuing, some were sitting talking. Others appeared to be sleeping standing up. Barbarians, Assassins, Druids, Necros… every type of hero seemed to be lined up waiting to enter.

Meleezon and Ick looked at each other and began to walk down from the pinnacle. They headed to the end of the line, where a burly Barbarian was trying to chat up a Sorceress. The Sorceress saw them coming and seemed all too happy to welcome the distraction.

"Oh, an Amazon! And a Paladin too! Most of you guys are near the front of the queue, I'm glad I finally get to chat to some."

The Barbarian turned and gave Meleezon a sly grin.

"Aayyyy," he said, pointing his fingers, "what's a place like you doing in a girl like this?" He paused for a second and looked confused, as if he was trying to figure out his own words. The Sorceress just rolled her eyes.

"So what are you guys up to?"

Meleezon picked a piece of Zealot from Soulflay's blade.

"Oh, not much. Wiping out a cities worth of corrupted minions, almost getting killed in the process. Same ol'."

"Aaaahh… so that's what all the ruckus was about! We could hear the brawling a mile away."

"You heard us? Why didn't you come and help!"

The Sorceress looked uncomfortable.

"Well… under other circumstances we would have… but we really didn't want to lose our place in the queue." As she spoke the line shuffled up a bit. The Barb and the Sorceress seemed to panic and squashed up as far as they could.

"Alright! 7 inches that time!" the Sorceress high-fived the Barb.

Meleezon could contain her curiosity no longer.

"What the heck is going on here!"

"Oh I'm sorry, you didn't know? Well it's do to with the Council. Apparently they're against outright, uncivilized violence. They're forcing everyone to line up, take a number, fill out forms with the reasons why they wish to destroy the council, answer questionnaires… quite monotonous."

"And the heroes are just going along with it?"

The Sorceress shrugged.

"If we attack, they said we'd be in violation of The Creatures Rights Act, Section 23, Paragraph 19, where penalties include weapon confiscation, banishment and being forced to wear socks with sandals. No one believes it's a real law, but the risks sound too great to take."

Meleezon looked at the long, twisty line and snorted.

"Well we'll have to do something about this. I didn't risk my life to spend the rest of it waiting to fill out paperwork." Putting her weapons on the ground, she stripped Hawkmail off, revealing a white singlet underneath. "Hold this," she said, giving the armour to Ick. He was happy to oblige.

Now sporting nothing more then a skimpy piece off night cloth, she wandered over to one of the ponds and dipped a finger in.

"Eeewww… this is disgusting!" she said loudly. Most of the males in the queue had spotted her by now and conversation had died. She put her hands on her hips and sighed loudly.

"How AM I supposed to cool off in water like this? I really wish someone would go back to town and get some nice fresh water to splash on my hot body." She waved her hand in front of her face.

30, perhaps 40 portals opened simultaneously, and within seconds the line was testosterone free. The remaining heroes, all female naturally, smiled with delight.

"Well that was very clever of you," said the Sorceress, "I wish one of us had thought of something like that. You won't be getting rid of us women though." She looked around and frowned. "Wait… wasn't there some Assassins around before?"

Ick suddenly stepped forward.

"All you ladies that want to see my superfluous third nippel, come on over!"

A shared shriek sent the women clamouring through the portals. Very soon Meleezon and Ick were left all alone.

"Well that solves that… do you really have three nippels?"

Ick just smiled. Waving his hand in the direction of the portals, he muttered some words.

"Portalus Sealoverus."

The portal obeyed, closing up and disappearing from sight. "There, that should buy us some time. But I suggest we face this council quick before the guys work out how to get back and give you the world's biggest bath."

Nodding in agreement, Meleezon followed him up the tower steps.

---Fast Forward---

"What the hell does my weight have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the question please; it's vital to the process."

Meleezon and Ick now stood in front of a long desk. Behind the desk sat some of the most grotesque looking humans they'd ever seen. Only their right sides from the armpit down to the leg displayed that they were once men, the rest was covered in grey, lumpy deformities. They're faces were twisted into bitter, toothy visages.

Three members sat at the desk, obviously the Chief Councilors, their name tags reading 'Ismail', 'Toorc' and 'Geleb'. A small number of lower level minions stood motionless behind them. They were currently being addressed by Geleb, who was going through a questionnaire with them.

"Now, you mean to tell me that your reason for requesting an all out battle with us is to purge the land of our corruption and eventually destroy the Lord Mephisto?"

"Yes."

The Council burst into roars of laughter.

"That's pathetic! What, no fame? Glory? Cash? Women… or men in your case. Your reasons are… disgustingly noble."

"Thanks."

"That's not a complement. Please come back in 2 to 3 business weeks when you've got your priorities straight. Next!"

The 3 Head Councilors immediately went back to their paperwork. Meleezon and Ick stood unmoving. After a few minutes had past, Geleb glanced up at them over his spectacles.

"What? Does the concept of 'go away' elude your feeble minds?"

"We're here to kill you guys, and we're not leaving till that's achieved."

"I'm sorry, that'd be in violation of-"

"We don't care what we violate, dammit!"

The councilors went silent and peered at their advisories suspiciously.

"And what will you do if we don't comply?"

"This!" yelled Ick. With an impressive martial art side kick, his foot smashed into a nearby file cabinet. It exploded open, sending papers flying in all directions. The Council Minions gasped, a look of disbelief and shock on their twisted faces. The Chiefs sat motionless.

"How… dare you!" said Ismail at last.

"Those were organised by name, date AND blood type!" screamed Toorc, "It'll take me years to sort them all out again!"

"Sort this!" Meleezon swung Soulflay high and smashed the desk clean in half. Questionnaires and ticket numbers joined other fluttering paperwork. The three chiefs jumped into action, sparks literally leaping from their fingertips.

"That does it! We will not stand by idly while you destroy year's worth of hard work and pointless forms. We're going…" Geleb paused dramatically, "ON STRIKE!"

The minions gasped again. Meleezon covered her mouth and looked surprised.

"You wouldn't!" she said with faux concern.

"We would! And not only that, we're going to send you FORMAL COMPLAINTS! Signed none-the-less. You're really in the doodie now. Minions!" Toorc motioned to the waiting members behind him, "Bring me the forms to fill out to acknowledge we are about to engage in postal war."

Meleezon and Ick looked at each other.

"Oh no! What'll we do? I know, let's kill them before anyone hears about our reckless actions."

The Councilors, suddenly realizing they may have made critical errors, began to back away.

"Erm… well maybe we can waver the formal complaints. And I spose it won't take long for us to right the filing." The others nodded in agreement.

Meleezon and Ick advanced.

"Wait! C'mon! We were just kidding! We'll give you anything you want!"

"Oh yes? What do you have to offer?"

Geleb looked around and snatched at something lying on the floor.

"Pencil?" he offered weakly, "No wait, stapler! Used officially by Mephisto, I swear!"

Meleezon shook her head.

"Time to sign off boys."

Geleb sighed and dropped the pencil.

"Dammit. This is all your fault Ismail. I told you we should have moved to a small tax free island somewhere."

---Fast Forward – Carnage Later---

Meleezon rested against a pillar and watched the delicate pieces of paper wafting about. The floor was a mess of red stained questionnaires, but at least it'd make the clean up easier. Ick was busy rifling through one of the undestroyed filing cabinets.

"…Froad Fungus… Gonaherpes: The Silent Killer… Hispanic Literacy Tests… Igloos For Dummies… Jungle Jiving Made Easy… Khalim – whoa! Meleezon check this out!"

From the filing draw he pulled a medium sized 3-tailed mace. At the end of each tail was a small locket in the shape of a human organ; a heart, a brain and an eye. Ick swung it about abit and succeeded in bashing his wrists severely.

"Eh, you take it. I have no use for the bloody thing." He tossed it to Meleezon who examined it for a few seconds, then shoved it into her back pack.

"So what'll we do now? Go back to the docks? I imagine people will want to start moving back into the city now the council has gone."

"Not quite yet," said Ick grimly, "The lower levels of Kurast will still be crawling with creatures, and Mephisto still lurks in the towers depths."

"Well, why don't we go kill him?"

He shook his head.

"Not that easy. The tower has been sealed for as long as I can remember. By that." He pointed to glowing orb on a pedestal near a far wall. "That keeps the pathway to below shut as long as it's intact. And as far as I know, there's no one left who remembers how to destroy it."

He sighed softly.

"I'm going to stay here Meleezon. Clean out the area and hopefully restore some order. The other heroes will be back soon and that'll make the clean up a lot quicker. Perhaps we'll meet again when you've found a way to break into the tower."

Meleezon nodded understandingly and opened her portal.

"Don't be long" she heard him call after her, as she stepped through and disappeared.

**Next Blog: I Tort I Taw a Tweety Boyd… **


	23. Blog 23 – Human Flavour

Blog 23 – Cannibalism is Highly Under-Rated

"I… can't… TAKE IT!"

It'd been three days since the assault on the Council Chambers. Now Meleezon and a newly resurrected Divo stood outside Ormus' Pyramid impatiently. Every inch of exposed flesh was covered in bug bites. Divo had taken to gnawing on her arm to relieve the itch, earning her some odd looks as well as a bad taste in her mouth.

A bald man came to the door of the pyramid and looked at his time piece. Watching it carefully, he lifted up the "Closed" sign and began to turn it around.

"Yes!" Divo sighed with relief.

Ormus flipped the sign around.

"Almost Open," it read.

"No!" Divo said in despair.

Still looking at his time piece, the bald man finally flipped the sign over once more.

"Open"

"Hooray!"

Divo burst through the doorway, Meleezon strolled in casually behind.

"Ormus greets you! Ormus sees you've met the local wildlife. Would you like Ormus to give you some lotion for that?"

Divo threw herself at his feet.

"Please, if you have anything that can relieve this itch, get it now." Seeing amusement in the mans eyes, she scowled and added;

"Before I break open that shiny dome of yours like a rotten egg."

He gulped and took a step back.

"O-o-rmus will be r-r-ight back," he stammered, scurrying off into a back room.

Meleezon looked impressed.

"Looks like some of my charm is rubbing off on you."

Another man suddenly came into the shop.

"Excuse me, have you seen Ormus? I have a really bad pain in my chest and –"

Divo lunged forward and grabbed the man by the scruff of his robe, lifting him off the ground. She pulled his face very close to hers.

"If you delay the itch relief so help me I rip your heart out myself. Now kindly crawl away and cardiac arrest somewhere else."

She dropped the man, who immediately ran away whimpering, and Meleezon raised an eyebrow.

"… Or is it possible someone got a few bug bites in undesirable places?"

Divo looked at her with pleading eyes.

"The itch… it's killing me… can't scratch… must… scratch."

Ormus suddenly came out with a small vial in his hand.

"Here. Put this on the bites, it'll sooth the itch. But don't put-"

Divo snatched it from his hands.

"Thank GOD! I'll be back in a second," she cried, running to the ladies room.

Ormus began jumping up and down in distress.

"No no no! She didn't listen to Ormus! She's going to screw it up!"

"What do you mean?"

"She didn't stay long enough for Ormus to tell her; don't put too much on. The ointment doubles as camouflage cream. More then a thin layer will activate chameleon properties in the skin."

"… You mean she'll blend in with her environment?"

"In theory. Ormus hasn't worked it all out yet. At the moment all it does is change colour with emotions."

"Uh oh. So in other words we're going to see how she's feeling through her skin colour?"

"Correct. 'Emotion Lotion' we have nicknamed it. Ormus sells it to disgruntled couples who fear their partner is cheating. Also help identify who has the bad gas."

"… This place is beginning to amuse me."

Divo suddenly came bounding out of the ladies room.

"I'm back! Oh that feels so much better."

Meleezon watched as her Rogue companion's skin changed to a pale blue. Her mouth opened in awe. Divo picked up on the surprised look, and the silence settling around her.

"What? WHAT? Did I tuck my skirt into my undies again?" She changed colour to a hot pink. Meleezon couldn't help but giggle.

"Erm… I think we need to have a chat with Ormus here."

--- Fast Forward – 20 Minutes Later---

"So that's it. Either wash it off and go itchy, or put up with changing colours every time you feel different."

It was no contest.

"Changing colours I can handle for a day. The itch… that's another thing."

"Well then! Ormus is glad all is good. Please don't hesitate to look at Ormus's other goods. Special shampoo; change hair any colour you want! Also doubles as delouser!"

"Thanks, Ormus, I think we'll be right."

Satisfied and less itchy, the duo left the pyramid.

"Hey Meleezon, do you want some?"

"No… the itch doesn't bother me all that much. I grew up in a jungle remember? The bugs there are so big if they bite you in your sleep your likely to wake up minus an arm."

"… We aren't close enough friends that I'll have to come and visit you one day, are we?"

"No, I think I'd prefer to visit your Monastery anyway."

"Phew."

They silently walked down the rickety walkway and stood at the sinking gates.

"You know, one day we're really going to have to go out there," Divo said thoughtfully, looking at the dark, dripping jungle beyond.

Meleezon nodded in agreement.

"You're right. And I think today is the day. My Zon-Senses are tingling; something important is out there."

Divo looked at her curiously.

"Are you sure it's not just that time of month?"

"No. I'm positive. If it was you'd be dead right about now."

"Oh…" Divo turned a light yellow, indicating her nervous fear.

"Get your bow; we'll meet back here in 10 minutes."

--- Fast Forward – 10 Minutes Later ---

"All ready- whoa! What is with your colour now?"

Divo looked at her arms in surprise. They were a dark purple.

"Oh! Erm… I have no idea what causes that… maybe it's just the thought that we're about to go into a deep, dark, monster infested jungle rife with leeches and snakes and other unidentified creatures ready to drain our life away."

"Or perhaps it's that brown thing stuck to your shoe?"

"… I was reeeaaaalllly hoping you wouldn't notice that."

--- Fast Forward – Hours Later ---

"Eh, how's the tingle going? Has it tingled once since we left? Was there even a tingle? What the HELL are we doing in this jungle, you crazy blonde bimbo!"

Meleezon turned towards her Rogue companion in utter shock.

"You really don't like the jungle, do you, Divo?"

"How can you tell?" Divo was currently an amber colour, obviously annoyed.

The locals had told them the part of the jungle outside the docks was called "The Spider Forest" but so far that hadn't seen a single arachnid. Giant mosquitoes, goo belching frogs, but no spiders. The long twisting river they had been told to follow apparently led all the way to Kurast, and it was a much easier route then going into the jungle on either side of it.

"Wait," said Meleezon suddenly. She put her hand up to stop Divo's movements.

"Wha-"

"Sshhh. The tingle. It's coming this way."

To Divo's surprise, Meleezon seemed to slip into the shadows of the jungle and disappear completely.

"How… what… Meleezon where'd you go?"

"I'm right here," she heard the whispered reply. "I'm just blending in. Every Amazon knows how to do it."

"But I don't!" A loud growl not far away told her whatever Meleezon was hiding from was getting closer. "Help! I can't hide."

There was silence for a few seconds, then:

"Divo, Scott the Great sent me a letter yesterday."

"Really!"

"Yeah. He said he wants to take me away to his big mansion where we can eat éclairs and ride unicorns all day long."

"WHAT? That's so unfair! I am SO JEALOUS!" Divo's skin immediately turned a dark green. Meleezons hand shot out and grabbed her, pulling her into the undergrowth.

"There you see? All camouflaged." They waited silently, listening to the chirps of insects around them.

Suddenly, a creature lumbered into view. It looked like a gorilla; the hunched back, walking on its knuckles, but the face and skin was clearly reptilian. Spines covered it all over and large protruding teeth dripped with drool. It stopped not far from the women's hiding spot and began to sniff around.

"That's… your tingle?" Divo whispered in disgust.

"Seems like it. Look; its hand."

The creature held a small bag in its left hand, which obviously once belonged to a human. This was easier to tell because the creature had never bothered to remove the owner's arms from the straps. Ape-boy sniffed around a bit longer, then sat down heavily.

"Are we going to kill him?"

"I assume so. I want to know what's in that bag. Give him a few more minutes though; it looks like he's preparing for a nap or something."

Sure enough, the big lizard-apes eyes began to droop. Its head slouched forward on its chest. A few minutes later, its breathing began to get rhythmic and short. It was snoring.

"Ok…" Meleezon appeared out of the shadows and began to creep towards the beast. "I'm going to try and take the bag very carefully. You cover me; if he wakes up, be a good hireling and through your body at it. I'll escape while his busy chewing on your corpse."

"Or perhaps I could just shoot it with my bow?"

"Sure, if you want to do it the boring way."

Meleezon crept closer, watching the sleeping beast's face closely. Its eyes were definitely closed. Flies buzzed around its drooling jaws, where she could see ragged bits of flesh hanging from the teeth. It lifted its arm subconsciously to swat them away.

"Almost… little closer…" she reached the bag and began to carefully pry it from the creatures grip. He only held it by the strap, which made it easier to slip through the big claws. Inch by inch… carefully… until –

Meleezon slipped the bag free and grinned.

"Well, that was easy enough," she whispered. She started to undo the straps to open it and found the arm got in the way. Wrinkling her nose, she untangled it and threw it over her shoulder.

"Hey, Divo, catch."

Unfortunately for her, Divo had been looking in the other direction, and upon turning at the sound of her name, received a face full of rotting fist.

"AARRGHHHHH!" she screamed, swatting the dismembered limb away.

With a start the lizard-ape leapt to its feet. Still half-asleep and slightly confused, it swung its body around, looking for the source of the noise. It spotted the two women and halted in surprise.

"RRARRGHH!" it bellowed, jaw open wide.

"AAHHHH!" replied the wiomen.

"AARRRR!"

"AAHHHHH!"

"ARRGGG-" and then both parties turned and fled.

---Fast Forward – A Long Way Down Stream ---

-Huff huff puff- "Ok… I think we've lost him now."

They looked over their shoulder just to make sure. Meleezon leaned against a tree, still holding the bag tight.

"Yeah… actually I don't think he was following us even. I think we scared him as much as he scared us." She looked down at the bag she was still carrying. "Let's see what we risked our lives for anyway."

Carefully undoing the clips, Divo came in closer as she lifted up the flaps. Pausing for a second, Meleezon reached in and pulled out…

A small, naked man made of jade.

"What… the hell?" Divo said. Her skin when a dark red. She was pissed.

"Oh don't worry, just cause I can't change colour, doesn't mean I'm not as mad as you are. But before we go off on a rant, perhaps we should go back to town and ask around? Maybe someone likes having little naked jade men on their bedside table."

--- Fast Forward – Back in Town ---

The marketplace was a buzz of activity. Situated just across the swamp from the blacksmith, Meleezon had not yet visited this area (or the blacksmith for that matter). Everything from Fresh Squeezed Froad Juice to Mozzy Marinade was being sold here. After a brief scout around, Meleezon spotted the antiquities store.

Smiling sweetly, she strode over to the merchant and plonked the small jade figurine on the bench.

"How much you reckon this is worth?" she asked.

The merchant, who had been busily filling out tax forms (as always) looked up in surprise. His eyes went from the figure, followed up her arm and rested…

"Hey, buddy, the figurine. You don't need to price those."

The merchant coughed.

"Apologies. Ahem, let's have a look." He picked up the figurine and studied it. "Hhmmm… aahhh! Yes, very interesting."

Meleezon rolled her eyes.

"You can quit the 'ooh ahh' routine, I have a friend that usually does this for me; I know the drill."

The merchant sat the jade man back on the table.

"Worthless," he scoffed. "Not to mention tacky. I'll give you 200 gold for it, max, but I'll tell you now; only someone completely devoid of taste and pride would ever want to own something like -"

"NNNNOOOOOOOO!" A scream erupted from the other side of the market place. Running full pelt with his turban trailing, Meshif came hurtling across the square. "Don't do it!"

In a dive pro footballers would have hired him on the spot for, Meshif flew over the desk and grabbed the figurine in his hands. Unfortunately his flight didn't end there, and he barreled into the merchant, knocking him, his stool and the rest of the store down.

After a few minutes of tangled limbs and harsh language, Meshif emerged triumphant, cuddling his prize.

"Oh, sweet figurine, where for art thou been?"

Meleezon screwed up her nose in disgust.

"What on Sanctuary's gotten into you Meshif?"

Meshif stopped his grinning and looked at the confused women.

"Oh… Meleezon, yes I spose this does deserve an explanation. You see, I'm a collector of these," he pointed to the jade man, "and this is the last of the set. I finally outbid everyone for it on Med-Ebay, just before I left for Lut Gholein. Then the owner started claiming he didn't have it anymore. Something about a big ape ripping his arm off… I don't know, but I sure gave him some negative feedback heh heh."

"Ooook then. So now you have your tacky collection complete, what are you going to give me for it?"

Meshif raised an eyebrow.

"Uuummm… oh! I have the perfect thing; I'll be back in 10 minutes."

--- Fast Forward – 10 Minutes Later ---

"You know, he probably isn't coming back, Meleezon."

"Shut up, Divo."

--- Fast Forward – 10 Minutes Later ---

"I'm back! Sorry it took so long. I turned the whole ship inside out looking for it, and finally found it at the bottom of my dirty underwear basket."

He presented a golden bird, wings open as if it was about to take off.

"It's one of a kind."

Meleezon took it and turned it over.

"And just as tacky as the jade man," she added. "Well, it is made of gold; I guess I could trade it in for a decent weapon or something."

She turned to the merchant, who had finished rebuilding his stall and was finally sitting down to resume business.

"Hey merchant, what would you trade me for-"

"NNNOOOOOOOOO!"

A second cry rang out across the market. An old man, perhaps in his late 70's, came flying out of nowhere and crash tackled the bird from Meleezon's hands. Again, the stall was the final destination, and it's possible the merchant invented some new curse words.

"Oh, for god's sake, what is it this time?" Meleezon helped the old man out of the wreckage. He was puffing heavily.

"Oh, I am so very lucky I caught you before you sold it. This bird is unique; one of a kind –"

"I know what unique means."

"Of course you do. But you see, this bird is different. It holds something special."

He pulled the bird's beak, and a small tray under its feet popped open. Everyone peered in, expecting treasure and jewels. A group sigh was shared when they saw the contents.

"This is the cremation urn of the mage Ku Y'leh. I've read a lot into this. It is said he was searching for the secret to eternal life, and apparently the secret isn't going around trying to get samples from large angry reptiles."

"I see," said Meleezon, who didn't. "This is all very fascinating, but it doesn't explain why you went to such an effort to stop me trading it."

The old man shook his head.

"Oh, it is special, wonderful things! Come to 'Alkors Pot Shop' on the other side of town in 20 minutes, and I'll explain further."

Alkor pottered off, and Divo perked up.

"You know, he's probably not going to be ther-"

"Divo, shut up."

--- Fast Forward – 20 Minutes Later ---

"Ah, you're here! Come in! Come in!"

Meleezon and Divo stepped gingerly into the run down potion store. It was crammed full of junk, probably all ingredients for Alkor's strange smelling concoctions. 

The old man himself was standing behind a work desk completely covered in intricate apparatuses. He had a metal head band on, from which a large magnifying lens covered one eye. To his left sat a fat cauldron bubbling with a strange liquid.

"Here, look what I've made!"

He gestured to the cauldron with pride. Taking a vial from the work bench, he dipped it into the liquid, then offered it Meleezon. The stuff inside swirled and changed colour from green to red constantly. Meleezon moved over and took it in her hand suspiciously.

"What… is this?"

Alkor grinned.

"Well, with the help of some ancient texts and a copy of this month's Cosmedievil Cooking Monthly, I've made a life potion from the ashes inside the bird!"

Meleezon's mouth opened in shock and she quickly handed it back.

"It's brewed HUMAN!"

"Yes. What's so strange about that?" 

"No one's going to want that! You're not supposed to DRINK people."

Alkor sighed.

"Oh. Well I guess you won't be wanting any then. Pity. Could have helped you a lot in your journeys. I mean, who doesn't want a bit of extra life. Never mind. I'll just sell it to some rapscallions I guess." 

Meleezon nodded.

"You do just that, cause I'll be damned if I'm drinking it."

She turned to leave.

"Oh, look at this! How did this get here?" 

Meleezon turned back to see what the old man was talking about. He held a frothy mug of beer in his hand.

"My my, what a lovely beer this is. Would you like some?"

She took a step forward.

"B…b…beer?" her mouth was beginning to water.

"Yes. Mmmmmm lovely beer- OOPS! Oh dear! Silly me I just poured the entire vial of life potion in there. How clumsy I am."

She saw his evil grin, the strange potion swirling within the beers depths. The bubbles called to her. It was too hard to resist.

"Must… have… beer."

"That's right. It's all yours. Drink up."

Meleezon took the brew in her hands, as if in a trance, and drank it down. Divo grimaced and turned bright green.

"Ewww… Meleezon, you just drank a guy! Although… I'm willing to bet you've probably done worse in the past."

Meleezon put down the mug and burped loudly.

"Aaahhh… that beer had a real body to it. Best I've had!"

Alkor smiled.

"You're welcome. And don't worry about payment; it was through your help that I managed to get hold of the bird, and now we have the power to heal anyone on the docks that falls ill or gets injured. Plus if you let me keep the gold bird I'll call it even."

"For beer that good, I would have traded you Divo."

"Hey!" 

"Kidding… (seriously I would have)"

The old man waved them away.

"I'm glad I could help. Now I must go about bottling the potion for civilian consumption. Please leave me to my work. Goodbye." 

Meleezon and Divo turned and walked out.

"Best… beer… ever," Meleezon was heard mumbling. Then she coughed and spat something out. "Yuck, bone."

**Next Blog: Will be the Most Far Fetched Yet!**


	24. Blog 24 – HistoriZon

Blog 24 - HistoriZon: Journals of a Large Rodent

Meleezon stumbled into the town square still disorientated and rubbing sleep from her eyes. She spotted Divo on the edge of the crowd and wandered over.

"What the hell is all the noise about? I was getting half decent sleep for once."

Divo grabbed her arm excitedly.

"Oh they found something - someONE - in the ocean. They've pulled him out, alive, but barely." 

Meleezon grimaced.

"Great. And I see you've washed the Emotion Lotion off."

"Yeah, the itch has stopped now. I've kept the tub though in case we need it later."

Suddenly a voice rose from the crowd.

"Ok people, step back, give him some room."

Warning bells went off in Meleezon's head.

"Him? Oh no, don't tell me. Oh god it can't be, please tell me it's not-"

"Cain!" Divo cried when the old man stumbled out from among all the people. "It is you! How are you?" She made to give him a hug; "You look-" and saw the state he was in; "-wet." 

Cain did indeed look worse for wear. His robe was tattered and water logged, an octopus had taken up residency in one pocket, and his bald head had become home to a host of barnacles and crustaceans. Again, he looked as if he'd aged a good few years. ("350 now?" Divo pondered later.)

Meleezon sighed.

"Oh, Cain, you didn't do what I think you did, did you?"

He looked over at the sound of her voice, and smiled broadly.

"Meleezon! I made it after all!" then he stood tall. "Indeed I did, I-" 

"Swam all the way here from Lut Gholein." Meleezon shook her head. "I can't believe it. Honestly, who would do that by their own free will?"

Cain looked unsettled.

"Well, actually this time it wasn't my choice. Apparently the people of Lut Gholein didn't like me bathing in their well very much, so one night when I was sleeping they packed me into a ship, sailed out to the middle of the ocean and dumped me overboard. I woke up, cold and wet, and figured since I was already halfway there I might as well swim the rest of the way to Kurast."

Meleezon looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Cain... why? Why?"

He shrugged.

"What else could I do? Wait around for the sharks and fishes to nibble me to death? Besides, I figured you might need my help again. I know a lot about Kurast."

Meleezon stood firm, her hands on her hips.

"No, I don't. Everything is going smooth and to plan, no problems what so-"

"We're stuck," interrupted Divo. "Meleezon and Ick managed to defeat the Council, but they can't get into the temple to take on Mephisto. There's something called the Compelling Orb sealing it."

Cains eyes widened.

"Great Scott -"

"Where?" 

"- the Compelling Orb! I completely forgot about it! Yes... yes of course. This calls for the Tale of Khalim! Gather around everyone."

Some people in the crowd looked at the saturated old man quizzingly.

"Us?" 

"Yes you too."

"But we have things to do." 

"Stay awhile and listen. C'mon!"

"But we don't want -"

"SIT DOWN OR I'LL ASS WHOOP EVERY ONE OF YOU!"

--- Fast Forward - 4 Hours Later ---

The townspeople applauded Cain as he finished his tale, then hurriedly dispersed before he started another one. As much as they enjoyed his story, they had families to feed. Cain looked worn out.

"I hope you got all that, because I'm not repeating it."

Meleezon snored loudly. Divo gave her a hard shove.

"Huh, what? Scott, is that you?"

"Oh, Meleezon, you're hopeless. Lucky for you I listened well. I'll give you a quick run down."

"Ok..."

"Ok! Well after the Compelling Orb was made and the Council was corrupted, only the High Priest Khalim remained unswayed by Mephisto's hatred. He had the power to break the orb and destroy the Hell Lord, but before he could, the Council chopped him up into little bits and hid them all over Kurast. Luckily Cain knows where they hid the bits."

"Oh. Lucky."

"Yeah. His eye is in the lair of some reealllyy nasty ancient spiders -" 

"What...?"

" - his brain is guarded by the Witch Doctor of a enormous group of nasty flesh eating midgets, deep in a trap filled dungeon -"

"What?"

" - and his heart is in the depths of the Kurast sewers."

"WHAT?" Meleezon leapt to her feet. "There is NO WAY I'm doing ANY of those things. Sewers? Once was enough! Spiders? I'm ARACHNOPHOBIC! And flesh hungry midgets? ... well them I could probably handle. But the rest is bullcrap!" She crossed her arms, pouted and stomped a foot. "I won't do it."

Cain crossed his arms too.

"Young lady, you'll do as you're told! The future of Kurast depends on you!"

"I won't."

"You will!"

"I won't! I hate you, I hate you!" She stomped around a bit. "Wait... I need a door to slam. No tantrum is complete without a door slam." She spotted Ormus's Pyramid and stormed over. 

-SLAM-

"Ow! Ormus's nose! Ormus thinks you broke his nose!"

"Oops. Sorry Ormus."

--- Fast Forward - Later ---

"Ok OK! I'm packed already. Anything to stop the 'fate of the world in your hands' crap."

"Good," said Divo sternly. "First stop; Spider Cavern." Divo suddenly froze and stared straight ahead. "Hey Meleezon," she pointed, "who're they?"

Meleezon followed Divo's finger until her eyes rested on two strange figures.

It was another Amazon; the familiar blonde hair and... assets making her sure of that. The other was an Amazon male, but he was wearing the attire of a Necromancer. Both their clothes were coloured a brownish-green, and they stood straight and rigid as if awaiting orders. They had been talking softly to each other before Divo had pointed them out; now they were staring suspiciously.

"You!" the female said suddenly, "You vill identify yourself, now!"

Meleezon recognized the accent immediately. It all clicked. The clothing, the posture, the manner of speech. She rolled her eyes and slapped her forehead.

"Oh no. First Cain, now them? Could this day get any worse?"

Divo looked at her sideways.

"Them?" she asked.

Meleezon watched the two walking towards them and sighed.

"They're Amazons. Even the male. But not from the same tribe as me. They are different; different people, different beliefs, different part of the island. They are... the Gerbils."

"Gerbils? Huh? I don't get it. Tell me!"

"Are you kidding? That'd take longer then Cain, and they've almost reached us already."

"Well use the flashback thingy."

"What?"

"The flashback thingy. Make everything go all wavy."

"... That could work. How do I do it? Hmmm... wait what does this -"

--- Flashback - Amazon Isles ---

Long ago, the Amazons all lived in one unified tribe. They did this peacefully... for about 3 weeks. Then, obvious cracks began to form in the community; those who liked men, and those who liked castrating men. It became apparent that harmony was impossible.

A small group of Amazons took the men and retreated to the western part of the island. There they formed a society of their own, one where men were allowed to become whatever they wanted. Doctors, librarians, Necromancers... it was atrocious. Everyone in the main tribe knew they wouldn't last long, and they were right.

Slowly, the rebel tribe began to dwindle as the men got to lazy to take out the trash or wash daily. Women were so busy fetching beer they had no time to hunt food for their families. 

But then something strange happened.

One day, on a beach not far from the rebel tribe, a box washed ashore. On top of the box, starved and close to death, was a rodent. As he was rather cute, they decided to help the poor bedraggled thing and proceeded to take him into their care.

Inside the box, the tribe elders found what is assumed to be the rodents belongings; a running wheel, 2 empty bags of millet, an autographed photo of one 'Satan', and a large bundle of books, labels on the front reading "Journals of Hamster/Damenphis".

The rodent had a name. Curious to know more, the elders delved into the journals, eager to uncover the secrets within:

-----

Damenphis, it seemed, was a demon from another world. Another dimension in fact; where he once served his own Hell Lord. But one fateful day, Damenphis accidentally put milk instead of cream in his Dark Lords coffee, a mistake that cost him his demonic position.

As punishment, his Lord banished him to the real world; a place much like Sanctuary where men and women also existed. There his twisted soul found and inhabited a body, and when Damenphis awakened he found himself within...

A rodent. Or to be more precise; a Hamster. Dismayed, Damenphis learned his owner was a worker at an Art Gallery, a place so boring that the only time it would be worth looking at was when it was burning down. Damenphis withdrew into himself, saddened and alone, and prepared for an eternity pooping in a sand box.

However, one day, while running in his wheel, divine inspiration struck. Though he was a rodent, he was a larger-then-normal-_immortal_-rodent, and he still maintained a lot of his demonic powers. Evil plans began to form in his mind as he chewed on a corn cob. Plans... for world domination.

Over the course of many months, Hamster/Damenphis snuck into his owners bedroom and used his powers of persuasion to fill the humans mind with thoughts as he slept. He spoke of fame, power, glory, and all you can eat buffets. The world could be his. Slowly, the man's grasp of reality began to slip, and he found himself believing the voice in his dreams.

Realising that the will of one man might not be enough, Hamster called upon his smaller rodent cousins, the gerbils. After extensive training, the gerbils were released all over the surrounding country side to spread Hamsters word to the people.

The diaries from this point till the final book detailed the Great War that ensued once Hamsters 'master' gathered his army and rose up against the world. Damenphis had a large hand in this; detailed battle plans and military tactics littered the journals, ready to be recited into his owner's ear when he slept.

The last journal, however, detailed Hamsters ultimate downfall:

As the years droned on, it became apparent that Hamster's puppet - although his confidence was great - was beginning to weaken. The battles were slipping from his grasp, and his fellow people doubting his cause. In a last ditch effort to save the plan, Damenphis revealed himself to the unsuspecting human. Shocked beyond belief that the voice he'd been following all this time was in fact his pet, the man promptly shot himself.

Thus, the war was lost and the phrase 'oops' coined all in one day.

Unfortunately for H/D, the troubles didn't end there. One of his gerbil cousins betrayed him for 5 bags of grain and a bottle of golden syrup, and suddenly everyone from Demon Hunters to Pest Control was out for his furry little behind. 

Seeing no other choice, Hamster packed his belongings and with the help of his demonic powers (and some willing gerbil virgins) he opened a gateway into another dimension. He entered, never to return.

And fell straight into an ocean.

---

The rogue tribe's elders finished the journals in shock. There, in their very camp, was a furry demon capable of world domination. There in their own camp... was the chance they'd been waiting for.

When Hamster had recovered sufficiently enough, they questioned him on the journals authenticity. He claimed every word was true. There was much rejoicing around the camp and with hopeful hearts they asked him to be their leader, which he promptly accepted.

Very little is known about what the tribe did after that, as they severed all connections with the outside word. When they eventually made themselves known, they had changed dramatically.

They had undergone rigorous military training and were highly skilled and disciplined. Their attire had changed to a camouflaged green colour, and they had even adopted the language and accent of hamster's previous home. They also had a new name; The Gerbils, after the cousins that played such a vital role in Hamsters previous world domination attempt.

News traveled quickly of the Gerbils ambitions, and all over the world lands readied themselves for an impending attack. The people waited posed, ready to defend at all costs.

But no attack came.

Intelligence says that Hamster/Damenphis grew accustomed to the high life, growing fat on the foods provided by his village. His ambitions shrank from conquering the world, to claiming the Amazon Isles, to annexing tonight's roast chicken without choking on any bones.

The tribes status shrank from "Terrifying Demon Ruled Military Society" to "Slightly Intimidating Obese-Hairball Ruled Minions". The world feared Hamster no more.

Then the Three were exiled from Hell, the Horadrim started their holy campaign to right the wrong, and the Amazons were all but forgotten.

--- End Flashback - Kurast Docks ---

"And that's the tale of Hamster/Damenphis and the Gerbils," finished Meleezon. 

"Woooooowww.." said Divo, wide eyed, "A talking Hamster! I want one!"

"Divo, it was possessed! Call me crazy but I don't fancy having a demon as a pet, no matter how cute and cuddly he is."

"Guten Tag. Now, I ask you again; vhat is your name?"

Meleezon had almost forgotten about the pair that had started the whole history flashback. Now they stood in front of her, clipped and at attention. Divo gulped and hid slightly behind Meleezon. The male Gerbil narrowed his eyes.

"You vill answer zee question, or face zee wrath of the followers of Hamster."

**Next Blog: Dude, Vhere's Mein Eyeball?**


	25. Blog 25 – Spiders and EyeScream

_Blog 25 - Spiders and Eyes-Scream_

"I'm Meleezon, and the rogue cowering behind is my trusty companion, Divo."

The two green-brown clad Amazons looked her up and down and snorted.

"Ah yes, 'zee Meleezon'. Vee 'ave 'eard of you, even in our corner of zee island."

Divo raised an eyebrow.

"Meleezon, what're they talking about?"

She didn't answer, only glared back at her distant kin with hard eyes.

"And you would be servants of the great and mighty Hamster, correct?" 

At the sound of their leader's name, the two Amazons clicked their heels together and saluted.

"Heil Hamster!" they said simultaneously. Then the female looked back towards Meleezon. "I am Kriemhild, and zis is Knochengeist. But vee prefer Agent K and Agent G."

"Agents?" Meleezon asked, "What mission has Hamster -"

"Heil Hamster!"

" - sent you on now?"

The two Gerbils immediately stiffened, noses raised high.

"Excuse us. Vee must dizcuss."

Meleezon and Divo waited while they talked quietly to each other in a language they didn't understand. Finally, Agent K stamped her foot and stood at attention.

"Vee 'ave decided you can be trusted. Lord Hamster has sent us on a qvest of utmost importance. Vee are to find a vay into Hell, subdue and capture Diablo and return him to base camp Alpha. From zere, Hamster has readied many torture devices zat vill help convert him to our cause."

"And what's that? Growing fatter live stock to feed his obeseness?" 

G shot her an icy stare.

"Lord Hamster is on a diet; 'All you can eat but no carbs.' It is vorking vonders - gas emissions aside - and his desire for Vorld Domination is returning."

Divo gasped.

"The Carb Monster! I've heard about this back at the Monastery. He lurks everywhere, invisible, just waiting to strike. A sister of mine tried to be good on her diet, but somewhere along the way she snuck a chocolate sundae. Three years later: BAM! Cellulite."

K nodded.

"Vee are vell avare of zee dangers. Lord Hamster is under constant surveillance. Now, since vee 'ave told you our mission, I must ask; vot is yours?"

Meleezon and Divo looked at each other and mumbled quietly, then turned back. 

"Exactly what you said, except we plan to convert Diablo with kindness and fluffy objects."

"Vhat? Zat is not funny!"

"It's true."

"You are lying. Vee thought of it first, it's our plan."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"We thought of it three years ago."

"Lord Hamster has been planning zis from zee beginning of time!"

"Has not."

"Has too -"

--- Fast Forward - Many Hours Later ---

"So that's our _real _mission. We were about to head off and get the eyeball now. Did you wish to come along?"

K and G analysed them through squinted eyes.

"How do vee know you von't betray us?"

"What, you mean as in use you to distract the spiders so we can get the eyeball while they're feasting on your flesh? Nnaaahhh... we'd never do that!"

"Hmmm... very vell. But vee shall be vatching you."

--- Fast Forward - Many Hours Later, Deep in the Spider Forest ---

"I am not liking zis forest. Zat is the third time I have stepped in poop."

"My, G, you certainly have a way with words."

All four travelers were trudging through the dense foliage of the jungle, sweating heavily from the humidity. Meleezon felt like she was swimming in her armour.

"Ugh. This reminds me of home. No wonder I left."

"Not vot I heard..." muttered K.

They were just considering heading back when Divo let out a scream. They all turned, expecting an attack, and instead saw the Rogue wrestling with herself.

"Get it off get it off!' she screamed again.

Meleezon went over to help, and saw she was covered in thin white strands. Spider webs.

"I think we're getting close guys," she mused while picking web from Divo's hair.

K, who had walked on ahead, called back:

"Closer then you think, Fräulein Meleezon." She waved towards a gaping hole in the ground beside her, almost completely covered in thick web. "I believe zis is vot vee are looking for."

"Well, the quicker we get down there the quicker we can get back," Meleezon grimaced, silently wishing she could wait outside while the others went in. Divo followed close behind as they descended into the gloomy hole.

"Ew. Gross. So gross. Worse then when I was pushed through the slime wall."

--- Fast Forward - Spider Cavern ---

The natural formed cave reeked of death and wet earth. Cocooned carcasses and thoroughly gnawed bones littered the floor, and strange green puddles pooled in the dips. The foursome crept down the narrow passageways cautiously.

"Zere is somezing big down here," G said. "Somezing very big."

"How do you know that?"

"Look at zee size of the poop I just stepped in," he replied, pointing to his foot.

"Hmm... you're right. Very big."

They continued to creep forward; Meleezon and Agent 'K' Kriemhild in front, Divo and Agent 'G' Knochengeist covering the rear. K had her spear raised high, using it to slash apart the spider webs growing fastly thicker in their path. A slight downhill sloop told them there were slowly going deeper into the earth.

As K cut the final web, the corridor opened up into a large cavern. The rounded shape suggested that unlike the rest of the cave, this had been burrowed out. The roof was a collage of webs and tangled tree roots, and large holes in the floors and walls did not go unnoticed. But it was the large ornately carved chest that sat at the far end that caught their eyes.

"Impressive," muttered G as they entered the cavern.

As they studied the room around them, thousands of tiny spiders emerged unseen from the corridor behind. With incredible speed and dexterity, they wove an intricate web over the mouth of the tunnel, and by the time Divo turned back to the exit it had been completely sealed over. 

"Err... guys?" she stuttered, pushing against the web and almost getting thoroughly stuck. "I think we may have just walked into a trap." 

G turned to see the blocked passageway for himself and paled.

"I suggest vee grab zee eye and portal out of 'ere. I am not liking zis at all."

He made to run to the chest, but Meleezon grabbed and pulled him back fiercely.

"Wait!" 

Seconds later, a massive tangle of abdomen and legs fell from a hole in the ceiling and crashed on the chest. The giant red-tinged spider glared at them through her multiple, unblinking eyes.

Meleezon cringed in response.

"Spiders... is there anything grosser?"

"Besides zee bottom of my shoe at zee moment: I'd have to zay, nein." 

The spider clicked its fangs together in reply, daring them to have a go at the chest she was so defensively roosted on.

"Wait, I think I know about this," Divo said suddenly. "Cain mentioned it in his tale. This is Sszark, one of the ancient spiders. Apparently the council told her if she guarded the eye she could eat any human that came to claim it. I'd say she's been doing pretty well."

They glanced around at the bones and armour littering the floor. Not bad at all.

K suddenly hefted her spear and moved forward.

"Vell, I don't plan on being big spiders breakfast. Take zat!" She hurled the spear directly at its head, but was startled when Sszark merely swatted it from the air as she would an insect. She'd obviously had alot of practice in the past.

Meleezon gulped as the now angry arachnid gave a snarl and leapt off its chest, crawling towards them.

"Uummm... maybe we should come back later. With a really big can of Raid-" 

-FLIT- 

An arrow streaked past and imbedded itself in Sszarks oversized abdomen. Oozing orange goo and screaming a high pitched squeal, she immediately backed off towards the chest again.

Answering cries suddenly drifted from the holes in the floor and walls, and withi seconds eight more spiders emerged. These were green-tinged and just as big as Sszark; the venom dripping from their fangs thick and potent.

"Children of Sszark ay? Well done Divo, I think you pissed them off."

--- Fast Forward ---

G launched another bone spear and ripped the leg off the spider advancing on him. It slowed, but crawled on anyway with frightening determination.

In a corner, Meleezon was battling her phobia's more then just metaphorically, taking on two spiders at once. Divo stood by her side firing arrow after arrow in the arachnid's fat bodies.

Four of the spiders now lay thrashing on the ground; two incapacitated beyond the ability to continue fighting, the others well and truly dead. And at the far end, oozing goo from the wound in her abdomen, Sszark still sat on the chest, chirping in fury.

K finished off the spider she was fighting and snarled at the ancient red one, who glared back just as fiercely. Without warning Sszark suddenly fell flat and raised her abdomen high above her. A stream of super-sticky web streamed out and hit K's arm, flinging the spear from her grasp. With a hard tug, the spider pulled the Amazon off her feet and slowly began to reel her in.

Desperate and mere meters away from poison filled mandibles, K pulled a nifty knife from her boot and began to slash at the web. It merely stuck to the blade, fraying but not breaking. Sszark chirped in glee and prepared to sink her fangs into K's shoulder, but before she could the Amazon pulled the knife free and thrust it deep into the spiders clustered eyes.

Sszark gave a scream and fell backwards off the chest. K immediately took the opportunity and dove forward to open the lid. Inside was a single eye, staring up at her expectantly. She grabbed it and shoved it ito her armour.

"Meleezon, I 'ave zee eye. Open a town portal, now!"

Barely hearing her over the sound of squealing spiders, Meleezon shouted in acknowledgment. Raising Soulflay high, she thrust it downwards into a spiders head, and used the support to pole-vault clear over its abdomen. She stumbled to the middle of the room, opened a portal and fell through.

Divo, mimicking Meleezons actions, stepped again on the flailing spiders head and launched herself off its enormous buttocks. She landed gracefully in front of the portal, almost collided with G as he ran past, and quickly followed him through.

K was last to run towards it, and was almost there when a hard tug on her arm sent her reeling back again. Sszark had righted herself and was once again reeling her prey in.

The Amazon screamed in frustration and fought back, making her way inch by inch towards the exit. Sszark, seeing that dinner was about to escape, let go of the web and crouched on the box, ready to pounce. K used the slack she'd been given and tumbled through the portal at last, just as the spider sprang behind her. The portal closed, cutting the web line in half, and a second later Sszark flew through where it had once been.

--- Fast Forward - Kurast Docks ---

All four hero's lay in the square, panting for breath. They were covered in web, dust and spider bits from head to foot; basically looking as if they'd just had a thorough bout of spring cleaning.

"Wow," gasped Divo, "that was really serious."

"Yeah," agreed Meleezon, "there was really nothing funny about that at all. I guess when it comes to spiders; it's just not a laughing matter." 

K coughed and sat up, a broad smile on her face. She pulled the eye from her armour and threw it over to Meleezon.

"Vee fought hard, but in zee end, vee vere victorious."

Meleezon smiled gratefully and grimaced at the small object in her hand that stared back at her.

"I hate spiders," she sighed.

**Next Blog - Been Knife Knowing You**


	26. Blog 26 – Gidbiwhatsamacallit

Blog 26 - Gidbiwhatsamacallit

They had barely stood and dusted themselves off, when a thin, brown skinned man approached them. He wore a red robe/dress and had his hair tied back in a tight ponytail. Waiting patiently till they all noticed him, he politely acknowledged each in turn with a silent nod, then turned to Meleezon and bowed.

"Greetings. Are you the hero known as 'The Breasted One'?"

"Ex_cuse_ me?"

"The Meleezon. Are you the one who is called Meleezon?"

"Oh… why, yes I am."

"This is good."

"And who are you?"

"I am Hralti, the Blacksmith."

"Ooohhh… -that- explains why I've never seen you before."

He snorted in reply.

"I was wondering if I could possibly ask a favour of you?"

"No."

"I'll give you a sticker."

"… Fine what's the favour?

"As you probably know, the only reason this dock hasn't been overrun by the forces of evil is because Ormus and I erected –"

("Hehe, he said 'erected'.")

("Divo shhh.")

"- a magical barrier that protects us. It goes all round the docks like a giant monster-repelling bubble."

"Wow… I didn't know that. Sounds cool."

"Very cool. But unfortunately our spell is weakening. Any day now it could collapse and we'll be open to attack."

"Soooo… you want me to get a really big sewing kit?"

"Wouldn't work. Ormus and I have deduced the only artifact strong enough to help us is something lost long ago: The Blade of the Old Religion, 'The Gidbinn'."

"Hm, a lost knife you say? Well that's lovely, but we really don't have the time. We've got to go back into the forest and find a village full of blood thirsty, flesh feasting midgets and then plunder their dungeon."

"Oh how fortunate!" Hralti clapped his hands in delight, "You're going to play with the Children of the Zakarum? They are the ones who took the blade! They use it to protect their own village, but they don't know how to access its full power. You could break in with very little effort."

Meleezon sighed.

"Alright, Ok I'll find your damned Gidbi-thingy. Why do I always get caught up in this crap?" -sigh- "Where is this village?"

Fast Forward – The Flayer Jungle

"No rest for the vicked, ay Fräulein Meleezon?" G chuckled.

Meleezon grunted but said nothing. It was nearing nightfall and they were deep, deep in the Kurast Jungle. Though they still followed the river, it was obvious that humans hadn't ventured into this area for a long time. It held an aura of evil about it; that eerie feeling like you were constantly being watched, making the hair on the back of your neck stand on end.

In the evening twilight, Meleezon spotted something flicker in the trees. Lights; torches, burning somewhere beyond. She motioned silently for the other to follow.

As they neared the lights, they saw better what they were: two tall totem poles standing either side of a pathway through the trees. Each totem pole was made up of three carved heads, one of top of the other, the masked faces grinning blankly as the heroes approached. One had its hands over its eyes, one its ears, and the last its snickering mouth. Meleezon was unsure of the meaning.

"Ugly little buggers aren't they?" she snorted.

G pulled his wand out.

"I vill scout ahead" he said boldly, "If it is dangerous, I vould prefer it me who is caught and eaten then any of you lovely fräuleins."

The girls blushed at the sentiment.

"Aw G, that's very… wait! Stop!"

Too late, G ran into the invisible barrier between the poles at full force. He was thrown backwards, did a spectacular somersault and landed on his stomach. The women did their best to suppress their giggles.

"Oh G," K choked as she helped him up, "You forgot about the blades protection field. You could have killed yourself."

Meleezon snickered behind her hand.

"Yes, Hralti told us the only way to get through it was to clear our minds of all destructive thoughts. We must fool it into thinking our intentions are good."

As Kriemhild comforted her slightly embarrassed companion, Meleezon approached the two totems until she began to feel resistance. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes tried to empty her mind.

"Clear thoughts… good thoughts… puppies… unicorns… Scott the Great… mmmm…"

When she opened her eyes again she was well past the barrier and about 3 inches off plowing into a tree. She let out a sigh of relief.

Behind her, Agents K and G were passing through with some effort and finally stumbled out on her side. Divo casually walked over to them as if the barrier never existed.

Meleezon tilted her head questioningly.

"How did you do that so easily? What did you think about?"

Divo looked surprised.

"Think?" she said blankly.

Meleezon rolled her eyes.

Fast Forward

The path was longer then they expected; it twisted and turned through the trees, getting narrower and more worn as they progressed. At last they saw more lights in the distance. Not a sound could be heard, even the birds and insects had halted their chorus.

"Don't you think vee vould have heard something by now?" K said cautiously.

Meleezon nodded in agreement.

They rounded a final bend, and there lay the village before them. It was rather quaint really; tiny little stools and thatched huts, so small Meleezon would have to walk in on her knees. Only the large black pot and evil looking figureheads suggested it was a hostile place, though not a living thing yet stirred.

K suddenly gasped and pointed to something on the far edge of camp. Suspended by a string over a small shrine of hay, a small stiletto hung. They knew instantly it had to be the Blade of the Old Religion.

"Ok" whispered Meleezon, "We'll head straight over there, grab the knife and portal out. We can come back later to plunder the dungeon. And whatever you do: Don't. Touch. Anything."

The others nodded in agreement. Silently and carefully, they snuck through the camp, past huts and totems. Divo, unable to contain her curiosity, stopped at the base of a tall stone figurehead to study it.

"Hey Meleezon, check this out. Its mouth has a hole in it." She bent down to peer inside. "Looks like some kind of – OW!"

The scream echoed over the camp, and Divo fell back clutching her forehead. Meleezon rushed over swearing viciously under her breath.

"Dammit Divo I told you not to touch ANYthing"

"I didn't touch, I didn't. I just looked" she whimpered.

Meleezon softened and helped her companion to sit up.

"It's Ok, just try to be quiet now. We might have the whole tribe on us any second."

Silence. Silence. Silence. A snicker to the left. Meleezon shot a glance in the direction of the noise. Nothing. Possibly her imagination.

After a few minutes they released their breath and relaxed.

"I think it's alright" assured Meleezon, "Maybe they've all gone out hunting?" She turned her attention to Divo; "Let me see what's in your forehead."

Carefully prying her hands away from her face, Divo revealed a small metal object stuck in her skin. It was only tiny, but covered completely in sharp metal points that would be deadly if it struck an eye or temple. Divo continued to whimper as Meleezon took hold of it.

"Ok, I'm going to count to three, then pull it out. I want you to know this is going to hurt you more then it's going to hurt me."

"Thanks, that help – wait what?"

"THREE!"

YANK-

"AAH-"

Before she could make anymore noise G clamped his hand over her mouth.  
"You'll be fine. Grin and bear it." He waited until her breathing slowed, then released her.

"Let us grab that damned knife and get out of here."

Moving faster now, they hurried over to the shrine. It sounded as if a wind had picked up; trees and leaves all around them beginning to rustle, but Meleezon felt nothing upon her face. Giving it a quick glance over, she reached out for the blade, only to have her hand slapped away.

"Allow me" G said boldly. "It may be boobie-trapped."

He reached out carefully, and just as his fingers brushed it –

KAFLOOM-

The whole shrine erupted in a massive fireball. The knife completely disintegrated. All around them the ground began to rumble, lightning flashed and thunder growled.

With a small explosion and fair amount of smoke, a masked midget appear before them. His grinning painted face mocked the heroes as he held the Gidbinn high.

"Haha! We tricks you's!" he said in a sinister high-pitched voice. "I has the blade, and yous will have to fights me; Knife Guarder Guardy, if you wants it."

Meleezon raised an eyebrow.

"Knife Guarder Guardy? Alright whatever. Shouldn't be too hard." She cracked her knuckles and took a step forward.

"Wait!" ordered Guardy, raising his hands. He looked at them cautiously, then began to count on his fingers.

"Ones… twos… threes……more then threes… oh hits." He began to back away as the foursome advanced. "Er hehe, I just being silly! I not want to fight you's I just wants… um…" he saw the grim looks on their faces and gulped.

"AAHHH! Witch Doctor HELP!" he cried, turning to run.

FL-SPLAT-

He barely made it two meters before he fell with K's spear protruding from his chest.

"Nice said Meleezon, walking over to pick up the Gidbinn from his hands. "Now I guess we can just go back and –"

"IIYARRGG!"

Suddenly midgets poured out everywhere, from huts, trees, figureheads – some even jumped out of the pot. Before they could react the heroes were completely surrounded.

The midgets masks snickered at them evilly, the giant knives glinted in the torch light. Meleezon was surprised they could even carry such massive weapons; they were almost twice the size of their wielders. But that didn't concern her as much as the blowpipes other midgets held. They could be loaded with anything: rocks, poison darts, those spiky balls that hit Divo… or at the very worst, spitballs.

The circle tightened, forcing the humans to bunch in closer.

"Um, any plans Meleezon?" K asked, already calculating their chances.

A gap suddenly opened in the ring, and tall figure stepped out. He sneered at is his prisoners and signaled the tribe to stop advancing.

Meleezon studied the new comer in surprise; not one but two midgets, one standing on top of the other shoulders like the totem poles. The top ones mask was adorned in bright orange and red decorations. He stopped a few feet from them and snickered.

"Meet Witch Doctor Endugu" the bottom midget wheezed, obviously strained from the carrying effort. The top midget bowed.

"How nice you is to stop bys for dinner" he said. The tribe giggled in unison.

Meleezon rolled her eyes at the poor pun, but said nothing.

The Witch Doctor began to pace – or rather hit his bearer repeatedly until he paced – and tutted to himself.

"Well wells… four scrawny humans, caught in Flayer trap. Why would scrawny humans want our shiny stabby tool?"

K spoke up, spitting her words as if the little devil made her feel ill.

"It is an ancient blade, made for humans. Not disgusting little diaper-fillers like you."

The tribe put their hands on the masks as if in surprise.

"Ooooohhhhhh" they said, sounding shocked and hurt, but then burst into fits of giggles.

"Oohhh human wants insult us?" said Endugu nastily, "Flayers good at that; ahem. You's master, he so fat he eats four moo-cows and go 'What's the main course?'"

As pathetic as the insult was, Meleezon saw it had hit a nerve with the two Gerbils. Lord Hamster did have a reputation. The tribe saw the hurt and made obscene hand gestures.

"Oh yeah?" piped up Divo, "Yo midgets are so small, you won't ever be allowed on the rides of MediEvil Land!"

A hushed silence settled over the tribe. A single baby Flayer burst into tears and ran away into the huts. Endugu growled at them angrily.

"That below belt, it Little Chompies dream to go there one days. You think it funny to ruin childrens dreamies?"

Divo looked embarrassed.

"No... no I'm sorry. I guess that was out of order."

"That right, which makes you dumbs AND ugly!"

The tribe burst into hysterics again, shouts of "Oohhh burned" and "You got served!" ringing in the heroes ears.

Meleezon finally stepped forward and raised her hands.

"Enough! These are the worst insults I've ever heard. Can't you do anything decent?"

"Hmmm... we gots more jokes?" Endugu mused.

"Such as?"

"Why dids the Flayer cross the road? To eat the chicken on the others side!"

Some of the tribe giggled politely but most just nodded their masks.

Meleezon smirked.

"Let me guess; it gets funnier after the 200th time?"

"SILENCE! You do not make funs of Flayer humour. We's very proud of it; we even have comedy nights."

"Ooohhh I bet they go off. What's the prize joke - 'Two midgets walk into a bar: ouch'?"

The tribe gasped.

"She knows!" they whispered, and lapsed into bouts of angry mumbling.

Endugu was silent for a few seconds, then his mask began to shake.

"YOU BEEN SPYING!" he screeched, "No one steal Flayer jokes and lives to tell world; how would we sell our DVD's? We was going to let you's go, but now you must DIE!"

The Flayers begin to advance again, snarling angrily and brandishing their weapons. Divo and the two Gerbils turned to glare at a flushed looking Meleezon.

"Ok so maybe everything I say isn't the most brilliant idea in the world, first time for everything. But I have a plan."

She looked at G, nodded towards his wand and made a choking motion with her hands. He stared blankly for a second, then nodded in agreement.

Meleezon stepped forward and raised her arms again.

"Wait! I come offering new jokes! Really funny ones too!"

The tribe halted. Endugu tilted his mask curiously.

"Oh? Tells now, and they better be funnies or we skins you."

Meleezon cleared her throat.

"Ahem. What do you get when you cross Diablo with the worlds most viscous Chihuahua?"

Mumbles. Snickers. Scratching heads.

Endugu thought for a long time then, shook his head.

"Me nots know. What you gets?"

Meleezons eyes widened.

"I don't know what you call it, but it's RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"

The midgets let out a cry and spun around, ready to defend against one very deadly hound. Meleezon, Divo and K immediately put their hands over their mouths and noses.

"Now G!"

"Gastro Glutious Explodus!"

With a ground shaking 'BRRAARRPP' a ring of green gas burst from G's wand and enveloped the tribe. Shocked and confused, they had no option but to breathe in the noxious fumes, and within seconds they were on their knees, gagging and choking. Many simply fainted where they stood, others flopped about, rolling in agony as the stench and foulness clogged their lungs.

Endugu, somewhat higher then the others when the gas was released, had missed the main wave. Unfortunately his bearer hadn't, and they both crashed to the ground as he succumbed to the vapours. Endugu stood up and snarled at the humans.

"You pays for that!" he said, shaking a tiny fist. Then he ran off towards a fenced in area of the camp.

"Get him, quick!" Meleezon cried, already running through the gas cloud, "If he gets to the dungeon he could seal it off."

All four of them chased the mad midget across the camp into the fenced area. At a quick glance it appeared to be an old burial ground filled with ancient human-made tombstones. Most had been desecrated beyond recognition, or simply had the word "NOT!" written after lines like "You will be missed."

In the center of the yard were stone stars leading down into the earth. Endugu was already running down them, giggling with glee.

"Faster! He's almost there."

They raced down the steps, just in time to see him dive for a lever and pull it. A large stone door began to slide down from the roof. He roared with laughter, then realised the heroes weren't slowing their advance. Backing up a few steps to judge whether they were going to make it or not, he finally turned and ran into the darkness.

Meleezon barreled through the doorway, narrowly missing smacking her head. K and G followed close behind. The stone was halfway down, and Divo still had a few meters to go.

"Dive, Divo, Dive!" Meleezon yelled, realising how stupid it sounded. With a determined cry, the Rogue, leapt into the air, slid across the stone and made it under with barely enough time to reach back and grab her Fedora hat.

She sat up grinning as the stone slammed shut behind her, and plonked the hat triumphantly on her head.

"Made it! Boy that was close."

The other stared silently.

"Uummm… where exactly did you get the hat from?"

Divo's smile dropped as she stared up at the wide brim.

"I... don't know" she stammered, "Probably the same place I got this whip?" she looked at the long bull whip in her hands and then tossed it away. "Eh, I'll never be able to use that. Might keep the hat though; looks snazzy."

"Well snazzy or not, it's not going to help us get out of here" Meleezon mumbled.

"Can't vee just portal out?" G pleaded.

"We could… but I'm assuming this is where the brain is. We're going to have to search it anyway, might as well be now. And we'll kill that rat Endugu while we're here."

A sinister laugh echoed down the dark hallway behind them.

"….ehehehe… don't be to sures. This is my fun place, you's all be intruding. You wanties my treasures, you have to play my games. And no one has ever left play time alive…"

The voice faded, leaving only the dripping sounds of moisture.

The heroes stood silently for awhile, each thinking shared thoughts. Even the bog-pits of the Docks sounded more comforting then this place at the moment.

Meleezon finally took a breath and hefted Soulflay to her shoulder.

"How hard could it be?" she mused.

"Childs Play" replied G with a grim look in his eyes.

They readied their weapons and stepped into the darkness.

Next Blog – It Takes Brains to Win Game


	27. Blog 27 – I Think, Therefore… um

Blog 27 – I Think, Therefore… um…

A Flayer dungeon is a mysterious place. No living man has ever returned from one's depths. But Meleezon and Divo were no 'man'. G showed slight discomfort as Meleezon explained this, but a Gerbil never retreated. 'Go forth in the name of Hamster, and run the race in the wheel before us'.

K's spear was at constant alert, ready to thrust forward and decapitate the first midget to show its masked face, but so far the ancient twisting tunnels held nothing but spider webs and tiny foot prints in the dust. Up ahead, the Witch Doctor Endugu was waiting to ambush them with an unknown arsenal of traps. The question was: when?

"I wish he'd hurry up," grumbled Divo. "It's the waiting I can't take." She took her Fedora off for a second, ruffled her hair and put it back on. Meleezon snorted.

"Are you really going to keep that old thing? It's so… manly!"

"It's cool!" Divo frowned, before wiping her nose on her sleeve, farting and laughing loudly as it echoed down the corridor. She tipped the tip of the hat down and winked at K, who looked at her strangely before smiling back.

As expected, the tunnel opened up into darkness; a large room of depth and height they couldn't tell. They allowed their eyes to adjust in the light of Meleezon's small torch, and tried to peer into the gloom.

"Zis is stupid," K growled. "Vhy doesn't zee little rodent just spring zee trap? I'm itching to put my spike through him."

In response, the room suddenly came alive with light. All four covered their eyes and brandished their weapons, expecting hoards of tiny beings to swarm over them. Instead, a familiar crackling filled their ears:

"_Wwwwelcome to Flayer Dungeon Trivia, where every question asked, could be your last!_" The voice over the QSHC Radio was almost mockingly cheerful, pronouncing words with emphasized excitement. It made Meleezon screw up her nose.

"What is going -"

The torches in the room suddenly dimmed, revealing a strangely decorated room. The walls were alive with colorful streamers and paint. Four podiums sat before them, and at the other end was a large stage, upon which sat a box covered in vines.

"Amazing!" Divo gasped, "What is it? A game?"

"_Correct! You get to live longer, Divo!_" the voice-over announced. "_And now please welcome your host; ENDUGUUUUUU!_"

There was a flash of light, a cloud of smoke, and the Witch Doctor himself appeared on the stage behind the box. His grinning mask snickered at them evilly.

"Thank you, thank you," he cried, raising his hands up and bowing.

"Clear shot!" Divo cried, and launched an arrow straight at the midgets head. It reached the viney box and shattered instantly, splinters of wood and feathers showering over the heroes. Endugu and the voice-over chuckled with laughter.

"_Oh, I'm sorry Divo, but the rules clearly state that the host may not be killed till after the games completion. As such, an impenetrable defense spell protects both him and the doorway you just entered through. Should you or any weapon attempt to break through either field again, termination of the game – and consequently your lives – will occur._"

"And you better do as Big Cousin say," Endugu added. "This neat room, and me rreeeally not want to clean up the mess."

"Exactly how do you plan to hurt us?" Meleezon asked. "What have you got? Poison blow darts? Viscous attack weasels?"

"Better!" Endugu giggled, "Big Cousin?"

"_Thank you, Endugu! Should you or your friends fail to answer a question correctly, these punishments will be administrated."_

Four wooden panels on the walls beside them opened up to reveal some large cages. Inside each one, a different creature wriggled and crawled.

"SPIDERS!" screamed Meleezon.

"RATS!" choked K.

"NOCTURNALIS MAMMALIS, otherwise known as BATS!" grimaced Divo.

"BUNNIES!" cried G, turning white and shaking like a cold fajita. The room went quiet as all the women turned to peer quizzingly at him.

"Vhat?" he said, still looking very pale. "Look at zem! Furry… big teeth… …floppy ears… C'mon! Noting that cute could be wholly innocent!"

One of the rabbits sniffed tentatively at the straw lining its cage, then took a hop towards the heroes.

"GET IT AVAY!" G screamed, almost climbing K.

"Get off, you big vussy," the larger Amazon rolled her eyes and swatted the skinny man off.

"And that's just the boobie prize," Endugu said with glee.

"_Indeed,"_ Big Cousin continued; _"a second wrong answer will result in a 'One Tonne Wanger', and the game will be over for that contestant."_

"Von Tonne Vanger?" K asked, sounding genuinely confused. "You're going to beat us to death vith a really big di-"

"_Look up,"_ Big Cousin's voice interrupted.

They glanced up at the ceiling, and saw four gaping-black holes above the podiums. The dark underside of something round and smooth was vaguely visible.

"Oooohhhh," they said in unison, feeling guilty about the dirty thoughts that had been flowing through their minds.

"_And one final thing; please take note of the holes in the floor. Failure to stand on a podium base within the next 30 seconds will result in the activation of 6 foot sharpened spikes."_

The heroes looked at each other, at their feet, then quickly moved to a podium each. K's teeth ground horribly at being commanded by someone other then Lord Hamster, and Meleezon was afraid she might do something rash.

"_Thank you,"_ Big Cousin boomed; _"and please: don't step away from them again until the end of the game. The spikes are now active and even the slightest pressure may set them off. LET'S GET READY TO RRUUUUUMMMMMMMM- ah to hell with it. Endugu?"_

"Game begins. On podium you will see button. Push button; loud buzzy noise and you must answer question. No points for correct answer, last person to be not squished wins!"

"Wins what?"

"Big cousin?"

"_Our prizes today are: One – getting to leave alive, and two…_" a panel in the wall behind Endugu opened to reveal something small and pulsating, sitting on a velvet cushion. The heroes leaned in for a closer look, without stepping off their podium stands.

"By Lord Hamster, it's zee brain!" K cried. They were both overjoyed and repulsed by the little human thinking device sitting quietly in its prize box.

"_The Brain of Khalim, to be exact. Grand prize, allows entry to the Tower of Mephisto, should you manage to claim the other body parts and the flail."_

"Already got two of those things, bucko," Meleezon said proudly. "And we're going to win this game and take that bit for ourselves too."

"Ehehe… if you says so," Endugu snickered. "Alright! First question is demo, just to let you get feel of game. Wrong answer will not be punished. Here is question:"

He picked up a deck of cards and held up the first one. The heroes waited nervously, hands over the buzzers.

"What floats on water?"

BZZZ 

"Wood!"

BZZZ 

"Cheese!"

BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ 

"Rocks!" "Glass!" "Lead!" ("Don't be stupid Divo, lead doesn't float. You're thinking of mercury.")

"SILENCE!" Endugu screamed, slamming his tiny fist on the vine box. "You lucky that only demo. ONE person buzz in, give ONE answer. No silly guesses."

The heroes looked sulkily at each other and scuffled their feet.

"What was the answer anyway?" Meleezon piped up.

"Surprisingly, it be boats." Endugu snorted. He tossed the card over his shoulder and held up the next one. "Right, now game start for real. Question is… What black and white and red all over?"

BZZZ 

"Oh, oh! I know this one!" Divo cried. "We used to tell that one back at Rogue Side Elementary. It's a Necro in a blender!"

There was a short, stunned silence as everyone waited to hear the response.

"_Well done, Divo."_ Big Cousin announced, sounding slightly dejected. "_That is correct."_

The heroes let out a whoop of joy and leaned over to high-five each other, before deciding it wasn't worth the risk of being spiked.

"Hmph. Beginner luck." Endugu tossed the card away. "Next question: If Diablo be traveling at rate of 20,000 steps a day, and it take him 32 days to reach Kurast from Tristram – take into account his time on boat – what colour cloak he wearing?"

Silence.

BZZZ 

"Grey?" K asked. Endugu stamped his feet viscously and threw the card at her.

"You sucks!" he screamed. "Lucky guesses, to many!"

"Phhhh… not lucky at all!" K grinned; "Every evil villain vairs a full body grey cloak zat covers his face vith a hood. Duh."

"_She has a point, Endugu,"_ Big Cousin added thoughtfully.

"Grrr. Well, next one will stump you." Endugu's mask bobbed with eagerness as he took up the next card. "This is bonus question: everyone gets one free go. If all four of you get wrong…"

"_SPLAT!"_ Big Cousin finished cheerfully.

"Bring it on!" Meleezon cried.

"OK. Who am I? I was born in the fiery pits of Hell –"

BZZZ 

"Diablo!"

"_EEEEENNT! Wrong answer!"_

"Good von, Divo. Vhy don't you vait till the qvestion is finished next time?"

"I thought it was," the Rogue said sadly.

".. born in the fiery pits of Hell, and am one of the lesser Lords of Evil. I enjoy devouring souls, torturing the damned and moonlight walks by the beach. My nickname in school was 'Squishy' –"

BZZZ 

"Duriel!" K said boldly.

"_EEENNNT! Oh I'm terribly sorry, but it seems you were incorrect. Please feel free to take a step back off your podium… … ooohhhh clever. Can't trick you. Anyway…"_

"My nickname in school was 'Squishy' because of my shapely behind. My tush actually won me 'Sexiest Demon Lord in Hell' three years in a row –"

BZZZ 

"Andariel, its must be!" G seemed confident, but the tinge of panic was clearly evident in his voice.

"_Hmmm… let me just check the ans-ENNNNTT WRONG! AHAHAHAHAHAHA… ahem. Continue."_

"…three years in a row. I have future plans to overthrow all the other Lords in Hell and claim it for myself. Then move to some remote island far away in the River of Fire to avoid real-estate tax. My favourite food is curried enchiladas on toast, and I'm quiet partial to skinny dipping. I am…?"

Silence. All eyes fell on Meleezon. Her face was screwed up with concentration, the lines on her forehead standing out.

("Psstt, quick Meleezon, before you get wrinkles!") Divo's concerned whisper drifted to her.

"_You have 30 seconds to answer,"_ Big Cousin mocked.

Time ticked away. The heroes waited with breath held, Endugu's grinning mask leered at them from behind his box. At last, the Amazons hand came down.

BZZZ 

"… Azmodan?"

"_EENNNTT! HAHAHA WOO HOO! Take that puny… oh wait did you say Azmodan? God dammit! How did you know that? Endugu they're cheating! Hide your cards better."_

The midget on the stage had gone completely quiet now. He was obviously fuming inside his mask.

"Yes… it odd you know that… Azmodan not even mentioned in this game… er, I mean, the game we playing right now… ahem. Moving on!" He threw the 'Who am I?' card away and held up the last two.

"OK, it obvious you very clever. These are the hardest questions, and if you get right, you live!"

"_Oh oh, I have a question. May I ask?"_

Endugu looked confused for a second, then nodded.

"_Ok, the question is: Divo, will you take off that stupid hat?"_

Divo immediately stuck her hand up and clutched at the brim defensively.

"NO! I like it, it's staying on."

"_EENNNTT! Wrong answer!"_

The loud clanking of something extremely heavy being released from its chain made Divo look to the hole above her.

"Oh… $hit!" she managed to scream, before taking a flying leap towards Meleezon. The massive steel ball smashed down on the podium, crushing it to a splintery pulp.

"_Damn! I missed!"_ Big Cousin cried.

Meleezon managed to catch Divo midair, holding her like a honeymooning bride and groom. Divo pulled the rim of her hat from her face and smiled at the Amazon.

"This is nice, isn't it?"

"Don't make me throw you onto the spikes."

Meanwhile, on stage, Endugu was having hysterics.

"What the hell that for, Big Cousin? You ruin perfectly good podium and break boobie-prize rule. First question wrong is the scary creature punishment, remember?"

"_Sorry. I just can't stand that hat. It looks so… manly on her!_"

"Hey... Shut up!"

"Never mind!" Endugu interrupted, "Game go on. Since Big Cousin asked stupid question and we one podium down, I only ask one more." He threw one of the cards away.

"What was that one about?"

"Hmm? Oh… compressed singularity in a controlled environment… I think you would have got easy anyway."

The heroes looked uneasily at each other then nodded in agreement.

"Yeah. Think so. You better ask the last one."

"Ok! Last question: What…"

He paused again, drawing it out as long as he could. Only the impatient tapping of K's foot and tiny groans of Meleezon trying to hold Divo could be heard.

"… is average flight speed of a Black Raptor?" he finished at last.

Silence. No one buzzed in.

"_Would you like to phone a friend? Ask the audience perhaps? Oh, buy a vowel! Guaranteed to stay sharp - even after cutting through nickel cadmium! - or you're life back! Anyway, you have_ _30 seconds to answer."_

Silence. Meleezon chewed her bottom lip, K banged her spear into the podiums base repeatedly, an expression of worry and anger on her face. Divo played with her hat. Then suddenly, G put up his hand.

"Anarochian or Khandurasan Black Raptors?" he asked.

Endugu's mask tilted sideways.

"Ummmmmmm…. Big Cousin?"

Big Cousin too seemed to be thinking hard about this.

"_Errr… well… that is to say… Khandurasan?"_

"13.7 miles an hour," G said without missing a beat. Suddenly loud music filled the room; bells, whistles and trumpets sang out the heroes triumph. Small pieces of coloured paper fell out of the holes above them. ("Steel balls _and _confetti… how clever!" Divo mused.)

Endugu banged his mask furiously against the viney box.

"No, no, no! No one _ever _win Flayer Dungeon Trivia before. Me… so… ANGRY!"

"_Congratulations to our winners. Spike trap and exit-doorway force field deactivated._" The panels in the walls also slid up to hide the creepy critters (and rabbits) from view. G let out a sigh of relief. Endugu shook a tiny fist.

"You win today, but you not get me!" He made to run from the stage, and immediately bounced off the invisible shield.

"Hey… what going on? Let me out Big Cousin!"

"_Ooohhh… I'm sorry! But the rules clearly state that the host can not be killed till after the game. Well, games finished! It's dieing time, Witch Doctor Endugu!"_

The midgets mask danced erratically on its shoulders. He desperately charged the defense spell again, bouncing off as ineffectively as before.

"What? Let me out! I demand –"

"_You are the weakest link. GOODBYE!"_

A trap door beneath the screaming Flayer opened, and he disappeared completely from sight.

"Curse you, Big Cousin! I bbeee bbaaaccckkkkk….." The heroes listened to the sound of his cries fading further and further away, until all was silent once more. Then a chuckle from the omnipotent Big Cousin filled the room.

"_It's all good now, heroes. You can step up to claim your prize. Thank you for beating that little squirt once and for all. Now I can finally leave to pursue my career: Sanctuary Idol!"_

"That's going to be abit hard for someone without a body, isn't it?" Meleezon scoffed.

"_Hey, shut up. I can sing! An apparently that's all that you need to do to be idolized these days. Farewell!'_

His voice faded away, humming happily to itself, and the heroes were left alone.

"Well… that was stimulating," Meleezon said, dropping Divo unceremoniously on her butt. "And he was truthful too; the traps are deactivated!"

Divo stood up grumbling, and straightened her hat.

"Hmph. And I got one of those questions right too. Ungrateful cow…"

"Divo – "

"I know, I know. 'Be quiet and get the brain', I'm on my way."

---Fast Forward – The Kurast Docks---

Divo finished hugging G and moved to say goodbye to K. Meleezon moved in to shake the Necro-Amazons hand.

"Well, you may be followers of a gluttonous furball, hellbent on world domination… but you're alright."

'Agent G' Knochengeist snapped his heels together and saluted politely.

"Thank you, Fräulein Meleezon," he smiled, "Perhaps vee vill meet again vhen the legions of Hamster have overthrown the universe as vee know it."

"Perhaps we will," Meleezon smiled back.

Divo finished hugging 'Agent K' Kriemhild, who was looking both pleased and uncomfortable with this strange new affection.

"Thank you, Divo. You have been a good… friend. You vill be velcome in zee camp of Hamster any time."

Divo grinned and did a little excited jump.

"Oh, that'd be great! I'll come visit as soon as all this is over. I can't wait to see Lord Hamster, he sounds sssooo cute!"

The two Gerbils smiled awkwardly.

"Yes… cute. Vell, vee must move on. The new orders of Hamster say they have made a break through vith zee art of cooking chicken, near zee Barbarian Homelands. Something about "11 Herbs and Spices". Vee are to acquire and return vith the secret recipe," G's features darkened; "Or not return at all."

"Yes, well, sounds important. 'Go forth and run the race in the wheel before you', my brave Gerbil friends. Farewell."

Agents K and G waved goodbye as they stepped onto the gangplank of their boat and the sails were hoisted. Divo took off her Fedora and flapped it round wildly. Meleezon wrinkled her nose for perhaps the 50th time that day.

"I really wish you'd get rid of that thing, Divo."

"You'll get over it, Meleezon," the Rogue grinned. "Now come on; we've got a Temple of Doom – er – Temple of _Mephisto_ to face. Follow me, I know the way! Yar!"

**Next Blog: The Good, the Bad, and the Plain Bazaar**


	28. Blog 28 – Flesh Hunters, Trees and Porn

Blog 28 at last. Note Forgot about the banging monkey? Check half way through blog 19

**Blog 28 – Flesh Hunters, Trees and Porn, Oh My!**

Twenty minutes later – after Asherea's Iron Wolves had gone into the jungle and rescued a very lost Divo - the Amazon and the Rogue found themselves beside Ormus's Pyramid once more. Meleezon was engaged in deep conversation with Cain.

"No. Freakin'. Way. I've been down into the sewers once already; twice in one life time is just pushing it. What's more, Kurast isn't hot and dry like Lut Gholein. The stuff in these sewers will still be…" she swallowed queasily, "you know… gooey."

Cain was chuckling to himself and shaking his head.

"You really don't have a choice, dear girl! Unless you want to send your trusty companion down there by herself to fetch it."

"What, Divo? I don't think she could handle that. She can barely manage her own hair, never mind a – DIVO! ORMUS! What the HELL are you doing?"

The two had become bored waiting for the discussion to end, and were currently involved in a riveting game of hacky-sack with Khalim's Brain. They stopped immediately at the sound of Meleezon's voice and the brain fell to the cobblestones with a splat.

"He/She did it," they said in unison while pointing accusing fingers. Meleezon managed a glare that sent Ormus scurrying into his shop. Divo picked up the brain and retreated far under the brim of her Fedora.

"Hmph. Where were we?" Meleezon continued. "Oh yeah, the part where I'm not freakin' going down into any freakin' sloppy sewers."

Cain opened his mouth to argue further, but before he could the boney figure of Alkor came flying down the rickety bridge from his hut, waving his arms wildly.

"Meleezon! Oh, sweet owner of mammaries most glorious, I need your assistance!"

"What did you say?" Meleezon asked sharply.

"I said: 'I need your assistance'," he repeated, continuing his speech before she could interrupt again. "There is a book of vital impotent – ahem – _importance_, somewhere in the Upper/Lower/Bazaar's of Kurast area. I accidentally left it in my Temple when fleeing from Zealots."

"Oh really? And what might this book be about?"

The old man paused, his forehead furrowed deeply.

"It's abooooouttt…Demons! Yes, and the Hell Lords! Full of really important information that we could use to defeat them! I simply must have it back before the next week."

"Why?"

"Because I rented it from the library and it's going to cost me an absolute fortune if it's late returned."

Meleezon raised an eyebrow and the old man scuffled his feet nervously.

"Ok then," she sighed. "Where's your temple."

"Well, that is to say... ahem… I don't remember." He scratched his balding head absent mindedly. "It could be any of the temples really. I used them all you see. Easier that way; I could wander into any one I wanted and just pick up whatever unfinished experiment I'd left there last time."

"It's the Ruined Temple," Divo said casually, glancing at her fingernails.

"That's nice, Divo. OK, Alkor, so you need this 'demon book' of yours to help us defeat evil, and it's somewhere in the Upper/Lower/ Bazaar Kurast area, in one of the twenty or so Temples built there. Am I right?"

"Six. There's on six temples. Here's the list"

("It's in the Ruined Fane!")

"And you want us to search them all till we find it. What's in it for us?"

"Hmm... how about another of my miraculous potions? Could make you strong, more flexible, healthier… what ever you wish!"

"Whoa, no freakin' way. What'll you put in this one: essence of ape turd?"

"Let me finish, I was going to say; 'in a frosty cold beer'."

"… … I hate you. Fine: we'll find your freakin' demon book."

"Hey, I've got an idea! Let's look in the Ruined Temple, Meleezon."

"Divo. Shut. Up!"

"Oh, and one more thing," Alkor called as they were leaving. "Don't look in the book. What you see might be too much for your minds to comprehend."

"Fine, whatever, see you soon."

--- Fast Forward – 6 Hours Later, Outside Kurast ---

"That was the weirdest 6 hours of my life."

"Yeah tell me about it. Can monkeys really do that? I mean seriously, it didn't look physically possible!"

"The monkeys weren't the half of it. Did you see that frog? I swear it was wearing a crown and tutu. This place is nuts."

The two companions had traveled what was left of the Flayer Jungle, trudged through the goop of the Great Marsh, and now stood in front of the overgrown, rotting gates of Kurast. Everything was deathly quiet. It made them feel uneasy.

"I feel like there should be a guardian or something," Meleezon mused. "We never come to big landmarks like this without having to face a big nasty –"

-THWOOOOOM-

A massive tree branch smashed down beside her, missing by mere millimeters.

"Blllooody hell!" she cried, jumping sideways. "That's the closest I've ever come to being flattened by foliage."

The two edged away cautiously, eyes fixed on the huge log oozing sap before them. Divo prodded it with her foot.

"Funny looking branch," she said. She kicked it again, and to their surprise it began to rise off the ground. "Wait, that's not a branch, that's a –"

-THWOOOOOMMM-

The women dived away as the log came down for another crushing blow. Meleezon scurried behind the remains of a stone wall and peeked over the top.

"Divo! Check that out!"

A creature made entirely of wood lumbered out of the jungle. It was easily twice as big as Meleezon, and three times the width, sporting massive trunks for arms. One ended in a lethal jagged splinter. A gaping black hole in the face oozed sap, below two red eyes, and these eyes were searching for food.

"Meleezon!" called Divo from her spot behind a bush. "Do something! You live in a jungle: what do you do when trees turn bad?"

The tree beast swung towards her voice and smashed the bush. Divo rolled away in time and ran in Meleezon's direction.

"Don't come to me! Lead him away! Do the good hireling thing!" Divo veered away and headed to the river.

"You idiot, do you want to drown?"

The exasperated Rogue stopped at the river bank and turned back to glare at the Amazon.

"Well what the hell do you want me to do? You know, Meleezon, I've been meaning to have a word to you about your constant indecisiveness. It's really –"

"Just keep his attention on you, dim wit. Hopefully I'll figure something out before I have to tell the dock you were killed by a giant woody."

The creature staggered further down the riverbank, making low guttural noises. Divo wasn't sure if it came from his mouth or his stomach. He looked very hungry…

"Meleezon! The Ent is getting –"

"Oi! Wrong game, you twat! Do you want to get us in trouble?"

"What? Oh yes, sorry, the _Tree Hulk_ is getting closer. Do something!"

Meleezon was. She fished desperately through her bag, looking for one particular item.

"Goddam it, where are you?" she growled. A muffled 'bang, bang, bang' suddenly brought a smile to her face. "Ah! There you are!"

The Tee Hulk towered over Divo, glaring down at her. The evil red eyes burned with hunger. One massive trunk-arm raised up, ready to smash…

"Hey, Pecker Food," Meleezon shouted. The Tree Hulk paused and looked her way.

"Errhhmmmm?" it groaned. The Amazon smiled and pointed towards its feet. She saw its eyes widen for a second, and then heard a loud creak as it stooped down to look.

A small fluffy monkey, banging away happily on his cymbals, was waddling its way down the river bank. The Tree Hulk bent down closer and moaned.

"Ooooohhhhh…. prreeeee….tteeeeeee…"

"That's right," Meleezon smiled, creeping out from behind the crumbled stone wall. "Pretty monkey, you like the monkey?"

The Tree Hulk obviously did. It picked up the monkey and patted it. Then it began to lumber back to the forest. Meleezon raised Soulflay and prepared to charge.

"Wait!" Divo grabbed her arm. "I don't think we'll need to. He seems happy!"

The Tree Hulk reached the jungle and began to push his way inside.

"I'mmmmm… gooooiinnngg… tooooo… huuugggg… yoooouuuu… and squuueeeezzzeee… yooouu…. and… nnaammme… yoooouuu… Geoooorrggggge…" were his final groaned words as he trudged out of view.

"Awww," said Divo, taking her hat off and wiping a small tear from her eye. "Isn't that sweet? He just wanted a friend! See, Meleezon, not all our enemies are bad." She turned to see Meleezon's reaction, and was surprised to see the big Amazon crying to! "What's wrong? You can't be getting all sentimental, that's not like you!"

"I'm not!" Meleezon snorted. "It's just… I was using the monkey as a distraction. He was meant to look at it while I chopped him up. I didn't expect him to _take_ the monkey."

"Oooohhh," Divo smiled, recalling the night she'd seen Meleezon snuggled up with the monkey hugged tight to her chest, sucking her thumb peacefully. "So you're upset that you didn't get to kill him. Sure. I believe you."

"Shut up!" Meleezon shouted, and stormed towards the Gates of Kurast.

"Hey, I was kidding! We'll find another monkey…"

---Fast Forward – Lower Kurast---

"What the hell? This place is tiny! And pointless. I don't see a temple anywhere"

"Yeah, check it out: I'm in Lower Kurast… now I'm in the Kurast Bazaar! Lower Kurast, Kurast Bazaar, and now I'm in the Great Marsh! Awesome!"

"Stop it, you're making my head hurt."

---Fast Forward – Kurast Bazaar---

"Ok! Alkor said that his 'demon book' was in one of the temples. Let's start looking."

"I think – and I could be wrong, after all this is just a hunch – but I _think_ that I'm 100 certain that it's in the Ruined Temple."

"What have I told you about spouting crap! I'm the Big Boss here, got it? What's a matter? You wanna wear the daddy pants? Huh? Is that it, Divo? You gonna cry? You gonna squirt some?"

-BONG-

"Ow! Where the hell did you get that big inflatable world, Meleezon?"

"Same place you got your hat. Now shut up, or I'll throw it against your head again. I have to concentrate."

Meleezon scanned the Bazaar, peering over the fetid wastes, the run down thatched huts and the picked clean bones of those Kurastians that weren't able to make it to the docks in time. The place really could have used some maintenance.

"Why on earth did they decide to build their city in the middle of a swampy jungle anyway?"

"Beats me. I could ask why you Amazons choose to do the same thing."

"But you won't, will you?"

-sigh - "No, ma'am."

Meleezon finally spotted a temple, and checked the list Alkor had given her.

"Ok, according to the description, that place is the 'Disused Fane'. Sounds interesting. Let's check it out?"

"Fine…"

---Fast Forward – The Disused Fane---

"AAAHHHHH! PURPLE SPIDERS!"

---Fast Forward – Kurast Bazaar---

"If you don't stop snickering, Divo, I'm going to cut off both your pinkies and send them to Charsi as a keepsake."

-snort giggle- "Ok, sorry. So, where to now?"

"Well, next on the list is…"

---Fast Forward – 4 More Temples Later---

"Forgotten Temple, Disused Reliquary, Ruined Fane, Forgotten Reliquary… not only did Alkor forget which is which, I think he forgot all other words in the world that can be used to describe a temple and the state it's it."

"Yeah, not the most imaginative titles out there. And let me guess; the last one is 'Ruined Temple', right, Meleezon?"

"Yeah… your point being?"

"Oh… nothing…"

---Fast Forward – Entrance of the Ruined Temple---

The two companions stood at the temples entrance and examined the big steel door. There was something very odd about it.

"Hey Meleezon… what's that?" Divo pointed to a strange torch above the door, casting a soft red light on everything.

"I'm not sure, Divo," Meleezon replied, "but I guess we'll find out." She knocked on the door and waited. A few seconds later, a metal window in the door slid open and some eyes peered out at them.

"Ooohhh! Customers!" cooed a sultry voice. There was the snap of a latch, and the door creaked open. "Welcome!"

Meleezon and Divo stared at the tanned skinned women wearing a gimps mask.

"Ummmm…."

"Oh, don't be shy. I won't bite…" the Lady Gimp said, winking behind her mask. "Follow me."

Meleezon looked back at Divo and shrugged.

"Guess we have no choice."

---Fast Forward – The "Ruined Temple" Penthouse---

"… and that over there is the 'Pleasure and Pain' room. Very popular with the heroes you know as Assassins… and occasionally a Barbarian."

Meleezon couldn't resist a peek inside, and instantly wished she hadn't.

"Yikes, too kinky for me!"

Divo was staring wide eyed at some sort of hanging hammock / swing contraption in a room on the other side.

"Should I even ask what that's for?"

"Not unless you're interested in it," winked the Lady Gimp.

"I thought this was a laboratory," snorted Meleezon. "When did you guys move in?"

"Oh, it was a laboratory, until our boss came snooping around and found the book. Then she decided to open up this business. Popular for humans and creatures alike! And absolutely no fighting allowed."

"Who's the boss?" Divo asked, trying to free her hand from a pair of fluffy handcuffs.

"She runs the 'Master and Slave' role-play," the Lady Gimp replied. "She likes to be called 'Battlemaid Sarina'."

"You know," Meleezon said suddenly, "this all sounds very familiar. Didn't we meet someone before who was into this stuff?"

Divo looked her way, having periodically swapped her hat for pink bunny ears, and wrinkled her nose.

"Cute?"

"Divo, I'm being serious here."

"So am I! I want to look my best when we eventually run into Scott the Great."

"He doesn't like bunnies."

"Everyone likes bunnies! Oh, and the person you're thinking of was the Countess."

"Of course!" Meleezon cheered, snapping her fingers. "She was running the sex chat line."

"You know the Countess?" the Lady Gimp asked in surprise. "She's our outsourcing manager; we direct all the phone calls to her. We're planning on setting up more franchises, you see, and it's handy to have a representative in every land."

"Who's your representative in Lut Gholein?"

"A blacksmith named Fara."

"Oooooohhhh!" said Divo and Meleezon in unison. "That explains SO much!"

"Yes, she's quite a deviant, though she hides it well. She actually makes the metal chastity belts we use in the 'Knights and Maidens' role-plays, but it's been a long time since she's shipped any over. Actually, we haven't heard from the Countess in awhile either."

"Hmm… strange. Ahem. Wonder why that is." Meleezon rubbed the back of her neck and suddenly found the ceiling very interesting.

"Here we are!"

The Lady Gimp stepped aside ad gestured to a large room beyond. Meleezon and Divo walked past her and stepped through the doorway frame.

"Whoa! Extravagant," Meleezon said in awe.

The entire room was filled with queen size plush beds. The walls were covered in soft red velvet, and there were so many pillows and cushions scattered around it must have taken a thousand geese to stuff them. And at the far end sat a scantily clad woman; sword by her side, concentrating intensely on a book in front of her.

"The Dung Beetle? My, my… that looks downright uncomfortable," she was mumbling. Meleezon raised Soulflay and turned to speak to her companion.

"Ok, Divo, that's obviously the book. This could get ugly, I suggest we-"

Divo, who'd been completely silent since they entered, couldn't contain herself anymore.

"Oh… my… GOD!" she cried. "It's fluffy-thing paradise! GERINIMO!"

The Rogue took a flying leap and landed on one of the beds. The springs promptly sent her flying off again, and onto the floor out of sight.

"I'm ok! I'm ok!" she called happily, hopping up into view again. "There's pillows everywhere! Wheeee!" she picked up a huge downy cushion and aimed it at Meleezon. "Pillow fight!"

Meleezon ducked as a hail of soft objects came hurtling at her.

"Divo, what the hell are you doing! I was hoping for the element of surprise here."

The woman reading the book suddenly became aware of the ruckus that had broken out around her.

"Hey! What's going on? Pillow fights have a 30 gold surcharge-" she suddenly noticed Meleezon, fending off the barrage. "Who on Sanctuary are you?"

"Just a second," called Meleezon. She caught an especially large cushion thrown by Divo, and took aim.

"Oh… craWHOOOMF!" the Rogue managed to splutter as the cushion smacked her in the face, knocking her off her feet.

"There," said Meleezon. "Much better."

"No fair," Divo said indignantly, coming up from behind the bed again. "You play to rough."

"Ladies, please stop destroying my business and answer the question."

"Please excuse my manners." Meleezon strode up to the woman and slammed the book shut. "Hi. I'm Meleezon. The six year old over there is Divo. You're Battlemaid Sarina. And I'm taking this book back to the docks because an old man asked me too. Any more questions?"

Sarina raised an eyebrow, then placed her hand over Meleezon's on the book.

"I'm sorry, but I simply can't let you do that. This book is my entire business. Without it, we'd never be able to keep our routines fresh and imaginative."

Meleezon frowned.

"How the heck can a book about demons be of help to a… place like this?"

"Demon book?" Sarina asked. "My dear, I believe you've been tricked. This isn't a book about demons… though some of techniques in here probably require special powers in order to perform them."

"Huh? Bah, I don't care what's in it. Just give it to me and I'll be on my way." Meleezon took hold of the book and gave it a pull, but the Battlemaid held on. "C'mon! This is my only chance to drink beer again in this hell hole. Even if it does have something disgusting added to it."

Sarina stood up, drew her sword and pointed it at Meleezon.

"You're not taking it, and certainly not without a fight."

"Ok, ok." Meleezon let it go and backed away with her hands raised. "Keep the damn book…. although… I could probably make a copy for you."

"What?"

"It's called duping. You give me the book, I perform some quick illegal operations, and bingo! An exact replica of the book is made."

Sarina lowered her sword and looked thoughtful.

"Hmmm… that would be ok, I guess. Are you sure it'd work?"

"Positive."

"Can I trust you?"

"Of course!"

"…. Alright then."

Sarina handed her the book.

"Just give me a second…" Meleezon took her backpack off and put the book inside. Then she put her pack on again and stood still. Sarina waited.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Where's my copy of the book?"

"What book?"

"The book I just gave you to dupe!"

"Book? I don't see no book. You didn't give me anything. Who are you anyway? Stop bothering me, noob."

"THAT'S IT!" Sarina screamed. She pulled a lever by a bed and multiple doors opened in the walls around them. "GIMPS! COME!"

A hoard of scantily clad, mask wearing women poured out and filled the room. Divo immediately hid behind the Amazon and whimpered.

"Meleezon, what are they using for weapons? They're certainly not swords… I've never seen anything like them; they're huge!"

Meleezon smiled and reached for her belt.

"I'm sorry, but I really must be going. I don't have time to stay and… chat." She winked.

"They've got our sacred book," Sarina screamed. "Get them! Retrieve it."

Meleezon opened a portal and pushed Divo into it as the Gimp hoard closed in on them.

"See ya!' she waved. Then disappeared through.

---Fast Forward – The Docks---

"Yay for Meleezon!"

"We knew you could do it!"

"You're amazing!"

Meleezon was standing in the middle of a large group of men, taking the praise for all it was worth.

"Thank you, thank you. It was nothing really."

"Oh, but it certainly was!" Alkor beamed. "How you managed to find our beloved book in one of my six very similarly named temples is a great feat."

"It was easy, I promise! I knew it was in the Ruined Temple all along… what was that Divo?"

"I said you can tuck yourself in tonight."

"That doesn't make any sense… anyway-"

"Yes, let's see the book," Alkor said eagerly. Meleezon reached into her backpack and fished around. She paused when she suddenly realized how quiet this group of men had become. All eyes were on her; impatient, lust filled eyes.

"Ummmm…. here you go." She handed the book to Alkor.

"WHOHOO!" he cried. "It's back! It's ours again! Gather 'round boys; it's study time."

Meleezon and Divo stared at the group of men huddled around the book, looking over Alkor's shoulder.

"Oh! Yeti Style! I gotta try that!"

"Nah, that's got nothing on the Dirty Succubus."

"Dude, you're sick!"

"What the hell is a Duriel Punch anyway?"

Meleezon shook her head and began to walk away.

"Men. They never grow up."

"What was that book about, Meleezon, if it wasn't about demons?" Divo asked inquisitively.

"Not sure myself… even the title was odd. I think it was Farma Tutra… ever heard of that before?"

"Not me… I wonder if it has anything to do with Feng Shui?"

"Meleezon, wait! Your reward." Alkor left the group and offered the Amazon a glass of white liquid. She immediately screwed up her nose.

"Oh god, what's in this one?"

"It's a new substance we've only just discovered in Kurast. It's called milk, and it's very good for you. Drink it up, it'll make you stronger. And no need to thank me"

He tottered back to the group, and Meleezon looked at the glass in her hand.

"You'd think for all the trouble we went through we'd at least get some cookies."

**Next Blog: Home is where the rump rests, but the sewers stole my heart…**


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